Do as I Say...

Tonight, I was attempting to explain to my son the importance of stretching before doing strenuous activity, like doing martial arts. So, I stretched it out and then performed a high kick toward the wall. Followed immediately by my pulling my groin muscle. I collapsed to the floor in an extreme amount of pain before crawling downstairs. I pumped some ibuprofen and applied an Icy Hot pad to the area to help relax the muscle. About three seconds later, I realized the first of my two mistakes.

You should be very careful applying lidocaine, a numbing agent that feels like it’s burning your skin with a cold fire. The Icy Hot pad accidentally brushed against the side of my right testicle. The pain was excruciating. Infinitely worse than pulling my groin muscle. I thought I was going to die! And no amount of washing and scrubbing the area would make it stop burning. And those stupid pads last about eight hours, so needless to say I was miserable all night and barely slept.

In the morning, I realized my second mistake. My testicle was finally getting feeling again, so I decided to take a shower. I went to pull the Icy Hot pad off my inner thigh and ended up ripping off all of the hair on my leg with it. I can only imagine that this must be what a bikini wax must feel like. It was like that scene in The 40-Year Old Virgin, where he’s getting his chest waxed. The lady rips off one strip, and Steve Carrell is in so much pain that he refuses to do any more. He’s standing there with one odd rectangle of hair missing from his chest. I had a similar rectangular patch of missing hair, which was quickly turning red and irritated. I let out a silent scream of pain before running into the shower and the soothing warm water coming out of it.

So, in an attempt to teach my son about being safe while exercising, I pulled my groin muscle, set my testicle on fire, and ripped the hair out of one of the most sensitive areas of my body. And after all of that, I’m not even sure he got the message.