Pocket Hair

Embrace the Potato

2011-11-02T08:28:00.000-05:00

One of the best lines I ever heard on a Friends episode was when the janitor, Mr. Treeger, says, "I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head." As I've put on weight, it's all seemed to congregate in the area of my midsection. Unfairly, I don't have very big arms or legs, so I've started referring to myself as a potato too. I'm skinny and fat in all the wrong places. But, you know, even though I make fun of the way I look, and I certainly am not satisfied with leaving it the way it is, I still think it's important to like who you are inside. Your looks are only part of who you are. You have to embrace the potato inside the peel. Whether you're a skinny French Fry, an irregular Sweet Potato, or just a round Golden Russet; you have to learn to love what makes you who you are. You're a potato, and no matter how you change yourself, you'll still be a potato.

The Basics

2011-10-18T08:29:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes we does not have all the fields required..."

That is an extraction from a document written by one of my colleagues at work. Why isn't a rudimentary grasp of the English language a requirement on job notices? Who cares if you can use a word processor, if you can't even articulate in the language in which you'll be writing? Have we focused too much on the advanced knowledge desired from an applicant and overlooked the basics?

Furthermore, most of these people have four-year degrees from accredited universities. How on earth were they ever passed writing and speaking like this?

The Labra-genius

2011-09-29T08:33:00.000-05:00

SM's doesn't have a fence around his yard, so he's taken to chaining his Labrador to a stake in the yard. She most obviously hates the arrangement, because generally people (and taunting squirrels) stand just outside her range of mobility. So, she devised a scheme of genius proportions. She took to peeing on her chain in the same place every day. Eventually, the chain started to rust (and possibly corrode) from the excessive moisture. When it became weak enough, she gave it one violent jerk, and "Ping!" it snapped.

R.I.P. Mr. Unsuspecting Gray Squirrel...

The Affiliation

2011-09-26T08:39:00.000-05:00

Why do we all associate ourselves somewhere? Like saying I'm Texan or Greek. Does that define us, or somehow make us better or worse than someone else? What characteristics do all Texans have - without fail, across the board - other than being from Texas? What does me saying that I'm from Texas really tell someone about me? We're not all short or tall, not all blonde or brunette, not all black or white. We don't all have accents, or drive trucks, or own horses, or have a gun in the back window...much to the dismay of common belief. We have such pride in where we come from, and yet where we come from really doesn't say anything about who we are.

MOlives

2011-09-26T08:09:00.000-05:00

www.saveMOlives.com

I didn't know that Missouri olives were such a rare commodity that we had to set up an entire website devoted to saving them.

The Wind Tunnel

2011-09-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

My senior year in high school, my parents took my girlfriend and me on a vacation with them to Colorado. In order to maintain decorum, we got two hotel rooms - my girlfriend and stepmother in one, and my dad and I in the other. This was one of those hotel rooms where the air conditioner was a unit at one end of the room, blowing air at high velocity back toward the other side. My dad and I both have sinus issues, and we sleep with a fan blowing on our faces all year long. So, we each set up a fan on the night stands by our beds in such a way that my fan blew back toward the air conditioner, and my dad's fan was between my fan and the air conditioner, also blowing back toward the air conditioner. Picture a sort of wind tunnel created by this setup. The air conditioner blew air from one end of the room to the other near the ceiling. The air bounced off the wall, got blown back across the room by my fan, got sucked up by my dad's fan, and then blown into the flow of the air conditioner, where it started the cycle all over again.

And that's when it happened. My dad...how shall we say it...let one rip into the breeze of his fan. Where it quickly got caught in the wind-tunnel current and distributed throughout the room. The bad part was that because of the nature of the current, it kept getting circulated around and around, so that every few seconds you received a new full-body waft. I nearly died before I could crawl to the fans and turn them both off until the smell had dissipated.

Coughart

2011-09-14T09:41:00.000-05:00

Today at work, I had a coughart. I'm not sure if it was audible, because I had my headphones on, but my neighbor got up and left. Someone else passed out for 20 min two rows away. I started laughing so hard, I cougharted again. And the cycle continued...

Turn Your Back for One Minute

2011-09-13T09:39:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't it piss you off if you left your dog in the car, while you popped into a shop to grab something really quick, only to come back out and find that he'd changed all your seat settings?

"Hey, you mangy mutt, put that seat back where you found it! And unlock this door! This is not funny!"

How Old Are You Again?

2011-08-09T09:38:00.001-05:00

My wife says that I'm so immature that I act like a 4-year old. She says that she feels more like a mom than a wife. I'd have to say that half of the time, she's dead on. The other half of the time I feel more like 54 years old. My joints pop, I'm crotchety, and I make comments like, "I can't understand girls nowadays with their non-existent shorts."

Sometimes, the switch can be a day apart. The other day, I glued a quarter to the ground just to laugh while people stopped to try to pick it up. The next day, I had completely forgotten about it, and I stopped to try to pick up this quarter on the sidewalk, only to find that someone had glued it down.

Who's Packing?

2011-08-05T10:31:00.002-05:00

A recent report showed that 1 in 10 people in any given movie theater in Missouri will be carrying a concealed handgun. That means that approximately one person on every single row of the theater has a handgun.

I come from the great state of Texas, and I suspect that this statistic would be closer to 1 in 2 people carrying a handgun in any give movie theater in Texas. It's so prevalent that we even got disclaimers at the beginning of the movie that said, "Be courteous to your fellow patrons. Please silence all cell phones and put all handguns on safety."

A Valuable Asset to the Company

2011-07-06T10:21:00.001-05:00

Lately, we've had a large number of individuals leave our company in search of better pay and more lucrative reward opportunities. So, in an effort to raise morale, our supervisors have been pushing a message about how we are valuable assets to the company.

But let's really think about this a minute, because this is really one of those times when actions speak louder than words. "A valuable asset to the company" is really defined by how much money a company is willing to pay to have you work or stay working for them. I mean, a baseball card listed at $150 is not worth $150 if someone is only willing to pay $60 for it. So, regardless of how amazing we are as individuals, it means nothing if the company isn't willing to acknowledge that.

And in this situation, words of acknowledgment are useless. Money talks or people walk.

Deceased Status

2011-05-04T09:43:00.000-05:00

I was working on a file layout at work, and one of the fields was called Deceased Status. The field had two acceptable statuses, "Alive" and "Otherwise." Is there another option besides "Alive" and "Dead" that we need to allow for? Why, "Otherwise" and not just "Dead"?

I posed this question to SM, and he suggested that maybe there is a status that is both "Alive" and "Dead," such as in the Princess Bride where Wesley was "Mostly Dead." Or maybe like in that Monty Python scene, "Bring out your dead...but I'm not dead yet...you're not fooling anyone, you will be soon enough."

Based on this new information, I had to give this more serious thought. What other statuses could you have then? How about "Undead" to describe zombies, vampires, etc.? And suddenly it became clear why they just went with "Otherwise," because the alternative is a lengthy list of possible statuses. It was just easier their way.

My New Workout Videos

2011-04-27T10:48:00.002-05:00

I ordered this set of exercise videos off TV, because let’s face it, I’m not getting in shape by just sitting and watching people exercise on TV. It was a whole kit, complete with videos, diet plan, recipe book, work-out schedule, and fitness bands.

So last night, I decided to try out the first video. I bent over to pick up the box off the floor and pulled a muscle in my groin. I decided that was good enough for the first day.

Inside Shoes

2011-04-25T11:44:00.003-05:00

When I was three years-old, a stupid little girl threw me off the monkey bars. The ultimate result of this disaster was that I broke my arm. I didn't know that specifically at the time, but I did know that it hurt...a lot. The teacher did her due diligence and called my parents. To their credit, both of them showed up to take care of me. I only remember two things vividly about this memory.

I remember that I would not leave the daycare until my parents changed my shoes. The daycare had a strict policy about not wearing your outside shoes inside, and vice versa. So, here are my poor parents trying to rush me to the emergency room, and I'm crying and won't leave until they changed my shoes.

I also remember that my father brought me a stuffed dinosaur. I named him Dino. I used to carry that thing around by the neck everywhere I went. I still have him. His head flops to one side now, because I squeezed all the stuffing out of his neck.

The Strangeness of Dreams

2011-04-21T11:17:00.008-05:00

Have you ever had a dream where you dream about a person you know? In the dream you are consciously aware that the person you are dreaming about is the person you know. Your mind registers this fact. But they don't look like the person you know, act like the person you know, and your dream self doesn't feel about this dream person in the same way that your real self feels about the real person.

