The New Mattress

We bought a new mattress last week. We finally broke down and ventured into the world of memory foam. The salesman assured us that due to the nature of the bed that not only would we not feel movement transfer through the bed, but that since we would be so perfectly supported that we probably wouldn’t move at all during the night. He told us that the bed actually has cooling vents that transfer heat out the sides of the bed while you sleep. And that since the mattress conforms to your body that it doesn’t matter if you and your partner like varying levels of firmness.

Now, a few things the salesman forgot to mention that could NOT be solved by this wonder of technology! This bed will NOT keep your partner from continuing to hog more than her side of the bed. (The use of the word “her” here is for example purposes only and in no way reflects this particular problem as a shortcoming of my wife. Now that she has left the room, I will continue.)

This bed will NOT keep your partner from stealing the covers off of you and rolling herself up in them like a burrito, leaving you cold and shivering, your exposed skin pelted by the frigid air as your stiff and convulsing body hangs precariously off the side of the bed. (See above for why convulsing body is hanging off the side of the bed.) However, it WILL suck the few remaining drops of heat from your body and transfer them out the cooling vents on the sides of the bed. (My wife adamantly is opposed to my insinuation that she rolls up in the covers like a burrito. She was not pacified by my analogies to an enchilada or an egg roll either. I then had to assure her that the use of the female here was once again for example purposes only and in no way reflects this particular problem as a shortcoming of my wife.)

This bed will NOT keep your partner from snoring loudly and unrhythmically in your ear. But it WILL keep her from flipping over to snore the other way, since she is so perfectly supported that she won’t move at all during the night. It WILL also keep you from being able to wake her up by bouncing a few times on the bed, since the nature of the bed won’t transfer motion across it. (Again the indication of the female personage is for example purposes only and in no way reflects this particular problem as a shortcoming of my wife. Geez! I wish she’d stop coming in here. She acts as if I’d spin this situation in my favor or something, instead of telling the facts exactly like they are.)

In short, no matter how wonderful your mattress is, it can’t solve all the problems you are likely to encounter throughout the night.