Lunch with Friends

I was at lunch today with some friends. One of the guys had on a shirt that said “Athletic Supporter” on it. It was supposed to indicate that he had supported the athletics program either with his time or with his money. I just had to laugh at the dual meaning it could have.

We got to talking at lunch about watching movies at the theater for the “big screen” effect and the awesome sound system. One of the guys at the table piped up and started bragging about his twelve speaker, theater quality, surround sound system at his house. He said it would blow your hair back. Then he said that he just wished he had a better television. Come to find out he has the system hooked up to a dinky, 10-inch TV. So much for bragging rights.

The Lady in My Picture Frame

I have several pictures of my wife on my desk at the office. C.D. commented that there were none of my wife and I together. She said that it almost looked like I was just stalking this innocent lady. I told her that I really didn’t know who the lady was. I just kept buying these frames with the same model in them because I thought she was pretty.

Old Downtown Bryan

I took a walk through old downtown Bryan yesterday. I didn’t have anything especially to do at lunch and it was a beautiful day outside. So, I got a portable sandwich and set off on my trek. They are currently in the process of revitalizing old downtown, but the old, quaint feel of the buildings and surroundings is still prevalent. There are such a myriad of little shops lined along the streets from furniture places to restaurants to art galleries to guitar shops. Each shop is different. Each has its own feel. In all the years I have been in this area I have never taken the time to just admire the beauty of old downtown Bryan.

One of My Greatest Accomplishments

One of my greatest accomplishments was finding and marrying my wife. Being her husband has taught me responsibility, patience, love, planning and organization, and how to consider and care for another person's feelings.

Of course it has also made me fatter, forced me to grow up, and reduced my ability to decide on places to eat out as well.

Colliding Birds

C.D. was telling me that she and her husband agree on just about everything. I told her that she is the prime example of “birds of a feather flock together.” But that doesn’t apply to my wife and me. No, we are the prime example of “opposites attract.”

About the only thing we can really agree on is that Rocky Road ice cream is good.

What Turns on My Nose

It is Spring and there are a million things blooming…a million scents in the air. So it only seems natural that I would start thinking about scents I like and scents I don’t. I decided to grace you with a list of scents I like.

1. Baking cookies
2. Laundry right out of the dryer
3. Potpourried carpets
4. The smell of the air near the sea
5. Fresh cut cedar
6. Fresh baked bread
7. Cooking hamburgers
8. Willow trees
9. Sweat and perfume
10. Shampooed hair when someone tosses their hair
11. Leather
12. The smell of the air during or right after a lightning storm
13. Matches right after they are blown out
14. Bacon
15. Cinnamon buns

I would be curious to know what turns on other people’s olfactory mechanisms. So, post a comment and share what scents you like.

Oscar the Tempermental Server

I was fascinated today to learn that our servers up here at work have a theme. Apparently we are sporting the solar system theme. We have machines with names like MARS or EARTH. It is funny to me how people interject organization and groupings onto totally unrelated things. What does the solar system have to do with a computer network?

How fascinating it would be to have a computer network with names from Sesame Street or X-Men.

“Error: Cookie Monster has detected that your computer has cookies disabled. Please enable cookies on your machine to log onto Cookie Monster.”

“Error: Bert is currently not responding. Consequently, Ernie isn’t either.”

“Error: Wolverine is down at the moment, undergoing repairs on his endoskeleton. Connection should resume momentarily.”

“Error: Storm is a little under the weather today, so connection might be splotchy.”

James Bond and the Two-Way Mirror

C.D. was telling me about this friend of hers that refused to try on clothes in public changing rooms because he was convinced that the mirrors in them were actually double-sided mirrors. He was sure that there were cameras on the other side taking his picture and selling it on the black market or posting it on the Internet in China. As I pondered this thought I realized that I would have had a totally different reaction to this information. I would be strutting my stuff in there, flexing and posing, making funny faces, giving the audience the best show I could. I might even bust out with a few impressions or accents or pick-up lines.

I can see the person running the interrogation-and-third-degree counter at the front of the changing rooms getting worried and calling in the fire department because I had been in there for hours. Then the fire department breaks down the door only to find me standing in my underwear, flexing my muscles, and offering in my best British accent to buy myself a drink.