And yet your dream self also knows all this. So, you struggle in your dream with two sides to your self. One side acknowledges that this person is in fact exactly who they should be, while the other side tells you that something isn't quite right with them.

Toasting Up Before the Cold

2011-04-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

When I was young, my Mom would always wake my brother and I up with steaming cups of hot chocolate on cold days. Each cup had extra marshmallows, hand counted to an equal number, so we wouldn't fight. And while we drank our hot chocolate and took our showers, she would toss our clothes for the day into the dryer to get them all toasty warm for us.

It was a small gesture, but one that obviously stuck with me. I still look back on it and remember it warmly (pun intended.)

Must Sign Your Credit Card

2011-04-09T11:29:00.000-05:00

I went to the post office the other day and tried to use my credit card. The lady behind the counter wouldn't accept it because it wasn't signed. I offered to show her my ID, but she said that the card would still need to be signed. So, I signed the credit card, and she processed my transaction.

She then handed me the sales slip to sign. When I handed it back to her, she took it and compared it to the signature on the back of my credit card. Satisfied that they matched, she gave me my card and receipt and wished me a nice day. She never looked at my ID.

I would have to be the stupidest thief on the face of the planet to forge the signature on two documents, one right after the other, with different signatures. What kind of security is that really providing me?

Matches the Spec

2011-04-08T11:20:00.022-05:00

BD was testing the latest release of his project's code, and he came upon a situation where the code wasn't acting as expected. He wrote up the defect, and the developer went to talk to him. The developer told BD that it wasn't a defect, because the code matched the spec. The developer then proceeded to pull the spec out and show BD. BD agreed that the spec the developer had printed did indeed say that, but he told the developer that he didn't have the latest version of the spec.

The developer pointed to the paper and said that that's what the spec said, so it wasn't a defect. BD pointed to the paper and said that it wasn't the latest version of the spec, so it was a defect. The developer tapped the paper and said that the code matched the spec, so it wasn't wrong.

BD having come to the end of his patience for the situation, picked up his pencil and marked through parts of the paper. He then told the developer that the code no longer matched the spec, so it needed to be changed. The developer stood there for several minutes looking at the paper, before he picked it up and walked away...beaten.

The Dangers of Low-Riding Pants

2011-03-21T14:43:00.000-05:00

BK walked past this guy, how should we say it, of the darker persuasion, and the guy had his pants riding just above his kneecaps. He had on a belt, but BK could only surmise that it was only there to make the guy walk funny and to keep his pants from going completely to his ankles.

After BK was past the guy, he turned and shouted, "Hey, bro, you have a skid mark in your underwear!"

My Horn

2011-03-17T13:02:00.000-05:00

The horn on my car is pathetic. I'm too embarrassed to even use it. It's this weak, barely audible "beep, beep." But that really doesn't do justice to just how pathetic it is. Every time I hear it, I imagine this weenie, timid little man saying something to the affect of, "Excuse me. Uh, could you please not cut me off like that? I mean, you know, if you feel like it. You don't really have to, if you don't want, but it'd be nice if I didn't have to swerve off on to the shoulder. Not that swerving off on the shoulder is a problem by any means. I just felt bad about the swatch of wild flowers I just took out with my tires. You know, on second thought, just forget I said anything. You're right, it's your road, and I had no business getting in your way. I hope you have a nice day."

The Coffee Pot

2011-03-16T14:43:00.003-05:00

This morning the coffee pot made a "pfft" sound at me. That's the best way I can describe the sound it made as I "compressed" out the last few drops from the canister. It was mostly air with a few drops of coffee that sprayed all over the place. Does that signify that your day couldn't possibly get much worse, when the first thing in the morning, the coffee pot basically tells you to f-off?

The Chirp

2011-03-07T14:41:00.001-06:00

DH said that he was awoken by a chirping sound at 2 a.m. on Saturday morning. He tracked the intermittent chirping all over the house until he finally figured out that it was coming from the smoke detector upstairs, telling him that the battery was low.

How come smoke detectors always wait until the middle of the night to let you know they're about to die? Is that something designed by the engineers to give them a chuckle on slow nights?

The Woodpile

2011-03-03T14:39:00.002-06:00

BK was telling me that he trained his dog to go get logs off the woodpile and bring them up to the house, so BK doesn't have to trek out to get firewood during the winter.

BD told me that his dog has a similar talent. He goes and gets the logs and piles them by the backdoor, then his dog takes them and drags them back out to the woodpile. In his mind, I'm sure the dog thinks he's helping. He probably thinks BD needs more exercise or something, so he's trying to help by forcing him to walk back down to the woodpile.

If You Write It, Nobody Will Read It

2011-03-02T14:36:00.001-06:00

I realized my complete insignificance at my job today. My team was meeting to discuss the tasks that were left to do. The project leader made a comment that he felt that a lot of the requirements were being missed in the code, mostly because he didn't think the programmers were reading my requirements documents. So, he point blank asked them, starting with the fact that he was guilty of not always reading them. One of them said that she tried, but sometimes she got too busy and didn't always make it back to the documents. The other one said that he didn't read the documents, nor did he have any intention of reading them. At least he was honest, I guess, but it still hurt.

No intention of reading them. I guess they provide no practical benefit to him. I guess outlining exactly what the system should do, the steps describing exactly how it should do it, and pseudocode to further show how it should be accomplished is useless. Then again, that's probably why I write up more defects on his code than anybody else's. His stuff doesn't work as expected. There's stuff missing. But who cares? It doesn't matter what the client wants. It doesn't matter that missing requirements puts the company into risk of liability. It doesn't matter that the user's of the system will lose money in their accounts, because he decided that he wanted to do this calculation before that one.

My favorite part is when I write up a defect, and he blames me for it. Says that I didn't document it correctly in the requirements document. How would he know?

Thwarted by a Bullet

2011-02-23T14:34:00.002-06:00

Recently, it was brought up that we were duplicating the documentation on our project. The BA writes up a User Interface Specification to explain how a screen works. Then the QA would take the UI Spec and write test scripts to test the functionality on the screen. However, when they got done, the test scripts contained no additional information from the UI Spec. Then, all the test scripts had to be listed in a third sheet to show testing progress - Pass, Fail, Untested, etc. All this was done in MS Word.

So, we spent weeks conducting meetings to decide how best to reduce this duplication of work. I came up with a solution that utilized MS Excel to house the UI Spec, with columns that could also be used for testing, and code that tracked and recorded the testing progress. The solution seemed to meet all our requirements. There was less effort needed for duplicating work and less documents for housing all the crap we needed.

One day out of the blue, I was informed by the Lead BA that the project team would no longer be using my sheet. When I asked him why not, he informed me that nobody on the team knew how to make a bullet in Excel, so they were scrapping the whole idea and going back to the old way. I told him that I could help them figure out a solution, but he told me that it wasn't worth my time, because they'd already started converting everything back to MS Word.

A bullet? Seriously? How lame is that? I did figure out how to do a bullet in Excel using an ASCI code, but it made no difference, as the Lead BA stated. So, a quick easy solution was passed over in order to go back to what was familiar. All progress toward a better system thwarted by a bullet.

Unbalanced Raises

2011-02-22T14:31:00.001-06:00

In these trying financial times, everyone is feeling the pinch...well, almost everyone. My company decided to suspend pay raises in an effort to curb costs. Each year, the subject comes up again, a re-valuation to determine if this year will be the one. We finally did get our raise, if you can call it that. It amounted to about $25 a month. I know that's at least something, and I'm truly thankful. I was even satiated...that is until last December when the managers and directors pulled in their raises. Which amounted to about $500 more a month.

Let me put this into perspective. My bills, based solely on the cost of living, have gone up about $40 or so a month. That means that I'm now $15 short each month. Now, keep that in mind when I tell you that when my director got his raise, he started going around the office asking people if they thought he should buy a new Mercedes or new BMW. I wish that was the end of this story, but it's not. Last week, he was stopping people in the hall to ask them if they could figure out how to open the band on his new $10,000 Rolex watch. This show was based partly on his ineptness and partly on his desire to show off the stupid watch.

So, basically he just spent an obscene amount of money on a watch...a watch...seriously, a watch. I have a $15 watch from Wal-Mart, which tells the time in 2 countries, has a stop watch, is waterproof, and has a little light to see the time in the dark. (And I could easily figure out how to open the band.) His just tells time. And what he spent on it could pay my mortgage and house taxes for the entire year!

