Stew-Pid!

I love how my mother-in-law says the word ‘stupid.’ It comes out as ‘stewpid’ instead. Which honestly just seems more fitting anyway, especially since she adds more inflection to that word and sometimes even drags it out for a beat. “Nobody can drive today! Everyone is so STEW-PID!” It’s hard to argue with that!

Gecko Freak Out

Spousal Unit: “Uh…there’s a lizard on the freaking ceiling.”
Me [looking up]: “Yep, there sure is.”
Spousal Unit: “Well, aren’t you going to do something about it?”
Me: “That’s a twelve foot ceiling. What do you think I can do about it? Besides, he’s not hurting anything. He’s probably eating the spiders. Leave him alone.”
Spousal Unit: “What if he decides to fling himself off there in the middle of the night?! I’m not sleeping in here with a potential daredevil lizard hanging over me!”
Me: “Oh for crying out loud, I’ll get the fly swatter.”
Spousal Unit: “Don’t kill him!”
Me: “I’m not, but how else do you expect me to get him down? Come on, little guy. Don’t fall off of there. No, no, no! Don’t run over there! Crap, hang on, I’m going to get a chair.”
Spousal Unit: “Hurry before he gets away.”
Me: “Where did he go?”
Spousal Unit: “He ran down the wall over there.”
Me: “Why are you standing on the bed?”
Spousal Unit: “In case he comes after me.”
Me: “He’s capable of climbing up the wall and hanging upside down from the ceiling, but you don’t think he can climb up on the bed to get you if he wants to?”
Spousal Unit: “Okay, I didn’t think it through. Just get him.”
Me: “Come on, little guy. Sit still, so I can put this cup over you. I promise that I won’t hurt you. I’m trying to get you back outside. No!”
Spousal Unit: “What happened?”
Me: “He ran behind the changing table. Now, I have to move everything. Oh, come on!”
Spousal Unit: “Now what?”
Me: “He ran behind the dresser. Why couldn’t you have just left him alone?! Ugh, this thing weighs a ton. Okay, nice and easy. Stay…stay…stay. For crying out loud!”
Spousal Unit: “Did you get him?”
Me: “No, he ran behind the mirror. Okay, I’m about to go get the fly swatter you stupid lizard. Stop running away from me! Got him! He’s a little Mediterranean House Gecko. Oh my god, he was probably just trying to sell you insurance!”
Spousal Unit: “I’m not buying. Get him out of the house. And then, can you please put everything back? I’m really tired. I’m going to bed.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m sure all that standing on the bed and squealing really wore you out.”