Thursday, May 3, 2018

Sumo Prom

After my high school prom, the planning committee put on an after-prom.  This was supposed to deter people from going off to other parties and participating in harmful or regrettable activities.  The theme of the after-prom was Casino Night, so they transformed the hall into a casino; complete with a Blackjack table, a Roulette Wheel, a karaoke machine, and other various games.  But when the fun began, I bypassed all of these and led my date straight to the sumo wrestling mat.

That’s right, sumo wrestling!  For anyone that has not seen this, they dress you up in a large padded suit, complete with sumo hair and mawashi (the belt and loincloth), and you attempt to knock each other down or bounce each other out of the ring.  There is so much padding in the suits to “fatten” you up to sumo size that you can barely feel anything.

But to truly understand the scene that night, you have to have a better picture of my date.  KE was 5’1” tall and probably weighed around 120 lbs.  In contrast, I was 8” taller, although I probably didn’t outweigh her by more than 5-6 pounds.  But the height was definitely an advantage with the sumo suits, because the smallest ones were made for people with an average height of around 5’4”.  So, KE was struggling to even see out of the top of it.  Her suit was so bunched up that she could barely move.  Honestly, it was more of a waddle.

I have been told that to truly be romantic, you’re supposed to let the girl win.  But when an ultra-competitive streak goes up against romance, all while dressed in a sumo suit, bad things can happen.  The moment that whistle blew, I was off like a shot, charging my way across the mat as KE was slowly waddling towards me.  By the time we made contact, I had built up so much momentum, that KE went flying out of the ring!  She landed with a “bumphf!” and then lay there sort of rolling from side to side with her little arms and legs waving and kicking frantically, trying to turn her over.

I am not proud of what happened next.  I am still tortured by the scene in my darkest nightmares.  All I can say in my defense is that sometimes the logical side of your brain stops working; the red bloodlust comes over you, and you cannot stop your body from moving…almost like it’s on auto-pilot.  Seeing my date laying there, completely defenseless and struggling to get up, should have made me feel sympathy.  Instead, I went for the knock-out punch.  I charged across the ring, leapt up into the air, and sumo-squashed her into the mat.

The padding from our suits collided and compacted for a moment before re-expanding and flinging me back up.  I flew off to one side and landed on my back with a “bumphf!” and then lay there sort of rolling from side to side with my arms and legs waving and kicking frantically, trying to turn over.  But I suddenly stopped, and a look of horror came over me, as I looked up into the vengeful eyes and wicked smile of my prom date, standing over me.  Apparently, the momentum of our collision was the impetus she needed to roll her the rest of the way over, and she was able to finally push herself back up into a standing position.

A panic came over me, and I began to struggle with renewed vigor, as she slowly back-waddled her way across the ring.  The next thing I saw was KE suspended in the air above me, little arms and legs sticking straight out spread-eagle.  It was like time went in slow motion, as I watched her sumo suit-covered form descending toward me.  The entire time, she was grinning from ear to ear at the retribution that was coming.  At that moment, there was no love in her eyes, only the bloodlust. 

The impact knocked the air out of me, and the weight of the suits and her body were crushing me, until a moment later, she was flung ungracefully off of me back onto the mat.  I looked over at her grinning face, and I couldn’t help but smile.  Karma may be a bugger, but it sure can be fun too.  Best after-prom ever!

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