The discrepancy in raises is bad enough, but his complete cluelessness to how it makes people feel to see him spending money on luxuries and extravagances when they can't even make their bills each month, blows my mind.

Something tells me he didn't need that raise in December nearly as much as I did.

A Working Understanding

2011-01-31T13:55:00.000-06:00

BK has a picture of the IT guy for his site asleep at his desk. When it came time for the IT guy to redo BK's machine, he asked him to make sure he got the standard Windows games with the new install. The IT guy told him they weren't allowed to have games on their work computers, and BK showed him the picture. BK enjoys playing Solitaire and Minesweeper during the slow times.

Some people might call this blackmail, but BK likes to refer to it as "a working understanding."

Don't Wake the Bear

2011-01-28T08:44:00.001-06:00

Yesterday morning my dead beat brother-in-law (who lives in my house) turns the TV on at 5:30 in the morning, and wakes me up. So instead of flipping out and yelling at him, which I would do in the past. I went into the garage and loosened his cable cord so it would go in and out. Then he says to me. "My cable is messed up, can you look at it?" I said, "I have too much work to do right now, but I will get to it later." He's still waiting.

- Contributed by BK

Good...Or Is It Well?

2011-01-27T14:00:00.000-06:00

When I was a freshman in high school, my uncle came over to our house for a cookout one weekend. While we were sitting outside, basking in the aroma of sizzling hamburgers, he asked me how school was going. I replied, "Most of my classes are fine, but English is not going so good." He smiled and said, "Well, it's no wonder when you speak like that. It should be that 'English is not going well.'"

For some reason that conversation stuck with me. It defined me. I strove to improve my grammar. I also went on a tear, correcting everyone who used "good" and "well" improperly. My stepmother still hesitates whenever she's about to use "good" or "well" in a sentence. I can almost see the processing of which one she wants to use. Either that, or she's trying desperately to find another way to say it and avoid using "good" or "well" altogether.

Wallets and Geniuses

2011-01-19T09:48:00.000-06:00

My brother once told me that you could always tell a genius, because he carried his wallet in his front pocket. I found this statement fascinating, so I asked him how he knew that. He said because the two smartest people he knew both carried their wallets in their front pocket. His best friend, Chris, and me.

That was the nicest compliment he ever gave me.

Death by Sneeze

2011-01-18T09:49:00.009-06:00

When I was in high school, I worked for an accounting firm, copying and organizing tax returns. My place of work consisted of a 4 foot by 6 foot former closet with no windows or vents. There was one small door at the far end, and you had to squeeze by the quite-large copier to get to it.

My boss was notorious for having bad breath. In one sitting he'd eat tortillas with mayonnaise, chocolate cake, pretzels, and a large Diet Coke. To top it off, I don't think he ever brushed his teeth...ever. He also had space issues. He felt the need to get very close to speak to you. Being cornered by him in my "closet" was bad enough, but it really sucked when he'd come in there and sneeze. This noxious cloud would slowly fill the entire room and hang. It would cling to everything, emitting its deadly ghastliness.

As I've previously said, this was a closet without windows or vents. I had no circulation. So, that Death Sneeze would just sit in there and slowly take years off my life. I couldn't leave, because I had to complete my work. I was trapped.

One day, I came crawling out on all fours gasping, "Air...I need air." I thought the receptionist was going to fall out her chair laughing. When she got done laughing, she felt sorry for me, so she brought me a fan that I could switch on when my boss left to help blow the Stink Cloud out the door. That fan was the only reason I'm here today to tell you this story.

Thank you, Judy!

Sasquaflops

2011-01-17T15:18:00.001-06:00

My wife doesn't have big feet by any stretch of the imagination, but for some reason she bought these enormous house shoes. It's a "feet" that she manages to stay in them as she's walking (pun intended). I think it has a lot to do with the fact that she mostly just shuffles around without actually picking up her feet. She claims they're warm and well-padded, but I tease her that she looks like she has gigantic feet and that her footprints look like sasquatch has been trapsing through our house. Today, she told me to leave her Sasquaflops alone. I think it's catchy. We just might start a whole new line of enormous house shoes called, "Sasquaflops." So, be on the lookout for them in your local Wal-Mart.

The Pope Becomes a Saint?

2011-01-14T15:03:00.001-06:00

In an article from MSNBC, evidence is given that the Catholic Church is trying to make Pope John Paul II a saint. The article discusses the steps that need to take place before sainthood can be bestowed on the former pope. At the end, readers are asked to provide comments and reactions to the news.

One reader wrote:
"The Saints could use him in their ranks. Their secondary sucked against the Seahawks."

Classic.

Source:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41072284/ns/world_news-europe/?gt1=43001

Taco Bell...Authentic Mexican Food

2011-01-07T15:26:00.000-06:00

Taco Bell cannot, or rather should not, advertise as authentic Mexican food. When 16-year old white kids make it, it can't possibly be authentic. At least in Texas they hired authentic Mexican people to make the food. It was a good way to demean the employees even more (as if working at a fast-food restaurant isn't demeaning enough) by forcing them to make fake Mexican food for people who have no appreciation for authentic quality. Of course, you FEEL as if it's authentic, since authentic Mexican people are serving it to you. And then, there's that Chihuahua that speaks Spanish...well, Spanglish, but close enough. Just like the food.

Cake

2011-01-04T15:25:00.000-06:00

Why do they say you can't have your cake and eat it too? Of course you can! Just because you eat it doesn't mean you don't have it anymore. It's just inside you.

Just For Men

2010-12-17T11:11:00.002-06:00

I was on the Hair Care aisle at Wal-Mart, and I noticed the myriad of hair coloring options. I mean just about every shade you could ever possibly want to turn your hair is available in a small, rectangular box. But what caught my eye was the shelf that sported several shades of gray for men. Gray? Really? What would the commercial for that product be?

"Just For Men...Gray...Because I have a little brown that's messing up the symmetry."

MMM

2010-12-16T10:46:00.001-06:00

Awhile back, a few of us guys here at work started a movie watching club. The idea came about when it was discovered that our wives all attended an all-ladies movie watching club. We'd get stuck watching the kids all day while they were out living the "single" life. The guys decided that we needed a club of our own. A way to get away from it all for a few hours to just be men. We'd eat things like burgers and steaks, laugh about whose wife was worse, and view quality (or not-so-quality) entertainment. So we formed a secret club, and we called it the Man Movie Mayhem. Code name MMM, for short.

So, the next month we proceeded. One of the guy's wife was going to spend the day at her mother's house, so the rest of us made up excuses to sneak out of the house and congregate at his house. Each month, we rotated around to each guy's house, so as not to put too much burden on any one guy or draw to much suspicion to our activities.

Our movie lineup included classic movies like Must Love Dogs, You've Got Mail, Bridget Jone's Diary, and Robin Hood: Men in Tights. Everything was fine for the first few months. We never felt more free or liberated. We were men. We were living like men were meant to live. That is until my wife happen to come home early and catch us in the middle of a viewing of Pride and Prejudice. I never heard the end of it.

The Man Movie Mayhem club was disbanded shortly after. The irony of it is that the women were apparently getting together to watch action flicks.

The Smell of Death

2010-12-15T10:45:00.001-06:00

I hate the smell of lilies. They always remind me of death. Their pungent, over-powering aroma is the only concrete memory I have of funerals. I know there are lots of other flowers present in funeral bouquets, but lilies seem to stand out. Now, whenever I smell a lily, I think of death.

The Web Cam

2010-12-14T11:32:00.001-06:00

I got a web cam the other day for my computer that does HD at 720p. Now, my web cam displays better picture than my TV. How sad is that? I think I need a new TV.

The Switches

2010-12-13T11:16:00.001-06:00

Outside the Subway in historic downtown, there's a bank of light switches on the brick wall. There's really no obvious clue as to what function these switches perform, so I can only surmise it must be so the power company can come turn off your electricity if you don't pay your bill.

Of course, you could just wait until the technician's gone and switch it back on. Then, after a few days of this back and forth switching, you might get a strongly-worded note in the mail to stop flipping the switch. You, of course, continue to switch it on. At which point, you might receive a final ultimatum explaining that next time they'll use tape. You come back to find the switch held in place with electrical tape.

Yes, electrical tape...what other kind of tape would you use to cover a light switch?