Barrel-Rolls and Flying Dogs

Yesterday I went jogging in the park. I came across a dog named Ginger who was frolicking around in circles just chasing imaginary creatures and enjoying the sunshine. Suddenly she thrust all four feet to the side and rolled over on her back. Then she proceeded to scratch her back in that twisting squirming manner, feet straight up in the air, in which dogs seem so able and happy to find themselves. Unfortunately Ginger’s violent scratching got her too close to the edge of a hill and she ended up barrel-rolling all the way down it just like we used to do when we were kids. When she got to the bottom she flipped back over on her feet, a huge smile playing across her face, raced to the top of the hill, and proceeded to roll down the hill again. I guess little kids aren’t the only ones that enjoy a good barrel-roll.

I then rounded the curve and was passed by two girls jogging with their miniature dachshund. He was doing his best to stay up with them, moving his feet so fast that it almost seemed like every other step was actually missing the pavement. His ears were blown back flat against his head and his tongue was flapping out to the side like a flag. It is unfortunate that despite all these efforts that he was, in fact, covering very little ground.

The Art of a Programmer

It is sad to watch people using my programs and viewing them merely as utilities to accomplish a task. In the basest, most grotesque way I suppose that is really what they are, but to me they are works of art. I see and appreciate the hours of sweat and tears that went into creating this something out of nothing. I marvel at the layer after layer of “paint” that harmonize and co-exist so that this “piece” comes together in perfect flow. I see the living, breathing beast that lurks behind the scenes slaving away to make the user’s life that much easier. I know every letter, every nuance, every dark and forgotten corner of the program. And when they get sick, I know exactly how to fix them so they get all better. I am not God, and I will never know what it feels like to control the power of creation. The closest I could ever get is watching one of my programs come to life and feeling the pride and joy of knowing that I created it. It is at those moments that I marvel at the skills that God has placed in my hands. Too often I take them for granted, shrugging off the gifts as nothing all that special. But when it all comes together in that one almost-perfect masterpiece, I realize how beautiful and wondrous those skills and the process really are. I see the fruit of my labors, little works of art, not just a utility to accomplish a task.

The Life of a Programmer

I am sitting here staring at the screen watching my program, which takes a combined time of 20 minutes to run, get all the way to the 18th minute before it decides to crash. I robotically try to decipher the error message, which becomes increasingly more difficult when the computer starts getting an attitude and spits out messages like "You screwed it up again, IDIOT! Failure at Module: 42342413442343143432413463452345# Now try to figure out what that means, Genius!" But I am a programmer and I don't know the meaning of the word defeat. So, I change some small thing like a semi-colon or comma, and decide that surely that was enough to throw off Module: 42342413442343143432413463452345#, and I start it up for another test run. Invariably, 18 minutes later I am greeted by another warm, encouraging message from my computer like, "Please don't breed, with you in the world we are already over our quota for morons. Failure at code line 3.825. Muah, Ha, Ha, Ha [Best Demonic Laugh]!" However, never deterred and never once pondering why I decided to become a programmer in the first place, I press on. I decide to make a big change this time and attack a period or maybe a question mark. I then confidently sit back, grinning from ear to ear, and run another test...slightly smirking at having bested this infernal machine. This time it DOES NOT stop at minute 18...nor does it stop at minute 20, or even minute 75. Actually, I lost track of time when I fell over asleep onto my keyboard, it was the spark created by my drool hitting the power source of the keyboard that jarred me awake. Apparently, I have an infinite loop now...which requires me to manually stop the program...but at least the computer doesn't get the last word this time. I spend the next hour and a half fading in and out of consciousness as I try to read over the 2.7 million lines of code that make up this program, making corrections here and there, but ultimately deciding that I have had enough and thinking that nobody will really notice the remaining issues if I throw in some dazzling graphics. So, here I sit again watching the program attempt to get through another test run. Did you know that if you put your finger tips together while keeping your hands as far apart as possible, and put your thumbs up to your nose while looking through the space made by your pinky and ring finger, that it feels like you are viewing the world down a tree lined street? Five minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, and 20 minutes later, SUCCESS! Just as long as nobody expects those numbers to add up exactly.

