The Second Act

I realized today that this blog is the platform for my stand-up comedy routine. I try out stories and jokes on people in real life. If they bring laughs and interest, then I include them in my blog. People who know me well have even started to say, “You should blog about that.”

I imagine comedians write down jokes and ideas throughout the day. Then, they put them in their act and see which ones work and which bomb. I just do it the other way around.

Sometimes it’s hard to capture the tone, pauses, emphasis, or sound effect in text. The live version is funnier. And that’s why I encourage people to read my posts out loud, because then you can imagine that I’m reading it to you, the way that I’d read it to you, like one of those movie voiceovers.

Leek Soup and the Flatulating Tree

A friend of ours gave us a recipe that he created for a leek soup. It’s not really a soup, because he puts it on other things like pasta or rice, so I’d say it’s more of a leek sauce. Regardless, it’s chock full of a variety of vegetables and beef. Surprisingly, I actually find it incredibly tasty, despite my aversion to many “exotic” vegetables (leek is exotic to me). The downside that we found is that it tends to give everyone in the house gas. And I mean very audible, blow the covers off the bed, could clear a room or kill small farm animals gas.

But what I can’t figure out is if that’s just a natural side effect to the leek soup/sauce or if my spousal unit changed something in the ingredients. So, I’m trying to figure out a polite way to ask my friend if the leek soup/sauce also gives him flatulence, but no matter how I approach it, I can’t seem to weave it into a conversation. I feel like it would be a conversation killer. Like where do you go after that incredibly random and awkward exchange?

This got me thinking. Do trees flatulate? I know what you’re thinking. How did he go from leek soup/sauce to flatulating trees? (Well, at least some of you may be thinking that. Some of you may be wondering what the color nine smells like, but I can’t help you with that.) Well, when you’re discussing with your mother about your dilemma over how to bring up leek soup/sauce flatulence in a conversation (this is how I know it’s a conversation killer), and you’re staring out the window at your beautiful red oak tree in the backyard, it’s not such a leap.

So, do they? Do trees toot? If you poured leek soup/sauce on their roots would they toot more? How would you measure if the amount of flatulence increased after absorbing the leek soup/sauce? Forget curing cancer, this is where we should be putting our research money!

I guess we figured out where you go after bringing up the fact that leek soup/sauce gives you gas. You talk about flatulating trees and the effect of leek soup/sauce on their gas. But that’s it. There’s no hope after that. You just have to walk away at that point.

UPDATE: I found out that my spousal unit has been omitting bell peppers from the recipe. Perhaps the bell pepper acts as a counteragent to reduce the amount of flatulence caused by the leek soup/sauce. Maybe our friend added them by experience and necessity. Maybe he learned the hard way that something more was needed.

So, I’ve asked my spousal unit to add the bell peppers next time to see if it reduces the overall flatulence level in the house. This could perhaps save my friendship as well!

Praying for a Successful Failure

CC had an interview today, and he said he thought it went well. But the interviewer told him that they still had one candidate to talk to before making their final decision. I told him that’s a tough one. On the one hand, you don’t want to wish ill on someone else and hope they fail. On the other hand, you want to get the job. So, I suggested that he pray to God that the other candidate would do really well on the interview, but then he’d ask for far too much money and price himself out of the deal. That way you weren’t praying for bad things to happen, but you would still get the job!

CC said he was just going to pray that God’s will be done. I suppose that would work too, but I think mine was a little more specific and direct as to what I really want.

Resume 2.0

I wanted to write an updated resume that not only captured my skills and experience, but also my unique personality. I always liked the idea from the movie Legally Blonde, where she wrote her resume on pink paper and made it scented. But in this digital age, it’s hard to capture scent through a digital medium. So, I tried to get creative, and I added a comment at the end of the resume text that tells the reader that my resume smells like cucumber and green tea extract. I advised them to use their imagination.

Never Got Over It

While talking to CC today, I was reminded of two things that my mom always used to say to me. Both were equal parts frustrating, and to be honest, they’re still maddening to this day.

One day, I got in trouble for something. For what, I don’t remember, but that’s not relevant to the story. It’s safe to assume, though, that I was innocent of whatever I was being accused of. When my mom started getting onto me about it, I asked, “What did I do?!”

To which she replied, “You know what you did!”

“Actually I don’t, which is why I’m asking.”

Losing what shred of patience she had left, she exclaimed, “Well, you can go to your room and think about what you did!”

As I trudged into my room, I had no idea what I did. An hour later when she came to release me, I still had no clue. Thirty-five years later, I still have no clue. I am not sure she knows or knew.

On another occasion, I was trying to write a paper for school, and I was struggling with the spelling of a word. I went and asked my mom how to spell it, and she replied, “Look it up in the dictionary.”

I believe my smart aleck reply was, “How can I look it up in the dictionary, if I don’t know how to spell it? Perhaps you don’t know how to spell it either, and you’re trying to cover it up with that stupid response.”

On second thought, I now remember why I got in trouble and was sent to my room.