Ninjabread Cookies

Today, I went shopping with my wife and discovered an amazing gem that I just had to buy for myself. It was a kit to make Ninjabread cookies. That's right gingerbread cookies in ninja poses! Best purchase of the day.

Automated Soap Dispensers

We just moved into a new building at work, and they had automated soap and water dispensers put into the bathroom. When you wave your hand in front of them, they turn on. The problem is that the automated soap dispenser pauses after the initial spurt of soap, then after a few seconds it drops just a little bit more into the sink. This of course greatly bothers my OCD. So today I was washing my hands and that little spurt fell into the sink, so I splashed some water over there to rinse it off. My splash was a little exuberant, and the water hit the sensor on the dispenser. Out comes another gush of soap gooping in a pile in the sink. So I splashed more water over there to wash it down. As I was drying my hands, I noticed that there was a glop of soap dangling from the nozzle of the dispenser, so I took my paper towel and wiped it off. The sensor on the dispenser detected the movement and out comes another gush of soap gooping in a pile in the sink. I had to get my hands wet again to wash it away. All told I probably wasted half a dispenser of soap just trying to wash my hands. The worst part is that I was cracking up laughing the whole time. There was someone in the stall that must have thought I had lost my mind. I can only imagine him sitting there with his foot on the door to make sure I didn't bust in on him.

Indecisive Heater

The heater at work had some indecisiveness going on today. It would rev up and blow really hard and loudly, then it would rev down and be almost inaudible. Hearing this unconsciously in the background all day created a sensation of being at the beach and hearing the waves crashing on the shore. It was nice and calming...you know...for a heater.

Glade Candles for Men

Just in time for Christmas, in an effort to appeal to a broader audience, Glade has come out with a new line of products targeted at men. The new line includes instant classics like: Sweaty Men's Room, All-day Tube Socks, Unshowered All Weekend, and Is That My Armpit? Tested on an extensive sampling of men to ensure authenticity, these new fragrances are sure to remind you of the best parts of your day.

These new scents can be found exclusively at your neighborhood Wal-Mart on the seasonal aisle. Hurry and get your favorite scent today, because they'll only be sold for a limited time.

Halloween

Tonight is Halloween. The first batch of trick-or-treaters came to my door, and as I passed out the candy, the first little girl looked into my candy bowl and said, "Is that all you have?! You're never going to make it." I laughed and said, "I'll be ok, but I thank you for your concern."

Omar the Tent Maker

One Christmas, my father opened up a gift from my grandmother and pulled out a huge pair of khaki shorts. He held them up, and he was completely concealed behind them. Peeping around the side, he said, "My god, mom, these things look like they were made by Omar the tent maker!" 

And they did. They were so big that two of me could fit in these things. Holding them up, he looked like one of those guys in the weight loss adds, showing the pants you used to be able to fit into. But not to be deterred, my grandmother said, "Go try them on so I know what size we need to exchange them for." My dad went into his bedroom and tried them on. When he finally came out, he was beet red. The shorts fit perfectly. 

The moral of the story is not to insult the gift until you've tried it on, or at least don't make a big show and bring attention to just how fat you truly are.

Paper or Plastic?

I went to Walmart one day and the cashier asked me how I was doing. I replied, "I'm having the worst day of my life. I'll probably go home and kill myself."  She replied, "Thats nice. Would you like paper or plastic." I said, "Plastic, so I can wrap it around my head when I get home and suffocate myself."  She said, "You got it, plastic it is."

New TV

A friend of mine bought a new 70" TV cheap. I've never heard of the brand, but it sounds Japanese, so I'm sure it's fine. He said its from a company called Yomama.

The Secret Life of Shoes

There's a lady in my dad’s church that was collecting used shoes to fund a mission trip. I'm curious to know what she plans to do with the shoes to make money. Surely nobody would buy used shoes...you would just donate them, right? So I decided that the only logical answer was that she's going to start a YouTube channel where people can pay to watch her hidden closet cam. All day long they can sit enthralled at what really goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps they already have the hidden cams, but people were losing interest in only watching brand new, expensive shoes. So they decided to introduce some chaos, to see what would happen if used shoes were put together with new shoes. Imagine the drama and appeal as the used shoes corrupt the innocence of the new shoes. Imagine when one day you turn on the cam and find that a left used tennis shoe has paired up with a right new high heel. Imagine the scandal!

The Horse and His Rider (A Short Story)

A rider rides up to a tree where two other horses are already tied up. He dismounts and says to the horse, "We're resting here for a few minutes, but don't get comfortable because we'll be riding out soon. But while we have some time, I'd like to take a moment to address your performance lately." 