White-Noise Speakers

2010-12-10T11:34:00.001-06:00

My company is investigating installing white-noise speakers to help drown out floating conversations around the office. This intrigued me, so I did a little research on them. Apparently, white is not the only color you can get. Each color hits a different wavelength of noise, so you can target the high tones, low tones, etc. One company even has a setup that if configured just right will also block conversations involving unpleasant tasks and assignments sent via e-mails and instant messenger. They're called the "Selective Listener" speakers, but I'm pretty sure our office must already have those installed.

If You Light It, They Will Come

2010-12-09T11:44:00.000-06:00

Whenever we'd go out for a steak dinner with my stepfather, he'd get impatient at how long it was taking. Especially since his favorite answer to how he'd like it cooked was, "Just knock the horns off of it, and throw it on the plate." One time, after a particularly long wait, he informed us that he was going to hurry the process up. He then proceeded to light a cigarette. No sooner had he taken his first drag and set the cigarette in the ashtray, then the waiter brought out our steaks. To say the least, I was amazed. He truly was a magician.

The next time we went out for steaks, I hadn't forgotten his cigarette trick. After about 10 min or so, I asked him if the trick would work again. He said, "Let's find out," and he lit up a cigarette. Immediately, our steaks arrived at the table.

I've seen him perform this trick dozens of times since, and I still don't know how he does it. It doesn't matter if we've waited five minutes or 45 minutes. As soon as he lights that cigarette, the steaks will come.

The Bar Code Tattoo

2010-12-07T11:41:00.000-06:00

BD says that if he ever gets a tattoo that it'll be a bar code on the back of his neck. I asked him what it would say if someone scanned it, and he said it'd be cool if it represented his name. I told him that that would definitely come in handy if he was killed during a robbery. Then, the CSI team could just scan his neck to identify him without having to wait on dental records.

Ricky Martin Screensaver

2010-11-23T19:24:00.002-06:00

When I was in college, I replaced my roommate's Anna Kournikova screensaver with a Ricky Martin one. He adamantly held that he abhorred Ricky Martin more than anybody else. So, I thought he'd appreciate the change. Just to be sure he'd be sufficiently inconvenienced by this gesture, I password protected it as well. Oh, did I mention that it sang "Livin' La Vida Loca" too?

The first time he came home and saw it, he nearly had a conniption. When he found out it was password protected as well, and he couldn't turn it off, the vein in the side of his head started throbbing. He proceeded to reboot the computer and went to do something else while he waited. By the time it had come back up, he had completely forgotten about the screensaver (yes, it took his computer so long to boot up that he had sufficient time to forget about it). He went about downloading more illegal music and pictures of Anna Kournikova. A few hours later his attention had been drawn to EPSN Sports Center (which was perpetually on whenever he was home), and after 10 minutes or so, his screensaver came up and started singing "Livin' La Vida Loca." He got pissed all over again, and I could hardly contain my laughter when I heard it.

As much as he complained about that stupid screensaver, it stayed on his computer for 3 months. I don't know if he couldn't figure out how to get it off, or if he secretly was a closet Ricky Martin fan after all.

New Artwork

2010-11-22T15:41:00.001-06:00

In an effort to appear more cultured and sophisticated, the office manager decided to acquire some new artwork for the walls of our office. However, since she's neither cultured nor sophisticated, she proceeded to hang this abstract art upside-down.

Texas Children

2010-11-19T15:33:00.001-06:00

It's funny that when most people hear the word "Texan," they think of gun racks in your truck. I don't know why, but far be it from me to break the misconception. So, when MC asked me if this rumor was true, I told him absolutely. In fact, it's all a product of how we're raised. Every Texas child has a Power Wheels...let's say truck, but something big and mean, like a Dooley truck...with a gun rack and BB gun in the back of it. We drive around screaming obscenities at sticks and squirrels that get in our way or cut us off. MC laughed, then looked at me and asked, "Really?"

They're Labeled for a Reason

2010-11-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

At work I have ear buds for my iPod. They are labeled with an "L" and "R" to indicate the appropriate ear to stick them in. Today, I accidentally picked up the "R" ear bud and stuck it in my left ear. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I was totally grossed out. Cross-ear-waxation is not something I take lightly.

Technological Paradox

2010-10-26T15:47:00.000-05:00

The technological paradox is an age-old concept whenever discussions arise as to the usefulness of technological advancements in our culture. Basically, it states that humans reached a point in their existence when they had no leisure time. They were forced to work all the time to survive. So, they used technology to invent ways to do their jobs faster and easier. This allowed them more leisure time. It worked for a while, until humans realized that with the extra leisure time, they could work more and make even more money. However, this brought them right back to where they started.

So, they invented more things to help make their jobs faster and easier. Which gave them more leisure time again. But then after a while, they realized they could use the extra time to work more and make more money. And so the cycle goes on and on.

I was asked recently if I thought technology had made our lives better or worse. There are tons of examples all around as to how technology has made our lives easier. But are the side effects really worth it? I’m going to use two examples to illustrate my point…I’m fat, and the kid at the check-out lane can’t make change.

I work like most of the world in an office at a computer. I rarely leave my desk, because to be honest I have no need. If I want to talk to someone two desks away, then I just send them an instant message. I have e-mail, phone, web conferencing…every form of communication within arm’s length. In addition, the product that comes from my labors is virtual, not physical, as we write software, so the most workout I get is with my fingertips. The consequences of this total lack of needing to move…I’ve put on 50 pounds since I got out of college.

I was at the store the other day paying for groceries. The total came to $11.67, and I handed the kid at the check-out a $20 bill. He punched the $20 button on the register, and it spit back a number, $8.33. He jumped right in to pulling out my change. He grabbed a $5 bill, then froze. He looked back up to the display, then grabbed three $1 bills. Then, he froze. He looked back at the display, then grabbed three pennies and three dimes. The show of confidence as he handed me my receipt and change indicated that the kid had no clue that he could have given me a quarter and nickel instead of three dimes. A sixteen year-old kid can’t make change in his head, nor does he know how to make change with the least number of coins. The Subway near my office eliminated that problem. The cash register automatically spits out the correct change into a little bowl at its side when the checker hits the total key. I guess they were having serious problems with people giving out an incorrect amount of change.

I see a lot of benefits to how technology has made our lives easier, but as a side effect we have become less physically active and in some cases, stupider. Not to mention that we have become so dependent on technology that we can’t do the simplest, most basic tasks on our own anymore. If you don’t believe me, try doing math in your head without a calculator or some formula on a spreadsheet. Wash your clothes by hand. Pump up your tires with a hand pump.

I think the worst example of technology spoiling us is evident in the fact that my brother can’t go tent camping without an air mattress and portable air conditioner. He’s such a wuss. I never bring that kind of crap with me when I stay in my luxury cabin with queen-sized bed, full kitchen, and fireplace.

The Bullies

2010-10-25T15:53:00.000-05:00

There has been a lot of publicity in the news lately about bullying in schools. But you never hear about bullying in the workplace. It happens. We might try to disguise it with different terms, but it’s still bullying.

Last year, I was a victim. The lady sitting next to me seemed to have it out for me, for no particular reason. She would eavesdrop on my conversations and phone calls, as well as collect gossip from my project leader. Then, she’d twist the facts to make up plausible, yet completely false, stories about what I was “up to.” Finally, she’d file a complaint with my supervisor about my elicit activities. Of course, I’d get talked to about it.

A friend of mine is going through it now. A colleague of hers has decided that she doesn’t like my friend, and has started causing trouble for her. She’s reported that my friend takes an excessive amount of time off, not just vacation and sick time, but breaks from her desk as well. She’s spied on my friend, and collected chat history and e-mails to use against her. My friend was not as fortunate as me, and was recently written up for her behavior.

The short-term consequences of this form of bullying is a vast amount of unnecessary stress and mental anxiety. The long-term consequences can be much, much worse. So, why do these things happen? Did we do something to our attackers to cause them to take revenge on us? The answer in both situations is, “No.” We are victims of bullies. People who enjoy the misfortune and pain of others with no discernible gain other than a sense of power over their victim. They think nothing of the consequences of what they’re doing. They don’t care if they destroy someone. To them, it’s a game.

Unfortunately, it is just as mentally draining and frightening to try to deal with the situation as an adult as it is as a child. There are consequences for retribution, whether that be starting a smut campaign of your own or just punching the person out. In fact, the consequences can be, in a lot of ways, worse for an adult. You have families, bills, and responsibilities to think about. You can’t afford to lose your job or possibly go to jail.

So what can we do? Pretty much the same thing as we did as a kid. We either endure it and pray the situation fixes itself, or we leave and go somewhere else. What else can we do?

