The War of Switzerland

My wife and I have a sort of no-man’s land between us in the bed. It is the narrow strip of “land” that designates the border between her side of the bed and my side of the bed. It is considered neutral territory, so we call it “Switzerland.”

On chilly nights it is not uncommon for me to feel the presence of an invading army crossing Switzerland and heading into my territory. These savages bring terrifying weapons of war with them. They are weapons so heinous that it instantly demoralizes my troops. They are paralyzed with fear. What sort of weapons could cause such an emotion in such a land born of the strongest and fiercest of warriors, you might ask? Rolling siege weapons made entirely of ice.

But this can’t be normal ice, for it is so cold it makes the very air drop with their frigid bite. They must be forged in the depths of the earth itself, these ice blocks from hell. (Yes, I’m fully aware of the irony there.) One touch from these Ice Siegers is enough to bring the strongest of my defenses down in mere seconds. They seem to sap the warmth and life from my very bones until I am but an Ice Sieger myself. I have found no weapon to deal with these terrors of ice.

I have made attempts to build walls along the border between my land and Switzerland, but the infidels figured out how to tunnel and soon the wall was useless.

I once tried a preemptive strike, trying to invade Switzerland before the invading host. However, I was met on the field of battle by not just Ice Siegers, but an entire army of ice warriors. They surrounded us, enveloping my entire force in their icy embrace.

I devised these sacks made of sheep's hair that we were able to successfully throw over the Ice Siegers. At first we cockily thought this would work. However, we were soon to learn the error of our ways when the biting cold from within slowly seeped through the sacks and grasped us with their frozen fingers anyway.

I even waited until the enemy was absent from her land, fighting some other horde, and moved in to take her land over. I was reveling in my victory, when I was surprised to find the Ice Siegers attacking again. But they weren't coming from the edges of her other border as I expected but from MY own land!

I have given up all attempts to fight these ice beasts. I am resigned to the fate that has befallen me. The Ice Siegers are apart of our daily lives now, and their reign of terror will continue for years to come.