The horse neighs in disapproval. The rider walks around and looks the horse in the eye, holding the reins by the side of his face. "Don't give me that, you know what you did. It would take too long to talk about everything, so I want to focus on two things." 

The horse blows his lips at him. "I'm going to ignore that comment. Now, your ninja-walk...lets be honest here...it sucks. You know how to do it, but you just won't. There are times in our line of work where we need to be stealth. But you...you just clomp around all over the place." The rider walks to the side of the horse and starts to tie a rope to the saddle. "I've told you more than once, you need to walk on the outside edge of your hoof...the outside edge." 

The horse reaches back and starts to try to untie the rope with his teeth. "Stop that! That's another thing, your attitude needs some work. You can't keep treating me like this. I'm the rider and you're the horse. There is an order to these things." The horse reaches back and tries to untie the rope again, but the rider shoos him away. "This is not a democracy. When I say something, you do it. This constant undermining of my orders is making me look bad in front of the other riders. Besides, you don't know the full scope of the plans, so you can't see the big picture. That's on a need to know basis, and you need to trust that I have our best interest at heart." 

The horse tries to untie the rope again. The rider sighs in frustration and throws his hands in the air, "Are you even listening? Am I talking to myself here? This...this is what I'm talking about!" The rider starts to walk away and turns back to the horse. "This conversation is not over. When I get back, we're going to address your tendency to walk under every low-hanging tree branch you can find!" The horse neighs in laughter. The rider groans in disgust and walks away, shaking his head in defeat.

The Story of How Chris' Car Ended Up in the Lava

It started out as a little harmless fun. I made it back to my car in Borderlands 2 first, so I thought I'd push his car away a little so he'd have to walk a little further. Being as I was backing up, I didn't notice that there was a volcano behind me. And what started out as harmless hazing ended up with Chris' car in the lava. I did the only decent thing you can do at that moment, and I drove away before he got back. I told him that a bandit had blown up his car. Of course he asked why I didn't try to stop the bandit or at least hang around to give Chris a ride to the nearest Catch A Ride.

Tipping

Why do we base our tip amount on a percentage of the meal? So if a restaurant raises their prices, does that mean that the quality of the service suddenly got better? Does that mean that the waiter or waitress suddenly has more tasks to do and therefore deserves a larger tip? 

The price of the food is indicative of the quality of the food not the quality of the service. I have actually given less tip if the food is too expensive, figuring they can afford to pay their employees more since they're charging so much, so they don't need my tips to survive.

And why are we expected to give a certain percentage regardless of the service rendered? The standard nowadays is around 20%. Who came up with that arbitrary amount, and why did we all agree to it?

Why don't we base our tip amount on a list of defined tasks? For each task or service rendered, they earn a defined amount...not percentage. So, if I receive the same service at a hamburger joint that I receive at a 5-star restaurant, then they get the same tip.

It could go something like this:

• Makes sure my drinking glass is always full of liquid without me having to ask - $1
• Gets my order correct and comes back after the food is delivered to make sure it was prepared correctly - $1
• Checks on me several times throughout the meal to see if I need anything - $1
• If the food is taking too long, comes to the table to apologize and explain what's going on - $0.50 (bonus $1 if offers a complimentary something while we wait)
• Interacts with the table in a funny and personal way - $2
• Brings the bill at the right time without me having to ask - $1

In this way it becomes a reward system where they know what they need to do to earn the tip, we know how much to tip based on what they did, and the amount is consistent regardless of the restaurant or price of the food.

And why do we feel compelled to tip someone for doing their job? They don't even have to go above and beyond to get a tip, just do their job. Like tipping a taxi driver? Their job is to transport us from one location to another. Why should we tip for that? Now if they go above and beyond, like getting us there quickly or avoiding traffic by taking an alternate route, then ok. Or tipping my barber. I expect them to cut my hair and do it correctly. Why am I tipping for that? Now if they entertain me with conversation or consult on the best way to do my hair to be more advantageous to me, then ok. I just think that tipping should be in response to a service above and beyond, not just expected.

Just Be Yourself

People tell you to just be yourself. I know they mean to have the personality and style that is yours, whatever makes you feel comfortable. I know they are saying that you shouldn't let the world dictate who you're going to be or pretend to be someone else.

But what I think about is the freedom to walk around naked and just be free. I probably should move to a country like France or Italy where it's acceptable to be naked, but I'd need to be in a place with beautiful people. Because if other people are going to be naked too, I don't want them to be ugly. But not too beautiful, because I don't want to be the ugly guy either. So naked and the right amount of beautiful.

The Recycling Bin

The waste management company for our neighborhood recently decided to change the trash and recycling bins. They had one crew grab the bins on your normal trash or recycling day, and another crew brought you a new one later.