The Elevator

2010-09-14T10:49:00.000-05:00

I work on the second floor of a 3-story building. Just to be clear, that means there's one floor above me and one below me. So, can anyone explain to me why it takes twice as long for the elevator to come when I call it than it takes to travel between floors once I'm actually in the elevator?

If the elevator doesn't happen to be waiting at the second floor, which I assume it isn't, then it can only be at worse one floor away. I realize that nobody would splurge for an express elevator for a 3-story building, but this is ridiculous. I can press the button, run down the stairs to the first floor and back again, and still be back before the elevator arrives.

What happens when I press that button? Does it send an electric shock down to wake up the hedgehog that is secretly turning the crank that moves the elevator up and down? Does he have to scratch and groggily wipe his eyes before he can get to work?

I wonder what the firefighters would do...watch the building burn down while they waited for the elevator?

The Faithless

2010-09-12T12:12:00.000-05:00

As I drove to church this morning, I was amazed to see the number of people that found something else to do. People jogging, biking, walking their dogs, going grocery shopping, mowing their yards...to name a few. I'm sure there were many, many more that chose to simply sleep in that I couldn't see.

What has happened to this world? How is it that people have grown so faithless that they don't deem it important to give God His due? The fact that today is absolutely gorgeous should be even more of a reminder that He is awesome. They take all He gives - His blessings, His gifts - but they can't quit being selfish for just one day to acknowledge what He's done for them.

I can't gripe about everyone, because I'm sure there are people that go to church on Saturday, or Sunday night, or Wednesday night, or some other time. I'm sure there are people that usually go, but miss every once in a while. (I'm guilty of that.) And I'm sure there are extenuating circumstances that prevent some people from getting to church, but sleeping in and mowing your yard are not it.

But since I'm on this soap box, I'd have to say that the most annoying people out there are the ones driving along, ten miles under the speed limit, on a one-lane road, with absolutely nothing to do, and making those of us that are trying to get to church late.

Sultan of 'Not'

2010-08-24T13:18:00.000-05:00

"Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Mark Reynolds is one of the more remarkable hitters in history. Two years ago, he became the first major leaguer to surpass 200 strikeouts in a season. Last year, he improved on that epic performance with 223 whiffs. This year, he's threatening to set a new mark yet again. Perhaps not since Babe Ruth broke the home runs record each year from 1919 to 1921 has the game seen such a display."

Source: Wall Street Journal: Personal Journal, August 24, 2010.

Royals Player Has a Shot at a Record

2010-08-24T13:14:00.002-05:00

A Kansas City Royals player has a shot at one of baseball's toughest records. Through Sunday, first baseman Billy Butler has hit into 26 double plays this season, giving him a legitimate shot at surpassing the record of 36 set by Jim Rice in 1984. What makes the feat even more impressive is that Butler has managed to do it without the support of his teammates. Rice set the record hitting behind Wade Boggs and Dwight Evans, who both ranked in the top 10 in on-base percentage. Which is in stark contrast to Kansas City, whose lead-off hitters rank ninth in the American lead with their number two hitters ranking twelfth. So, essentially Butler has hit into double plays without anyone on base. Now, that IS a special feat!

Source: Wall Street Journal: Personal Journal, August 24, 2010.

Humming

2010-08-23T13:01:00.000-05:00

I was in the bathroom today when I unexpectedly heard humming coming from the stall next to me. I immediately recognized the tune. The guy was humming, "If I Only Had a Brain" from the Wizard of Oz. I started laughing. When I saw who it was, I couldn't contain myself. It just made perfect sense.

Abbie Hoffman

2010-08-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

In 1971, Abbie Hoffman, a former rioter and protester, published a book called "Steal This Book." Many bookstores refused to carry the book, because people kept stealing it.

The Chicken or the Egg

2010-08-05T10:27:00.000-05:00

Which blinked first...the chicken or the egg?

I'm thinking the chicken, since the egg doesn't have eyelids.

Too Good at Being Me

2010-08-03T15:52:00.000-05:00

Do you ever suddenly stop in the middle of your day and think, "I feel like I did the same thing yesterday"? And the more you think about it, it seems that every day seems too similar to the day before. You're being efficient and getting done what you are assigned, but still it has lost its excitement. Most days you feel like you're on autopilot, because it doesn't really require 100% conscious thought to perform your duties.

I feel like this. I have large chunks of my day that I can't seem to recall. I have obviously done something as things are getting done, but I have no conscious recollection of doing them. It's as if my body is so well-trained to "be me" that it doesn't really need my brain to be involved anymore. The worst part is that I genuinely want to add something new, something exciting; but I can't. I have found the best, most efficient way to "be me" that I can't think of any other way to do it. Besides, short deviations aren't enough. It is too easy to slide back into the routine.

I'm just tired of having a deja vu experience about a deja vu experience. I feel like I'm living my life two steps behind. I'm sure it was interesting the first time, but now it's just the status quo. Barring changing jobs every other week, how does anyone have enough variety in their job to keep it interesting? I mean, even if you had different experiments, cases, or clients; the underlying processes are still the same. Enough the same to make it stale.

Denim Diapers

2010-08-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

I recently saw a Huggies commercial for a new diaper that looks like denim blue jeans. The baby that's sporting them in this commercial is strutting through a crowd of on-lookers, as if it's cool to wear your diaper right out in the open. I guess these new diapers are supposed to give kids more self-confidence. They no longer have to be ashamed that their diapers are showing. Seriously, do you think they care? Are these more for the kids or the parents? It's funny to me that they'd market them to babies. Are they going to point at the screen and ask to get denim diapers?

9

2010-07-30T10:17:00.005-05:00

My dad is obsessed with the idea that our family is somehow connected to the number 9. I’m afraid to say that that obsession has been passed down to me. It started with easy things, such as a birthday having a 9 in it. (My dad’s is on the 29th.) Then it started to get spooky and widespread. In fact, the more we looked for it, the more the number 9 started to crop up. Of course, I’ll have to explain the rules as to what makes it legitimate.

1. The number 9 is physically in the entity in question.
2. The numbers in the entity add or multiply to the number 9.
3. You can’t subtract or divide the numbers in the entity to arrive at the number 9.
4. Mathematical operations cannot be performed for more than one iteration to get the number 9. (Such as my soccer jersey number, which was 28. I could divide 8 by 2 to get 4. Then, I could add 8, 2, and 4 to get 14. I could divide 4 by 1 to get 4. Then, I could add 4, 1, and 4 to get 9. While creative, this is not valid. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time on the bench…lots of time to think.)
5. Any logical separation of the entity can be used to arrive at the number 9. Such, as you can take merely the month and day of a birthday without using the year.

Now, some examples of places this has occurred in my life:

I was born at 9:33.
My apartment number is 29C.
I used to live at 549 Marino Rd.
My cube number is 2070.
I park in spot 81.
I have been married on the 18th, 19th, and again on November 2, 2003. (Can’t see the last one, just add up 1 + 1 + 2 + 2 + 0 + 0 + 3.)

It’s not just me, though:

My stepmother’s birthday is on February 7th.
My dad and stepmother were married on April 23rd. (Again, 4 + 2 + 3.)
Heck, my dad's favorite baseball player of all time, Ted Williams, even wore the number 9 on his jersey.

I’ll stop there, as that constitutes the perfect number of examples. (Think about it.) I predict this pattern will continue in our lives. It seems harmless enough, but it’s interesting to see it in action. I wonder if your life has a common number. Have you ever thought about it?

Trying to Understand a Scot

2010-07-29T10:10:00.001-05:00

B.D. "I don't like them because they're from Glasgow. Or maybe Ayr, which is pretty much the same thing, because people from Ayr wish they were from Glasgow."

D.K. "There sure are a lot of predjudices in Scotland. You guys seem to hate everyone, even other Scots."

B.D. "We're a clan-based nation, what did you expect?"

D.K. "But it's not just clan rivalry. You guys hate certain political groups, people from any country other than Scotland, stupid people, religious people, people who like it above 65 degrees in the house, and people who can't grow a full beard in a day. Then, you reserve the right to throw people from certain cities into any one of those categories, just to justify them being on your 'list'.

"Oh, and the list...don't get me started on the list. Any minor offense can get you thrown onto the list. Like the guy that took the last Splenda packet or the guy that left the coffee pot with less than a half a cup of coffee left, so you'd have to make more. Or the guy that has too much chrome on his GMC Yukon, which then puts anyone that drives a Yukon on the list. The list is just a loophole for random hatred."

