Strange Ideas

As strange as my mind may seem at times, my brother has equally come up with some strange ideas. One day he came up with the bright idea to weigh himself before and after he went to the bathroom to see how much weight he had lost while he was in there. I honestly have never thought of anything that strange. But it can definitely get worse than that.

When I related this funny anecdote to S.M. today, he said that he actually weighed himself WHILE he was going to the bathroom, so he could watch the weight ticking off point one pounds at a time.

So, Bro, there is someone out there as strange as you.

Reeling Economy Hurts in More Ways than Previously Imagined

In yet another pitiful example of how the poor state of the economy has affected our lives, my company recently changed toilet paper manufacturers to try to cut some costs. Their new choice leaves no doubt as to its cheapness, being that if you hold it up to the light it is basically see-through.

However, this half-ply wonder, as in it is so thin you wonder how it is doing any good at all, is one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever…well, experienced. I’m pretty sure that if someone handed you a roll of sand and glass shards, you would choose that before you chose this masochistic torture roll. Not only does it scrape off the outer two layers of skin with every pass, but it also must be coated in jalapeno and Tobasco sauce to make sure that you are aware that you are missing the above-mentioned two layers of skin.

For all management out there who might stumble upon this blog, don’t go with the cheap stuff. It might save money in the short run, but the Workman’s Comp payouts aren’t worth it.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Outdoors

The weather here in Missouri is finally starting to get a little warmer. Of course, according to the weather report this week, just as the temperature will be edging on “nice” it is supposed to rain and drop at least 20 degrees again. Figures!

I firmly believe that there is someone watching the weather here…someone in charge of making sure that I never have the ability to breathe again through both nostrils simultaneously.

“ALERT! ALERT! We have a code red, people. He’s on the verge of regaining the use of both nostrils. Flip the switch quickly before he figures it out! Did you hear me? We are at DefCon 5! He’s getting close to knowing what everything smells like again without the snot undertone. Drop the temperature 20 degrees; that ought to take care of it. Get moving, people! Do you understand the severity of the situation? We have an Amber Alert. Do you actually want him to have a complete 24 hours without getting a sinus pressure headache?! I didn’t think so. Now get on that switch, and mix in some rain as well.”

My New Lunch Bag

My wife bought me a new lunch bag the other day. This thing is big enough to hold the entire contents of my refrigerator! I told her it looked like luggage. The only thing it is missing is the slide-out handle and some wheels. She said that my use of plastic grocery bags to carry my lunch was henceforth unacceptable, and she watches me like a hawk in the mornings to make sure I’m using the correct bag.

So, I walked into work today with my ginormous lunch bag, and K.E. asked me what I had for lunch. I said, “I’ve got a thing of yogurt in there. It’s a little picky about who it hangs out with. I have to separate it from the rest of my food. The rest of my lunch is in this plastic grocery bag.”

Some people are just stuck in their ways, I guess.

Keep Austin Weird

A.S. said that he was sitting in this café once and saw this cheerleader standing outside the window. She had her back to him, but he noticed how good her legs looked in her short, cheer skirt. When the cheerleader turned around, A.S. was taken aback to see that the cheerleader had a full beard!

That was A.S.’s first introduction to Leslie Cochran, Austin, Texas’s own homeless cross-dresser. According to Leslie’s wikipedia page (yes, he has his own wikipedia page) his favorite outfit is his leopard-skin thong and high-heeled shoes. Apparently, he also ran for Mayor several years ago and got more than 1% of the vote.

I’m still floored that he has his own wikipedia page. I didn’t realize the requirements for fame and status could be as low as wearing a thong and showing it to people. I’m already halfway there!

Candy Connoisseur

I brought some candy to work today. S.M. apparently loves Krackel candy bars, so he spent ten minutes digging all of them out of my candy jar. He then took them to his desk, slowly unwrapped one, ran his nose just above the surface of the bar, breathed in deeply, and then place it on its little foil wrapper on his desk.

I watched all of this with wonder. When he clearly wasn’t going back to it, I asked him what he was doing. He said he was letting it breathe. I then watched as he bit off the corner of the bar and let the chocolate piece melt slowly on his tongue. When it was completely gone, he promptly scarfed down the rest of the Krackel.

A true connoisseur.

Chicken Foreclosures

I read in the paper today that due to the economic crisis, many chickens are losing their houses due to inability to pay. Apparently, they are in extreme debt with their chicken coops, and some are experiencing bankruptcy and bank foreclosures. For the first time in history, chickens are finding themselves homeless, and they don’t know what to do about it. When will this horror end!?

The Coaster

I was sitting in a conference room at work yesterday, where we have these leather coasters that we use to keep water rings from appearing on the conference tables. I slid one of the coasters across the table to another associate on the other side. But the coaster took on a life of its own and headed in a completely different direction.

Down it plunged into the dark void, also known as the one-inch crack between the table and the wall. The table has a back on it, so I couldn’t just crawl under it, and there was no way my arm could fit down the crack to reach it. So, I left it there; sitting forgotten, collecting dust, and useless.

I was in the same conference room today, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the crack. I knew the coaster was sitting down there, barely visible in the half-light shining down from the fluorescent bulbs overhead. I felt a knot, tight and bunched in my stomach. I had robbed that poor coaster of its single purpose in life: to sit on a desk and hold someone’s drink. Something had to be done.

How could I sleep at night, knowing that coaster lurked at the bottom of the crack, and that I had been the one that had turned it to a life of crime, of violence, of darkness? It hadn’t asked for this fate, but life is sometimes a cruel mistress. So, it did whatever it could to survive, to make it from day to day, to eke out a sad existence in that hell that I had subjected it to.

It was driving me crazy! Who was I to determine a coaster’s fate? Am I so cruel and heartless that I could do that without feeling guilt or remorse? Alas, no! I sighed and shook my head. Like Reverend Dimmesdale from the Scarlet Letter, I may not wear the red ‘A’, but I was being persecuted by it nonetheless.

I waited until my meeting was over, and then I crawled under the table. I wedged my pen into the tiny gap under the table’s back, and inch by inch I guided the coaster to freedom. You’ll be relieved to know that the coaster is once again lying on the desk, waiting to fulfill its single purpose in life. Now, maybe I can sleep tonight.

The Low for the Day

I woke up this morning to the weather report being delivered on the radio. The meteorologist said, “…the high today will be 45 with a low of 23. The current temperature is 16.”

How is it possible that the current temperature is lower than the low for the day?

Negative Temperatures

I never even knew my car thermometer could express negative temperatures. I looked down at the dash this morning and was like, “What’s that funny little symbol to the left of the ‘2’?” It was a minus sign. That’s right, negative two degrees here in Missouri today. It was actually probably colder than that, like before the sun actually graced the world with its presence.

In the 12 seconds that it took me to walk from the car into the office building, I lost all feeling in my ears, nose, fingers, and toes, and I couldn’t blink for about two hours. That just isn’t right! My boss tried to send me home, because I was crying. I tried to explain through my Botox lips that I wasn’t upset, I just couldn’t blink and my eyes were drying out.