The problem was that we were out of town when they grabbed the recycling bin, which was fine because they grabbed it the next week. However, something happened because they never brought us a new one.

Our neighborhood is fairly new so they're still building houses on our street. So while driving one night, we saw a newly-constructed house that was still unoccupied. And lo and behold there was a brand new trash and recycling bin sitting in the driveway. So my wife and I got the bright idea to do a night raid and procure the unclaimed recycling bin.

We thought it would be a quick snatch and grab. So we dressed in dark clothing, waited until it was late, and quietly drove down the street. Everything was fine until we started to try to stuff the bin in the trunk. We didn't plan on the largeness of the bin or the physical limitations of our trunk. I can fit three dead bodies in it, but not one recycling bin!

I tried to maneuver that bin every way possible to no avail. I even tried holding it to the back of the car and roping the trunk down to hold it. Didn't work. I was growing more and more frustrated, not to mention more and more concerned that we looked more and more suspicious.

At one point, a man went walking by with his dog. I hissed at my wife to freeze. So there we stood, not moving, holding a recycling bin half in the trunk, waiting for this guy to slowly meander by us. It took what seemed like an eternity, as his dog decided to stop every six inches and smell something. The guy, completely oblivious and absorbed in his phone, never looked in our direction once.

After that close call, we resumed our heist with renewed vigor. But realizing now what a compromising position we were in, I was all ready to tie the bin to the bumper and just let it roll behind the car, or hang my arm out the window and roll it alongside. I was desperate and running out of creative ways to procure this stupid recycling bin.

That is when my wife decided to give her first suggestion. To her credit, she had stayed out of it and let me work through failed plan after failed plan, laughing silently to herself as each one escalated into more ridiculousness. But enough was enough, so she finally said, "Why don't you just put it in the back seat?"

I sighed with frustration at her stupid idea. But I held in most of my feelings and talked to her in that "humor the dummy" voice that we all have and pull out from time to time. "It obviously won't fit through the door, which is smaller than the trunk opening," I replied. "Maybe it will, have you tried?" she asked. "No, because I can see it wont fit. It's a spacial awareness problem. I have always had better spacial awareness than you, so just trust me." 

Getting annoyed, she grabbed the bin from my hands, flung the back door open, and shoved it in in one smooth motion. She closed the door, looked at me and smiled, and said in that "humor the dummy" voice that we all have and pull out from time to time, "I guess you were right...spacial awareness."

In the end, I really don't care, because I had my stolen recycling bin, which proved harder to get out of the car than to get in it. But that's another story.

Wait...what?!

Today my wife hit me for making fun of her.  As a complete automatic reaction I raised my arm to ward off the blow, and she hit my elbow with her knuckle. She squealed in pain and told ME to apologize for hurting her.  There is something so wrong with that!

Only Way to Watch a Movie

What a beautiful thing to experience a movie, not by watching the screen but by watching the face of someone watching the screen. To see the play of emotions cross their face as they feel sadness, happiness, anticipation, and pensive thought. It gives you a completely different perspective to movie enjoyment.

Need a New Bed

Our memory foam bed has Alzheimer's.  It no longer knows how to find its form again.  Either that or there is a ghost sleeping in our bed right now, because there is an outline of a body still etched in the foam.

Vendor Specifications

Sometimes trying to read and interpret vendor specifications at work is akin to spending hours wondering what drugs they were on when they wrote them.

"Yes, after reading these specs, I'm detecting that at least eight separate narcotics were in use simultaneously when you wrote this. Please review and confirm after you're sober."

The Replacement Pact

I told my wife that if she dies, that I'm going to wait about a week and start looking for someone else. It is no disrespect to her memory, just that I can't be alone. She told me that she understood. She said that if I ever get sick that she'll start looking too. Wait...what?!

Duck in Flight

As we drove over the dam this morning, I saw a duck take off from the lake. He was flying so low that the tips of his wings were batting the water, leaving twin ripples in a wake behind him. The orange-red sunlight filtering through the purple clouds filled the ripples with moving colors.  What a beautiful way to start the day.

The Floor Mat

If I died, I wonder who would miss me.  I imagine people would show up at my funeral, even my vaguest acquaintances could do that. But who would actually care?  The sad truth of it is that the majority of the people that would probably care are at work. They'd probably miss me, but not for the right reasons. 

It's not because they've developed a life-long friendship with me or because I touched their lives in some way. No it's because they wouldn't have someone to ask their questions and even worse...they'd have to divvy up my workload among them. I have actually been told by several people (not in jest) that I can't leave my job; not because they'd miss my smile, or laugh, or witty sense of humor; but because I'm the only one that will take time to help them.

I'm constantly being used, and nobody really cares to get to know me in the process. It's sad. On the flip side, I need more true friends. People that don't care what I do for a living or what I can do for them.