B.D. "Is there a problem with this?"

DID

2010-07-26T10:27:00.000-05:00

The great thing about having Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder) is that you always have someone to listen to you when you're talking to yourself in the mirror.

Half Empty or Half Full

2010-07-23T10:34:00.004-05:00

Is the glass half empty or half full? This is an age-old question used to determine if you're a pessimist or an optimist by how you view the world. Some may argue that it's always full - containing 50% of water and 50% of air. Some (engineers) may argue that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. While others still may argue that it depends on the previous condition of the glass. If it was previously empty, then it is now half full, having had water added to it. If it was previously full, then it is now half empty, having had water taken from it.

I think the more important questions to ask are...(If it's not my glass.) "Why didn't you clean up your dishes?!" and (If it's my glass.) "Who's been drinking my water?!"

Not Microwaveable

2010-07-22T10:37:00.002-05:00

"Not Microwaveable." That's what it says on the top of my watermelon container. Why would anyone microwave watermelon?

S.M. thinks the warning refers to the container itself being used to heat up food, but I'm pretty sure he's wrong. It clearly refers to the watermelon.

Twisted Underwear

2010-07-21T10:33:00.001-05:00

My dad once got a pair of underwear that had a twist in the middle of them. In other words, the fabric between the legs had been twisted before it was sewn together. Apparently, some guy on the assembly line was having a bad day and decided to share it with some innocent schmo. Enter my dad.

To my dad's credit, he didn't just throw them away. He decided to give them a chance. After he spent the entire day, pulling a wedge out of his...well, you know, he decided to throw them out. Not being one to throw skid-marked underwear in the trash, he decided to wash them first. Unfortunately, he neglected to inform my stepmother of the plan, and she washed them and put them back in his drawer. After the second day of pulling a wedge out of his...well, you know, he asked my stepmother to take them apart, untwist them, and sew them back together. He figured that was safer than risking another day with a twist!

The Dangers of Handcuffs

2010-07-20T10:37:00.006-05:00

Being as my father worked for the police department for 20-some years, it was not uncommon to have spare handcuffs around the house. As a kid, I used to love to "play" policeman. I'd handcuff everything. This was all well and good until I handcuffed my grandmother behind the stove. She had climbed back there to clean something and "snick" I handcuffed her to it. Needless to say, I was in no hurry to release her after she told me what she'd do to me once I had.

But I think the real low point with the handcuffs came on the day when I managed to handcuff my wrist to my ankle. (That's right, I did it! You want some of this?!) Anyway, I have no idea why I did it, but I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. What made matters worse was that I had lost the key. Add to it that my father had the spare key, and he couldn't leave work. So, barring leaving me incapacitated for hours until he got home, he did the next best thing. He called the local police and asked them to send a squad car by the house.

Now, it wasn't my best moment to be laying on the floor by the front door, twisted like a pretzel, with my arm handcuffed to my ankle, in nothing but my underwear and no way to put clothes on (Oh, did I conveniently leave that part out?), and have the police show up to release me. They managed the rescue in seconds, but I'm sure the story lived on for years at the station. Maybe one of the officers will read this blog and have a good laugh recollecting the incident.

The Brown Coats

2010-07-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

For Christmas the first three years of my marriage, my mother-in-law bought me a new brown coat. Just brown...no other color. Each coat was really nice, different and unique from the year before. But imagine that I lived in Texas at the time where the need for coats is minimal. I didn't exactly wear a coat out in the season.

On the fourth year, I asked for a different color just to jazz things up a little...maybe black or navy blue. She quickly got the hint, and a family joke was started. Every year, she threatened to send me a coat, while really sending me sweaters or such.

Last year, my brother-in-law got me a brown scarf for Christmas. When I called to tell him how much I liked it, he told me he picked brown because he knew I already had a collection of brown coats.

Back-Fire

2010-07-16T19:05:00.000-05:00

When I first got married, I didn't really do anything around the house. If I wanted to do something special for my wife, then I'd surprise her by unloading the dishwasher before she got home. For the first few times, she was very appreciative, and I was encouraged to do it again. After a while, though, unloading the dishwasher just became my job. I had to up my game. So, I dusted for her one day. She was ecstatic. I was back! After a few more dusts; however, dusting just became another of my jobs. I went through laundry, trash, vacuuming, bathrooms...all with the same result. Now, I have a whole list of "jobs" and no way to impress my wife.

I noticed we have entered an alternate reality, though, because now my wife comes home, plops herself on the couch to watch TV, and asks what's for dinner. I see myself when I first got married, and I wonder how one little nice gesture back-fired on me.

Ageless

2010-07-15T13:12:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting here today engaged in one of my favorite activities while at work, esp. when my project work is slow, as it is today. I’m gazing fondly at a picture of my wife. It was taken about seven years ago, just before we got married. The scene is my wife posing in front of a tropical garden area at a park in Houston, Texas. She has her sunglasses up on top of her head, holding her beautiful hair back, which cascades down over her shoulders in wavy, red-brown streams. You can see the rich browns in her eyes and a slight smile on her lips.

I enjoy gazing at the picture so much because it perfectly depicts the way I see my wife in my mind’s eye. She is just as beautiful and lovely today as she was seven years ago.

Okay, enough writing. I need to get back to looking at her picture...

Patriotism

2010-07-14T09:03:00.000-05:00

A patriot is defined in Webster as “one who loves his or her country and supports its authority and interests.” In the United States, patriotism has become synonymous with “right, good, the man in the white hat.” So, is patriotism still an admirable characteristic if you support a country that is performing acts that aren’t admirable?

What if that country kills innocent people for monetary and power-hungry gains? What if that country invades another country purely for vengeance? What if that country bankrupts its people so it can give its governmental officials a raise and free healthcare? What if that country takes a great idea like Democracy and distorts it into a process of picking the lesser of two evils?

Just because you support that country, does it mean you’re right? I think Americans have confused what being a patriot really means. Think about it.

Millions of Englanders supported a monarchy that held the United States in a state of a repressed colony. A state which led Americans to revolt. Millions of Germans supported the Nazi movement of the 1940s. The same movement that started a world war that cost hundreds of thousands of American lives. Millions of people in Russia and Cuba supported Communist governments. The same governments that had Americans scrabbling in fear of a nuclear strike.

Obviously, there are patriots on both sides of any conflict. How can they both be right? Or is it just that the United States never makes mistakes and is therefore always right? Or perhaps it is only patriotism if you support the aims of the United States? If that’s the case, then Webster needs to update its definition.

Perspective

2010-06-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

I listen to JD's stories about her daughter, and I can't help but laugh to realize how differently kids think about and see the world. I think that most people dismiss it too quickly as childish ignorance, but it makes perfect sense when seen from a couple of feet lower. A child may lack experience, but their rationale and logic are not flawed.

For instance, I may have never thought about the display in the front window of a wig shop as a display for a new head. But having had this pointed out to me, I can't help but agree that it could logically be viewed that way.

Maybe we all could use a dose of perspective. Maybe we'd be able to come up with better solutions to designs and problems, instead of just seeing it from the view of our invisible box.

Sneezes and Time Travel

2010-06-23T13:45:00.002-05:00

I was in a meeting the other day when one of the guys at the table sneezed...hard. He sneezed so hard that he actually blew his chair back a few inches. (Not hard to do when you're only four feet eleven inches tall, and your feet don't touch the floor.) Anyway, he shook his head and asked, "What happened?"

To which another guy at the table responded, "You sneezed, that's what happened. Are you okay?"

The sneezer still looked a bit disoriented. So, I piped up, "Oh my gosh, he sneezed so hard that he blew himself backward a few minutes in time." I waved my hand in front of the sneezer and said loudly, "Do you know what year this is?"

New Calling Message

2010-06-22T13:46:00.000-05:00

I want to get a new automated message that plays when I'm calling people at work. Before I get on the line, the person on the other end would hear something like:

"Please hold for a very important message from The Man, The Myth, The Legend."

For Sale

2010-06-21T13:46:00.001-05:00

One faded, black sock, ribbed top, gold toe. Mate lost during washing. Would be perfect for someone with a similar faded, black sock. $1 OBO.

The Best Actors Play Soccer

2010-06-14T11:09:00.001-05:00

I was watching the World Cup this weekend, and I'm convinced now that the best actors in the world must play soccer. Those guys spent more time flying through the air or writhing on the ground, trying to convince the referee that they had been fouled, then they spent actually playing.

