Licking the Envelope

Licking the Envelope (v): From the Dictionary of Made Up Words. Origin: Derived from "Pushing the Envelope."1. To test your limits. To push yourself to excel through danger.2. To risk getting a papercut on your tongue.

Water Agony

I was stuck in a really long meeting today, and somewhere around the planned halfway point, I needed to go to the restroom. But since it was my meeting, I couldn't just pop out for a few min. I figured I could hang on until it was over, but as the time crept by, that got harder and harder. And the more I tried not to think about it, the more I thought about it. And the more I thought about it, the more urgent the need became to go...like right now! What made matters worse is that the meeting did NOT end when it was supposed to...in fact, it went on for another half an hour! I was dying. And the water in my glass was mocking me, as it undulated with the vibrations from the table, calling out to me like a siren in the sea...drink from me, drink from me...you already have to go, so what different does it make. I couldn't stand it, so I looked away, only to see the guy's glass next to me condensing as the ice melted, the water sliding down the side of the cup into a puddle on the table. The puddle getting larger and larger until a little river broke away and went snaking across the table...RIGHT TOWARDS ME! I was in agony! And then it started to rain outside. The water pattering first softly against the window and then louder and louder, intensifying in its fury the more I tried to avoid it. My project leader asked me what I thought about the discussion that had been going on, and I answered, "I think I need to go," and I shot out the door.

Mirror Connection

There's something magical, almost connecting, about listening to a song on the radio, feeling your lips moving to the lyrics, and then looking in the rear view mirror to see the lady in the car behind you singing the same song.

Thoughts on Polygamy

I can't even begin to fathom cultures that believe in polygamy.  How must the old wife feel when the husband brings home a new one?  She's just supposed to be cool and go with it on the outside, but I can imagine she's seething on the inside.

I don't know how I'd feel if I came home to find another man living in my house.  My first instinct is to be pissed.  But then again, it might be cool to have someone else to play pool with or go shoot some hoops.

Speeding

A guy I worked with got a speeding ticket the other day on the way to work.  On the way TO work.  I can see getting one on the way home, but why are you rushing TO work?!

Pained Face

Whenever BD had a pensive, thoughtful look on his face, his grandfather would tell him, "You're either trying to squeeze one out or you're wrestling with a thought that's too big for you.  Either way you need to stop."

The Flying Liver

It's no secret that I hate liver.  There is nothing redeeming about it.  And if anyone says differently, they're a bold-faced liar...don't listen to them.  Unfortunately, my mother had different views about this meat from hell.  She seemed to think that good little boys (or even little boys like my brother and I) should choke down liver at every opportunity.  I secretly think that she even made a point to special order it every time we went to my grandparent's house.  To this day, I don't really know how my mother feels about liver, but I suspect that she secretly hates liver as well, but my childhood was some form of passing along of the punishment endured during her childhood.

Either way, liver found its way onto our plates regardless of the protests and screaming that went on to keep it off.  And since my brother and I had to eat it, so did my cousin.  Sorry about that, cuz.  We'd all be loaded up and sent outside.  That was my mother's first mistake...sending us outside.  The second mistake she made was underestimating the aerodynamic qualities of liver as it's catapulted over the neighbor's fence.  Correction...my cousin underestimated the aerodynamic qualities of liver as it's catapulted over the neighbor's fence.  Since his liver not only cleared the fence by about ten feet, but also smacked against the neighbor's house.  I still don't know the secret ingredient in my grandmother's gravy, but I do know that it has amazing adhesive properties. 

That liver clung to the neighbor's house like its life depended on it.  It wouldn't fall no matter how much we willed it.  Asparagus and cauliflower couldn't knock it off.  Squash was no match for the liver.  Needless to say, we got caught when my mother came out, pointed at the liver, and asked, "What the heck is that?!"

And that's when the cruel twist of fate occurred.  Because precisely at that moment, the liver fell off the house and landed with a wet smack on the concrete.  Figures!  I caught a glimpse of the neighbor's dog heading over to investigate through the slats of the fence.  He took one whiff of that liver, and took off running.  He wouldn't even eat it.  Smart dog.

Passing in Texas

I was driving 75 mph down a two-lane highway in Texas one time.  Just to be clear, that's one lane each direction.  Also to be clear, I was going five miles over the speed limit.  Some moron comes flying up on my butt, so close I could read his VIN number in my side mirror.  There was a steady stream of traffic coming the other way, so there was no way he was passing me.  Normally, I would have been a nice guy and pulled over onto the shoulder to let him by, but this stretch of highway didn't have a shoulder.  So, for a few miles, he did the bob and weave back and forth behind me, trying to find his moment.  Finally, he got fed up and just passed me on the right.  That's right...in the grass on the side of the highway.  I saw a smiling teenager and his stupid, smiling friends passing me at over 80 mph in an Oldsmobile in the grass.

Only in Texas!

Emergency Contact

I was a few minutes late for work one day.  I got pulled into the boss's office and given a lecture about how I should call in if I was going to be even a minute late.  I was expected to work my full shift, no excuses.

I was a little miffed, so I sarcastically asked, "What about if something happens to me, and I get in an accident and can't call?"

The boss never missed a beat.  "Work better be the first emergency contact in your phone.  We need to know you're going to miss your shift before anyone else.  When we say no excuses for missing work, we mean no excuses.  Death, at the moment, is the only excuse, and even that policy is currently under review."

First Chin Hair

I was very proud of my first chin hair.  I felt like a man.  I was the first boy in my class to get one, and I wore it like a badge of honor.  Unfortunately, it was sort of off to the side, instead of in the middle where it would have looked the coolest.  So, I took to using hair spray to get it to wrap around my chin.