Assessment Test

I took this assessment test at work. One of the sections was a series of math problems. The example in the instructions was encouraging:

16 / 4 = ?

Without thinking, I knew the answer was 3, and I immediately smiled and said to myself, "I am going to own this test!" I flipped to the first problem. I kid you not, this is what I was given:

(11^3)(1/3)(18%)(0.0825) = ?

What the heck is that?! How much further from the example could they have gotten on the first problem out of the gate?!

Having lost all confidence, I slowly slogged through this obvious test of genius, until I came to the last problem. It went something like this:

Phil saves 18% of every dollar he earns.  He works two jobs. At the first he makes $6.25 an hour. At the second he makes $7.50 an hour. Phil works a total of 40 hours a week between the two jobs. What other information do you need to solve this problem?

Are you freaking kidding me?! Who saw that coming?!

Weird Like Me

I love thinking up some weird idea, like a slogan for a t-shirt or sticker, and then Googling it only to find someone else has had the same idea. It's gratifying to know that there are people out there just as strange as me.

Lost Cat

There's a sign posted in my neighborhood that says, "Lost Cat - Black with White Paws." At first I thought these people felt like I would have felt in that situation...jubilation and exhilaration. Then I read further and saw it say, "Reward Offered." I was confused by this, because it seemed that they actually wanted the thing back...instead if enjoying the freedom of a house without a worthless animal that messes with all my crap and only shows me attention when it wants something.

That must have been a mistake.

New Year...New Workout

Being as it’s a new year, I decided to start working out again. Me and the other one hundred enthusiasts who stupidly believe that this year they'll actually stick with their workout routine for more than 4-6 weeks.

Based on a doctor's advice, I decided to give the elliptical machine a try.  High reward and low impact sounded exactly like what I needed. I picked one of the preset programs, and off I went. 

The first three minutes or so were ok as my body got used to exercise again. Then the machine made a strange noise and suddenly walking (or ellipticalling?) was not coming so smoothly anymore. I realized that the strange noise was the machine going from level 1 to level 3. Determined to give this a fair go, I grunted it out and struggled along for another three minutes. At which point the machine made that horrible noise again and jumped to level 6.

That's when my body started protesting the torture I was inflicting on it. My thighs were burning...I could literally see smoke coming off my pants. My knees suddenly decided that bending side to side was easier than front to back.  My legs felt like burning jelly, knees going side to side, the motion of the machine going forward and back. At one point I lost my balance and was almost thrown violently from the death-inducing device.  I managed to grab the handle just in time.

That's when I saw the little buttons on the handle to adjust the level up or down. I frantically started pushing the down button, only to have the machine override my attempts and keep it at level 6...all the while the stupid display is screaming "Peddle Faster!"

I finally managed to push the Stop button and was violently thrown off the machine in a heap. It was at this point the machine started beeping again. As if to add insult to injury, the screen flashed, "Workout Summary...Below Average." I have no idea why people don't stick with a workout routine.

Headstone

I've often wondered what I'd like to put on my headstone. Loving Husband, Playful Father, Grouchy Grandfather. But none of those things seems to incorporate all that is me. There's something lacking, something missing.

Well today I believe I have finally managed to condense all that I am into three words. 

Pants Are Optional

Brilliant!

Homeless Greek Chickens

Devastation in Greece, as thousands of chickens suddenly find themselves homeless. The Greek government announced that it will start to consider chicken coups as a residential domicile, and will tax the square footage on the coups at the same rate as homes. In an effort to reduce taxes in a time when everything is being taxed to the limit to pay off national debt, many families in Greece are demolishing their chicken coups...leaving thousands of chickens wondering where they'll find a warm bed in the coming nights.

Complimentary Donuts

"Your complimentary coffee and donuts suck, but I'm eating them anyway because they're free. But it tastes like I'm consuming tar and stones."

- BD's feedback to Volkswagen while waiting for the service on his car.

The Flying V

I'm sure you've been outside at one time and seen (or heard) a skein of geese flying overhead.  Geese are cool, because they fly in a "V" pattern, which helps them conserve energy by reducing air resistance for the goose behind them. Each goose takes a turn at the front, falling to the end when they get too tired. In this way, they can actually fly for longer distances before needing a rest.

But their are speculations that the formation also aids in coordination and communication among the geese. What this means is that it's possible that each goose has a specific responsibility while in a particular place in the formation. Kind of like a rugby team. 

So, if you were a goose, then where would you be in the goose formation? 

Me, I'd want to be second. That way, I could encourage and motivate the leader. Of course, it's only fair to mention that I'd probably also be leading a coup to take the flock away while the leader wasn't looking.