During the Germany-Australia match, Germany actually received two yellow cards for being overly dramatic. It was awesome! One of the guys actually spent several minutes arguing with the referee about it. The replay showed that the defender didn't even touch him...missed him completely. But he still fell to the ground, grabbing his leg.

On another play, a defender barely tapped a guy in the shin...where he has a shinguard, I might add...and the guy writhed around on the ground for five minutes, holding his shin. You'd have thought the guy's bone was sticking out of the skin. Two minutes later, the guy was racing toward the goal trying to head in a cross. Yeah, must have been a serious injury.

It was pathetic to watch. When I played soccer, if you got knocked down, then you popped back up as quickly as possible, so you could get back on the ball. You didn't perform some acrobatic stunt across the field. What are they teaching these guys? Are you winning because you outplayed the other team or because you outacted them?

You Could've Called

2010-06-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

In this day and age of technology, there seems to me no excuse for standing someone up. You have e-mail, texting, cell phones...surely you can find a way to let someone know what's going on. This especially applies if you've agreed to come to the event you were invited to or agreed to at least let someone know if you're coming or not.

So, if you decide not to come, but fail to notify the person that you're not coming, then you're just being rude. Exceptions to this, of course, include death and unforeseen emergencies. Finding something better to do or getting roped into going furniture shopping with your wife is not an emergency.

Being Drowsy After Lunch

2010-06-09T13:34:00.000-05:00

As I sit here washing slurping down the last vestiges of my soft drink from lunch, I'm reading an article that says to avoid soft drinks in the afternoon as they tend to make you sleepy. Apparently, the sugars in the soft drink cause certain chemical levels to increase in your brain, causing you to become drowsy. This can be a problem for most people in the United States since we still have half a day of work to suffer through before we can take a nap. The article noted how a lot of countries take a siesta time in the afternoon to ward off this drowsiness.

There are several people at my office who believe in this philosophy whether it's allowed or not. I wonder if you could do it and claim it's for medical, cultural, or religious reas....

[Snoring can be heard coming from my cube.]

Little League Sports

2010-06-08T16:10:00.000-05:00

Little League sports is not about winning and losing...

It's about scoring more points than the other team and cheering as they walk away dejected and sad.

Hard on Laptops

2010-06-07T13:34:00.000-05:00

My wife can be very hard on laptops. She is on her 4th laptop in as many years. Not because she just wanted to upgrade to newer technology, but because she keeps unintentionally sabotaging them. One was lost to an exploding shampoo bottle in her suitcase. One was lost to a suicidal glass of water. (This one actually managed to run for several more months before finally succumbing to nagging injuries.) The last one just surrendered. I'm not sure how she managed it exactly, but one night while running several memory-intensive movies she was editing for her thesis defense, a little white flag came up out of the keyboard and started waving. A few minutes later, the laptop gasped and went dark.

Oh sure, they can program in a little white flag, but they can't manage to put the Delete key where anybody can find it!

What does she do again?

2010-06-02T08:50:00.012-05:00

My wife and I had a nice dinner with a couple tonight. On the drive home, I realized that I have no idea what the lady I just ate with does for a living. I'm almost positive neither of them know what I do for a living. We spent an entire evening together talking and laughing with the conversation remaining lively and constant, and never once did we talk about work.

Most people don't hold work in jovial fondness, and it's expressed in the way they talk about it. They complain, grumble, sneer. As my mother so nicely put it, "Work is a four-letter word."

I think the most fascinating people I know are capable of carrying on a conversation about a myriad of topics never having to resort to the "work fallback." This is especially true about work colleagues. Of course we share common ground about work, but if our association is going to progress to friendship, then we'll have to be able to talk about more than work.

My evening tonight is proof at how easy this is to accomplish.

No Such Thing as Ghosts

2010-06-01T08:56:00.000-05:00

An acquaintence of mine was telling a story about how he stayed in a "haunted" hotel while on vacation. He related the freaky stuff that went on during their stay, such as his girlfriend disappearing from the room and ending up on another floor. Trying to be rational about it, they figured that she was just sleep-walking. However, that explanation disappeared when they realized the deadbolt was still locked from the inside of the room. So, they chalked it up to ghosts and a supernatural experience.

Am I alone to think it odd that people blindly accept ghosts...beings that cannot be explained by human logic, have powers beyond human ability, and are only ever seen as smudges of light or haze?

I find it fascinating that people have no problems believing in the supernatural in regard to ghosts, but adamantly refuse to believe in the existance of demons, angels, and God. With the latter they need proof that they exist. Proof that is not required to believe in the former. They believe that these "ghosts" mean them harm (demons) or help them in times of need (angels). In most regards their beliefs mirror a Christian's take on reality, but they vehemently refuse to accept a Biblical explanation or perspective.

I don't get it. What's the difference?

Seduced on the Phone

2010-05-28T09:38:00.000-05:00

I like to sneak off during work and call my wife. I try to see if I can get her to say cutsie, sexy things to me over the phone. It's awesome, because I can get seduced by a woman over the phone, and I don't have to pay $9.95 a min to do it. Plus, the bonus is that she really means it!

Texting Obsession

2010-05-27T09:31:00.000-05:00

I was walking into the express lane to check out, and there were two high school-age girls walking into the line before me. No sooner did they stop their cart, than they both pulled out their cell phones and started texting. They couldn't even wait the one minute it took the checker to dispatch the customer in front of them. It was as if they might perish if they weren't constantly connected to friends. As if their very existence was defined by the fact that someone else was acknowleding that they, in fact, were still alive. The funny thing is that they were probably texting each other.

What did people like myself do before cell phones and texting? Oh that's right, we either talked face-to-face or we entertained ourselves.

The Wedding Ring

2010-05-25T09:14:00.002-05:00

I take my wedding ring off when I wash my hands, work in the yard, or even when I'm just at home for the night. I've taken a lot of flak from my friends about this...guys who NEVER take off their rings. So, I wanted to write a blog to explain why I do what I do...besides the obvious reason of not wanting to mess up my ring.

If I wore my ring all the time, then I might grow complacent to it. I might go all day every day without even realizing it's there. Since it's a symbol of the unending, unfailing love I have for one woman, this might essentially mean that my wife and my commitment to my wife might never cross my mind either. I might get so caught in my work, that I might forget who I'm working for. Who I really drag myself to work every day for, so I can afford to give her all the comforts she deserves. Who I'm really planting these flowers for, because she said she liked them and I want her to have a space she can be proud of. I might forget.

But every time I slide that ring on my finger, it's like renewing my commitment to her all over again. I renew my vows to love and cherish her above all others. I don't have to wait to see her to yearn for her, to think about her. I can get it 10-15 times a day when she's not even there.

Make a Joyful Noise...Literally

2010-05-17T08:49:00.000-05:00

Not being able to sing has never stopped me from singing at the top of my lungs.

A Banana

2010-05-13T10:22:00.000-05:00

I was hungry this morning, so I decided to eat a banana to tide me over. Unfortunately, I have discovered that the quickest way to stimulate hunger is to eat a banana. I'm more hungry now, than I was before I ate it. It's like my stomach got a little taste of the good life, and now it won't stop until it's completely satisfied. My stomach is quite loudly gurgling in outrage. Someone three cubes away just asked me if I was okay.

That banana woke the sleeping beast.

ACHOO

2010-05-06T08:51:00.000-05:00

I used to think my roommate, JT, was full of crap when he told me that the sun made him sneeze. Every time we would go outside on a sunny day, he'd sneeze. I told him it was probably pollen in the air or something else that he was allergic to. He insisted it was the sun.

Turns out, he was probably right. Scientists have been doing extensive research for years to discover a connection between optical reflexes and nosular response. (Yes, I just made that word up.) While it is still unclear what parts of the brain exactly cause this and how the responses are connected, they have at least discovered that it is a real phenomenon.

For those of you that are wondering what this syndrome is called, you might have guessed that it had something to do with the title of this post. It goes by many names, but the latest is Autosomal Cholinergic Helio-Ophtalmologic Outburst syndrome (ACHOO).

If you'd like to read more about ACHOO, see the following links:
http://www.neatorama.com/2010/04/09/the-sunny-sneeze/
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/omim/100820

Sigh...

2010-05-05T08:55:00.000-05:00

Have you ever heard a dog sigh? Like when you come home, and he realizes he has to drag himself up off the floor; to pull himself away from his busy, hectic schedule of lounging around the house; just to saunter to the door and acknowledge your entrance. And you can hear him give a noticeable, breathy sigh of irritation as he does it.