Setup...Set up...

"I have provided a new proposed setup which includes the new codes that we will setup on the testing platforms."

The above sentence is from an e-mail I recently received.  It illustrates another pet peeve I have in regard to people in the technology industry abusing the word "setup."  Setup is not appropriate to use in every situation.  It really depends on if you're using it as a noun or verb.  If it's a noun, then it's "setup."  (As in the above sentence, "new proposed setup.")  If it's a verb, then it's "set up."  (As abused in the above sentence, "we will set up.")  That's right, two distinct words!  Learn it, embrace it, follow it.

Shut Up!

Some days, like today, there are a lot of impromptu aisle meetings around my cube.  Some days, like today, there is a lot of talking about the start of the baseball season and who got who in the fantasy draft.  Some days, like today, there are some strange noises coming over the cube wall from the guy who can't wait until lunch to eat his lunch, so he starts unwrapping and horking it down for breakfast instead.

On those days, like today, I'm usually struggling to concentrate to get some time-urgent tasks done.  So, I pop my headphones in to drown out the world.  Today, when I turned on my iPod, "Shut Up!" by the Black-Eyed Peas started playing.  I thought it was both ironic and appropriate.

Compression Sessions

SM was reading the Tech Design and Testing Recommendations document on what we are supposed to be doing with the new technical design process.  One of the things listed is 'Project teams will hold Compression Sessions as needed'.

Not knowing what Compression Sessions were, he searched for it on Google and received:  "When 1 or more people smoke marijuana in an enclosed space such as a car, small room. etc."

I wonder if that's what our management really meant when they wrote that in the document...

Streetlights

When I was a kid, I lived in a trailer park.  I know there are preconceived notions about trailer parks and the people that live in them.  Some of them are true, some of them aren't.  Regardless, I met a lot of really great people there.  I played with friends.  I went on the prowl with the lovely ladies (okay, I was nine, so they weren't ladies yet, but you get the point).  I had fun.  And the one thing I remember about those days is my mom telling me to be back home by the time the streetlights came on.

I didn't always make it.  There were plenty of times that I was peddling furiously down the street, over the ditch, and up the hill.  What an odd memory to hang on to.

Ojo Negro

I realized today that I mooned a lot of people when I was in high school.  I'd say that just about all of my friends and family got mooned at least once, sometimes more if they were "lucky."  And I didn't discriminate against gender either.  My female friends got the ojo negro just as often as the male ones.  (Due to its controversial nature, I won't take the time to explain the term "ojo negro" here.  It's a joke between my brother and I.  If you are truly curious, then look it up online and use your imagination.)

But I took the moonings to be a way of expressing my comfort with you.  It was like an initiation into the group, if you will.  A way for you to know that you were accepted into the "inner circle" (pun intended).

I'd Rather Play Than Take Medicine

Every time I turn around these days, I hear of another kid getting diagnosed as ADD or ADHD and put on Ritalin.  I can only recall a single kid in my class ever getting diagnosed as hyperactive and put on medication the entire time I was growing up.  Of course, that was a very different time.  We actually went outside.  In fact, it was hard for our parents to keep us indoors at all.  It was a constant struggle to try to convince my parents that doing my homework before I went out was stupid, because I'd miss all the daylight.

So, is it really the kids' chemicals that are changing or is it perhaps the kind of environment that we set up for them? I mean maybe a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD is really just a sign that the natural process of humans releasing energy is being impeded by the fact that we never get off our backsides long enough to burn any energy off!  This applies to adults as well.  We weren't meant to sit motionless for so long.  We were meant to hunt and play.  Possibly more playing than hunting...

Uh...?

Today, my project leader asked me if fees were calculated once a year or annually.  Without missing a beat, I said, "Well, they have the option to do it once a year or annually, but not both."

Meetings, Meetings...Where Will It End?

Today we had a meeting at work to discuss the number of meetings we were having and how it was impacting our work.  We couldn't come to a conclusion by the end of the meeting, so we set up another meeting next week to continue the discussion.

Stuffed in Greece

I have not managed to avoid gluttony on my trip, but not for lack of trying. Take today for example. We went to a friend's house for lunch. I didn't get to make my own plate, even though I tried. And that meant I had to have quadrupel helpings of everything. I'm not kidding you, there was a pile of food about four or five inches off the plate. So, I made my best attempt to eat it all - not wanting to be rude - and this was my second mistake (the first being not having held onto my plate to begin with). We then were served with not one, not two, but three dessert courses. And each one was bigger than the last. Apparently, the phrase "No, I'm stuffed, and I couldn't eat another bite" gets translated into Greek as "I know I've just consumed the equivalent of a large horse, but please give me the largest piece of cake you can cut...actually, just bring me the whole box." I was hurting when we left. Left to go to another friend's house, supposedly for coffee and talking. I was assured I was safe, so I breathed a sigh of relief. Apparently, coffee and talking in Greece implies - completely without the necessity to say it - that two different kinds of cakes, an assortment of chocolates, and various nut families will also be on the menu. I'm definitely skipping dinner tonight, and most likely all meals tomorrow.

Perfect Greek Day

Absolutely beautiful day today. Coolish, but the sun was out and it was perfect. And I saw it all from the window, since I spent most of it inside. I kept trying to find reasons to go outside, but you know how things go...and then it's dark. Okay, my wife is making me amend this, because she did take me out for a walk on the beach to watch the sunset...it was, you know, sort of romantic...okay! there I said it...happy?

Greek New Year #2

Apparently, last night was only Round 1. We're having a second celebration today as well. I'm already into the elastic pants, and I'm not sure how much further they can stretch! How do Greeks stay so thin?