I'm With Stupid

You know some days I am really tempted to go back to school and get my Master’s degree. My brilliant wife is really starting to show me up. I can’t use my measly bachelor’s degree to compete with her bachelor’s, two masters, and soon-to-be PhD. I am really getting tired of everyone thinking I am the stupid one because she looks better on paper. They all give her that sympathetic look, you know the one where they are proud of her taking pity on the less fortunate and bringing herself down to my level so I wouldn’t live my life alone as a pathetic loser. I tried a couple of times to win support for my smartiness, but the “I was the valedictorian of my eighth grade class” card sort of loses its “awe effect” in about the first two minutes following eighth grade graduation.

A Half Eaten Basket of Stale Chips

I was sitting in a restaurant and thinking how funny it would be if you took the dishes from a restaurant, put them in a to-go box, and gave them to someone for a wedding gift. You could get them all kinds of stuff: silverware, dip bowls, chip baskets, dinner platters, glasses, bread baskets, cutting boards, etc. I guess the only thing that really would be more tacky than that is if you didn’t wash them before you gave them to them. “What the heck is this…a half eaten basket of stale chips and a bowl full of hardened cheese dip?”

Insatiable Curiosity

When most people talk or communicate they do so of specific things or happenings in their lives. They talk of work or people. Not too many just talk about random and untraceable thought patterns. Pondering things like stupid clichés in the English language or patterns in human nature. Why is that? Why do we get so caught up in our lives and stop asking "Why?" Little kids are amazing because they are so curious. They have this insatiable curiosity that leads them to constantly explore the world around them. But as they grow up they lose that quality and slowly fall into a rut. Everyone ought to have something in their lives that fills them with insatiable curiosity. Something that they can never get enough of. What fills you with an insatiable curiosity?

For me it is reading books...I can never read enough or fast enough to satisfy myself. There are never enough books as I pour through them like water. I love to depart this world for a while and enter into a realm of fantasy or mystery or romance or horror. To be an observer of someone else's life. To know more than the character, shouting at them to let them in on the info., and then sighing in frustration when time and time again they ignore my warnings. The stories allow you to view and experience your own reality in a whole new way. You can't help but look at the world differently. Sometimes I find myself reading two or three books at the same time...and I still can't get enough.

The Spit Bubble Violation

I spit on myself today. I was just sitting at my desk and it flew out. I was so appalled that I just sat there staring my hand in total disbelief. I am not exactly sure how or why it happened, but it was gross nonetheless. I finally pulled myself together and wiped that small insignificant bubble off my hand, but the damage was done. I felt so violated. I felt so unloved and disrespected. That someone could treat me with such a lack of humanity. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for making me feel this way.

The Struggling Millionaires

Do you remember when a million dollars was a lot of money? Do you remember when there were relatively few millionaires in the world? Now we have lots of billionaires walking around, and an average annual salary of $100,000 or more is not even so uncommon. Prices are on the rise along with our salaries, so we really aren’t any better off. Isn’t it funny to think that one day we might all be making a million dollars a year and still be struggling to pay the bills each month?

Negative Motivation

I am sitting at work today, and I have negative motivation to actually do my job. I know that most people have zero motivation when they don’t feel like doing things, but I pretty much have less than that. In fact I have so little motivation that I am actually considering undoing some of the things I did yesterday.

On Call...24/7

My wife called me for “tech support” today. Seems she was trying to install her scanner on her new laptop and the software she had was out-of-date. So as usual I have to try to fix the problem 900 miles away over the phone. I am used to it by now, because I get these kinds of calls all the time. Most times I can work my way through it, but usually it is a frustrating process.

I think it is funny that people always call me with tech questions like that. I usually can’t call them for anything. I can’t exactly call my wife up and say, “Hey dear, I am having this genetic problem. Do you think you can help me with it over the phone?” I am sure she would just tell me I was born with it and there is nothing anyone can do for me.

Miserable Bliss

Have you ever heard the term “miserable bliss?” It is usually what I say to describe how I feel right after Thanksgiving dinner, or after eating my wife’s cooking, or after having dessert anyway even though I was full after the meal. It is what usually comes right before that usual pose of unbuttoning the pants, getting into the most horizontal position you can, rubbing your belly, and groaning. And yet as miserable as you feel it was still an extreme delight to get to that point. Given the chance to do it all again you probably would still gorge yourself and end up in the exact position you find yourself in now. That is miserable bliss.

Only Hers...