Or when you give your dog a command, like 'come', and he decides to stretch for several minutes, yawn, and look around for something more interesting to do; before sighing in disappointment when he realizes that inevitably he'll have to give in and obey after all.

Or even a sigh of contentment when he's found the perfect spot on the floor with optimal coolness, comfort, and stretching room. And he has managed to contort his body into just the right position to take advantage of all of those factors. And he lets out a sigh of satisfaction before dozing off into slumber.

How could anyone not be a dog person?

The Holey Shirt

2010-05-04T21:59:00.001-05:00

I had a holey shirt I used to wear all the time. I'd had it for about 10 years, and I loved it. That is until my wife made me get rid of it. This was accomplished by her using it as a garage rag to clean up an oil spill. It's hard to wear something after that happens to it.

My wife hated the shirt because she said it was embarrassing to be seen with me in it. She said it made me look like I couldn't afford clothes that weren't in tatters. I argued that it was a fashion statement.

I told her that I used to get whistled at every time I wore it. Of course that could have just been the sound of the wind blowing through the myriad of holes in it.

Termination Due to Death

2010-04-23T09:16:00.000-05:00

As if dying isn't enough, now you can be fired for it?!

I found this document on the Kansas - Department of Administration site. It is a How-To document on how to terminate an employee who has died. I just thought the concept was funny. I guess I took it for granted that this process would be automatic.

"Why isn't Bob at work today?"
"Oh, you didn't hear? He died over the weekend."
"Typical. He'll find any reason not to show up. If he was tired of working here, then he should have just quit. I think this is a bit of an overreaction."

Reference:
http://www.da.ks.gov/searchresults.htm?cx=012186268095503521215:purqxq18u24&cof=FORID:11&q=termination+due+to+death&sa=Search&siteurl=www.da.ks.gov/#1074

Who knew Satan was a fan of hockey?

2010-04-22T09:05:00.020-05:00

The headline reads, "Satan gives Bruins Game 4 win in 2OT"

"Miroslav Satan scored a power-play goal after Buffalo was called for having too many men on the ice in the second extra period, and the Bruins beat the Sabres 3-2...on Wednesday night."

Honestly, I think I would have changed my name. My Dad was wondering if he pronounced it differently to avoid questions. Maybe sort of French-like, and it's "Say-tawn." Or sort of Arabic-like, and it's "Sach-tain." Or maybe like the fabric, and it's "Satin." Since names typically meant something in the family history, I'm a little afraid to ask what his family's heritage is. Maybe he's a descendant of Dr. Faust?

Reference:
http://msn.foxsports.com/nhl/story/bruins-sabres-game-4

The Immortal Soul Clause

2010-04-02T10:39:00.001-05:00

In a completely original April Fools joke, GameStation revealed that it now owns the souls of thousands of its customers. "The Immortal Soul" clause was added to demonstrate how few people actually read the Terms and Conditions for the website. Participants choosing to opt-out of the agreement netted themselves a £5 GBP gift-voucher. Only 12% of the customers did.

GameStation execs have assured customers that they will not be enforcing their legal claim to the souls.

http://www.bit-tech.net/news/gaming/2010/04/15/gamestation-we-own-your-soul/1

Carrots

2010-03-23T15:05:00.000-05:00

I try to avoid carrots. I don't actually want my eyesight getting any better, because then I might discover that I'm not as good-looking as I think I am.

The Checker

2010-03-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

I went to Wal-Mart the other day to buy some supplies. I had a gallon of milk and a gallon of tea. The checker asked me if I wanted my milk in a bag. I said, "Yes, but not my tea."

I wish I had a picture of her face at that moment.

Seedless Orange

2010-03-19T10:24:00.000-05:00

I don't know why anyone would want to create a seedless orange. After you did it once, you'd never be able to do it again.

Genomic Music

2010-03-18T12:15:00.003-05:00

Last weekend, I went to a symposium about the connection of art and biology. I learned that there are several science labs doing research on the sounds of DNA. They have taken several approaches to correlate the genetic code to musical notes. In one lab, they measured the wavelength of infrared light aborbed by a genetic sequence and related it to a wavelength of sound. By combining the sounds along the string of genetic sequences, they were able to find out the sounds of DNA.

The music produced is actually pleasing and melodious. Susan Alexjander, one of the scientists doing the research, says "the combinations of frequencies are just stunning. I find it very arresting. It sounds alive to me." She goes on to comment about the strong reaction the music elicits saying, "Perhaps on a very deep level the body recognizes itself - hears something familiar in the music."

To learn more, check out this article:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/222591.stm

Connected Vents

2010-03-17T12:12:00.002-05:00

CC was telling me about a friend of his that had his office located next to the men's restroom. Obviously, the contractors for this particular building were not blessed with forethought. In order to save money, they connected both the guy's office and the bathroom to the same ventilation system. This opened a direct conduit between his office and the "delightful" aromas of the men's restroom.

Needless to say, the guy was known to take long walks right after lunch.

More Practice

2010-03-16T12:08:00.000-05:00

A lot of men think that if they intentionally mess up some simple task that their wife assigns them, such as going grocery shopping, then they will get out of having to do the task in the future.

Those men never lived in my house. My wife's philosophy is that if you messed it up, then you obviously need more practice!

Bad Day

2010-03-15T10:23:00.001-05:00

9:00 a.m.
DK: I tweaked my back this morning, just turned wrong or something, and now it hurts. It feels like I have a tight muscle that just won't relax. It sucks having to just sit around all day, because it feels better when I'm standing. I'm trying to find a comfortable position in my chair, so I keep moving just a millimeter to the right until I can find the spot.

Haven't found it yet. Will keep you posted.

10:00 a.m.
DK: Okay, the back still hurts, but now my armpit hurts as well. When I reached up to pause my CD, I ripped out an armpit hair. This goes along with the broken blood vessel in my hand that I got when I slammed my hand into my desk this morning, trying to unplug my clock.

This might be the day the bus gets me.

Will keep you posted...unless the bus gets me, and then I won't.

10:30 a.m.
AS: I am so sorry to hear you are in pain. Did you take anything for your back? Maybe some Ibuprofen will alleviate the muscle pain.

Whatever you do, stay away from the light. This is not the day the bus will get you. Put that out of your mind.

11:00 a.m.
DK: Back and hand still hurt. Head is starting to throb again. My armpit is down to a dull ache. Feet stink. Left butt cheek itches a little. A stupid gnat keeps attacking me every time I try to work. Prognosis is not good. I tried to take your advice and stay away from the light. However, when I flipped off the switch in my area, I was greeted with 17 complaining, angry voices. Had to flip switch back on. Can't help the light. I am currently hiding under my desk, because that is the darkest part I can find. Having to curl in tight ball. Losing feeling in my right leg.

Will keep you posted...unless paralysis spreads to fingers.

The Flying Liver

2010-03-12T10:02:00.001-06:00

When I was younger, my Mom made my brother and I eat liver. It was part of her "You'll never know if you like it unless you try it" plan. Slimey okra also fell into this plan; along with squash, cabbage, and zucchini...but I digress. Unfortunately, if we said we didn't like liver, even after trying it, then she felt like we needed to try it again. Basically, this process would repeat until we cracked and either liked or claimed we liked liver. At which point, we'd be given liver because we liked it. So, the basic morale here is that we would be forced to eat liver, but it would be under the guise that we were being given a choice.

To deal with this basic injustice of our youth, my brother and I would take our food outside to eat by my grandmother's pool. While one of us was on lookout, the other one would proceed to catapult his liver over the fence to the dog next door. We got away with this for several months until my brother somehow managed to fling his liver against the neighbor's house...where it stuck. Needless to say, we were busted when my Mom came out and found the liver plastered on the house and the slimey okra, squash, cabbage, and zucchini in various places of repose...flower pots, the roof of the gazebo, the neighbor's yard...you get the idea.

White Gauges

2010-03-11T10:02:00.000-06:00

When I bought my Toyota Corolla, I made sure to get the "S" model, because it looked sportier. M.C. also has a Corolla, but he just has the "LE" model. He was trying to explain to me one day why his car was better...6-disc CD changer, fake wood accent, tinted windows, etc.

I stopped him and asked, "But do you have white gauges?"
He replied, "White gauges? What are you talking about?"
I said, "Well, the 'S' model has white gauges in the dashboard."
He just looked at me funny and reluctantly asked, "And that does what for you, exactly?"
I said, "Well, it means my car can go faster than yours. So, who cares about all that other stuff?!"