Sunday, May 14, 2017

What's the Point of Living?

I find myself sitting here today wondering what I have to live for. I would never live for work, but work is not satisfying anymore anyway. I feel as if they no longer are investing in me. They have found others more compliant and malleable, those that will go with the flow rather than fight the system. But I don't care. It holds no meaning for me anymore. I don't care if they realize how amazing I am, and that they are wasting me. My home life is just as stale. It's just a rut; a monotonous, repetitive routine. I have no goal, nothing to look forward to. My relationship with my wife is not bad, but it's not fulfilling its potential either. And I constantly feel like she's not trying anymore. She seems content with us merely being friends, not lovers. She's so wrapped up in work again, that she doesn't even notice me. I live alone inside myself. The saddest part is that I'm tired of trying to be something in her eyes. I shouldn't have to fight so hard for someone to want me, to be important. So I don't try either. I am dutiful, but not much more. I'm here to serve; to be used...to be used up. There doesn't seem to be much point in any of it anymore. All the potential in the world, and I'm wasting it on...nothing really. I'm not using it at all. I know I could change things, but I feel like my responsibilities are holding me back. I'm stuck doing the things I feel I have to do to give others a comfortable existence. I'm sacrificing my happiness to give others brief moments of happiness of their own. I don't regret doing things for others, but it's not enough to keep me moving forward anymore. Nothing seems to be enough to keep me moving forward anymore. I see no point in it at all anymore. The whole process is just a huge waste of time. What am I supposed to do, just spend the next 50 years of my life doing this same thing every day? I don't think that prospect of a future is good for me. If you aren't fulfilling your potential, then what's the point of living every day?

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