Tearing Hearts

Two days ago, I returned to my martial arts class after an almost two-week absence. I’d been dealing with multiple viruses that had kept me physically unable to perform the exercises. Needless to say, I was very excited to finally be back at it. I had missed it. But that joy was short-lived. Less than thirty minutes in, during my first sparring match, I was trying to execute a kick when my opponent shifted to my left. I twisted to follow his movement, still perched on my right leg, when all of a sudden I felt a pop in my right knee. It felt like the bones slid out and back into the socket. The pain was excruciating. I crumpled to the floor in agony.

I was finally able to see my orthopedic doctor today, and the news wasn’t encouraging. I’m still pending an MRI, but he believes that I tore my ACL. If so, I’ll require surgery, and I’ll be out of martial arts for 7-9 months. I think that news more than anything was the hardest to hear. I understand the injury, and I’m willing to put in the work to get through it. But to have the thing taken away that I love so much is devastating. I’m sad beyond consoling. I cried all the way back from the doctor’s office.

And this always happens to me. I find something that I enjoy, and I get injured. And then I find it hard to get back into it again later. The same thing happened with yoga. But it’s even more so with martial arts. I desperately needed to find something that I could do just for me…something to bring me joy. And I have never taken to something so much or been so good at it. And now, to have it ripped away from me, it leaves me wondering why? And it’s even worse, because it was something that I shared with my son. And now, I don’t have that either. And what’s left in its place? Nine months of pain, difficulty, and stress. Not a fair trade-off.

But the saddest part is that people don’t seem to understand how traumatic this is for me. They’re focused on the recovery from the injury, or they’re making jokes about my son getting ahead of me with his belt colors. But their remarks are off the mark and insensitive. This was one of the few things that I looked forward to every week, and now my life will go back to having no joy. The thing that I loved doing is gone for a very long period of time. And I wonder…have they ever had something that they loved doing that much taken away from them? Have they felt my loss and the emptiness left behind?