I went to get coffee with I.S. and B.M. today. I.S. was telling us about this boss he had who was 32 but still had a thing for college age girls. B.M. laughed and said, "Don't we all." It was a total guy moment. Men trying to put on airs with other men to throw their testosterone around. So, I piped up and said that I have a thing for college ladies, especially those in grad school at the University of Missouri. B.M. just rolled his eyes and said, "yeah, yeah." For those of you that don't know it my wife is a grad student at the University of Missouri.

I don't need to put on airs, I love my wife. I don't want other women. I guess my macho level just flat-lined, but I don't care. Even if I don't mean it, it is a betrayal to say it. I want her to know I am faithful, and I want everyone else to know it too. I love being only hers.

Cell Phones Are For Kids

I really hate call waiting on my cell phone. I call someone and end up getting their voice mail. While I am leaving an obnoxious message about getting their voice mail, they end up calling me back. So, now I have to hang up with the voice mail and answer the other line, but the button to accomplish this task is the same button in both instances. So, I hit the hang up/answer button and end up hanging up both calls! Then we go into the annoying “User is Busy” loop as I try to call the person back and they try to call me back at the same time.

Today I think I even managed to hang up on myself. I am pretty sure that both calls were still active, but I disconnected from myself. A little voice came on the line telling me that the person at my own phone number was unavailable due to the fact that he hung up on himself, and that I should wait a while to try again…preferably when I learn to actually use the cell phone properly. Needless to say that I was not boasting a lot of self-confidence after this message. I would say that the message in and of itself was degrading enough without the added “MORON” yelled at the end of it.

There Are Signs Everywhere

I came into work today and was overcome by the sense of something different. I think the human mind is fascinating in that respect. We get so complacent in our routines that we fail to notice repeated things on a daily basis, but as soon as one of those things is taken away our mind is a whirlwind of thought. Something was different and although I couldn’t say with exact certainty what it was, I knew something had changed. The other amazing thing is that it totally messed me up. I couldn’t function. Even now after I have finally figured out what it was I am still feeling the affects fading all too slowly.

Across the parking lot from us is a church. The church had signs situated along certain parking spaces that said, “These Spots Reserved on Sunday for Our Less Mobile Senior Members.” I park in front of these signs everyday, but today they are gone. True, the church is actually abandoned, having moved their congregation to another location, but still. The least they could have done was consult me so that I could have had time to prepare my mind and thus bypass the affects caused by having my world suddenly turned upside-down.

I Smell Like Pancakes

I used to tell people that I smelled like certain foods. It would go something like, “I smell like tacos today” or “I smell like pizza tonight.” I didn’t mean that I ACTUALLY had some odor of food that was pervading from my body. It wasn’t even some foodinal aroma attached to my clothes. It was my way of telling them what I felt like eating. When faced with indecision, sometimes I could smell things on the wind and it would inspire me. So, I guess you could say that “I smell like pancakes for breakfast” was just a shortened form of “I smell pancakes and that sounds good for breakfast.” I don’t know what made me think to write that today. I think it was when a colleague asked me what I felt like for lunch and I thought about saying, “I smell like Mexican food today.”

If I had Jedi Powers...

The topic of today’s entry is what would you do with Jedi powers? I mean we see the Jedi in the movies using their powers at moments of great need, but what do they do with them on a daily basis. So, I thought about what I could do with my powers in my day-to-day life.

I could use the force to bring things to me so I don’t have to get up, like getting the remote control from across the room when I leave it over there. I could use it to allow me to drink my water or eat my snacks without having to stop typing at my computer. I could use it to type at my computer, so I could just sit and drink my water or eat my snacks. I could sit in the park and produce sudden gusts of “wind” to throw the birds off when they are flying. I could move cars out of the way when I get stuck in traffic in the morning.

I could use Jedi mind tricks to convince my boss to give me a promotion. I could use them at Thanksgiving to convince my brother that he doesn’t really want the last piece of pumpkin pie. I could use them on salespeople to get them to stop feeding me crap when I want to buy something. I could use them to convince my wife that she really doesn’t want to buy another purse after all.

I could use the power of Empathy to finally know what my wife is really thinking and feeling. I could use it to understand what people are going through when something terrible happens, so I know best how to comfort them.

I could use Force Stealth to render myself invisible, and well…maybe we shouldn’t delve too deeply into what I could do if I was invisible. Maybe you should just use your imagination.

So what would you do?