The Buzz Lightyear Clause

Today, I am adding an update to the previous post. As I stated in that post, my wife and I have very competitive natures. This being the case, of course neither of us likes to lose. I, personally, am a very bad loser. I also stated in that post that her record started to improve. So, it became necessary to change the rules a bit to give myself an advantage in cases where she might get lucky and beat me. This gave rise to the “Buzz Lightyear Clause.”

Buzz Lightyear was the wildly popular character from the hit movie Toy Story. His most popular phrase was of course, “To Infinity and Beyond!” Can you see where this is going already? So, in those rare instances where my wife might beat me to saying “I love you more infinity,” I would counter with “I love you more infinity and beyond.”

The first time I said this she was sitting there grinning from ear to ear with satisfaction at her victory in the game. When I said it, the smile slipped from her face and she said, “You can’t do that. That’s cheating.” To which I calmly replied, “It’s the Buzz Lightyear Clause.” This bit of wit made her laugh, and the clause has become a permanent fixture to the game.

In actuality the game has sort of turned into parallel games. The first being who can say “I love you more infinity” and the second who can say “I love you more infinity and beyond.” Thus it might actually be possible for each of us to win. This lucky stroke of genius served to both fuel our dual competitive natures and allow us both to walk away winners. Which only served to make the game all that more fun.

I Love You More Infinity

Most every couple has some cutesy thing that is just between them. Something that makes their relationship special. It might be a look, like squinting your eyes at your partner in a manner of “sizing them up.” It might be a gesture, like high-fiving when one or the other of you does something awesome. Or it might be a word or phrase that is reserved only for the other person.

It is the last one that I am going to talk about today. My wife and I have many, many things that define the specialness of our relationship, in fact, we do all of the above mentioned and more. But I think we would both agree that the one thing that is most special to our hearts is our use of the phrase, “I love you more infinity.”

Due to both of us having a highly competitive nature, it quickly became apparent that saying “I love you” wouldn’t be enough for us. Invariably, one of us would say it and the other one would say, “I love you more.” This of course would spark off a long debate over who in actuality loved who more, leading to comparisons of arm length, heart size (based on the size of your fist of course), who was taller, whose stride was longer, and several other seemingly trivial things that love could be gauged on.

Thus, the end-all phrase of “I love you more infinity” was adopted. Because everyone knows that since infinity has no bounds, that if you love someone infinitely, then of course you love them more than they could possibly love you. But we managed to even turn this into a competition, so that every day it would be a game to see who could say the phrase first! And thus you would be “king” or “queen” for the day.

We even devised rules of fair play for the game:

1.) The words must be said in their entirety and in the exact order stated above. Missing a word or switching them around was cause for discounting your claim.
2.) The game would reset each day at midnight, thus giving everyone a chance to claim a whole day of loving the other more.
3.) The phrase could be said in other languages granted it was said in its entirety and in the correct order.
4.) The words could be written or spoken, using any medium available.
5.) Any disputes as to who won a tie would of course be deferred to the King of the Family for ruling.

The game brought out my more crafty side, and I devised highly imaginative schemes to get her first. I used to get up before her, and after my shower I would wake her up with the words. Then I started with the post-it notes. I would leave them in places that she would see them, like the bathroom mirror, the coffee pot, or in her shoe. Sometimes we would start to say it at the same time, and it became simply a game of who could actually say the words faster.

After she left for Missouri, it became necessary for me to get even more devious and dirty. I would call her 1 minute after midnight and wake her up to tell her. I would call while she was in the shower and leave a message on her answering machine with the time I called (just in case she tried to dispute the authenticity). And sometimes I would send her e-mails or IMs when I got to work, so they would be waiting for her when she turned on the computer.

Now, I must brag a bit here. At a point about 2 and a half years into our marriage, I announced that I was going to quit playing the game. When she asked me why, I replied that it didn’t seem quite fair since I was winning by a score of 876-2. (Her 2 wins only coming, because I was forced under threat of bodily harm to let her “love me more” on my birthday.)

At some point I did continue playing again, and it has been a heated competition ever since. I suppose I should admit at this point that my wife’s record has improved a bit, but I still hold a sizable lead over her!

So, what kind of cutesy things did or do you have in your relationships?

The Lowrider Cafe

Some friends and I were having lunch today, and we started discussing some interesting things you could do with a restaurant. We finally decided on an idea for a cafe. We would call it "The Lowrider Cafe."

The whole place would be decked out like a vintage 1960s Impala lowrider. We would have white leather padded chairs and booths. Each booth would be fully equipped with hydraulics, so that they would actually tilt and raise and lower. The tables would be painted all sorts of bright metallic colors, like lime green, dark gold, cotton candy pink, and cherry red. We could have "Lazy Susan" on each one that were actually made out of "Spinners." The silverware and edges of the table would be chromed. And the plates would look like classic wire hub caps. We could even have a gift shop that sold things like fuzzy dice, white undershirts, and headband bandannas.

It may never happen, but it was definitely fun to think about!

With Underwear on My Head

When I was in high school, I would take showers at night, and as is usually the way with life I would start to head to the shower and then things would come up to distract me. People would want to talk. I would need to do something. I would think of something and want to do it before I forgot. Well, I would be carrying my underwear around, since I was originally on the way to the shower, and I didn’t want to lay them down somewhere because I might forget where I put them. So, I started putting them on my head. Frees up the hands, and you can always find them again.

This, of course, caused quite a stir in the house, seeing me walking around with my whitey-tighties on my head. The crotch flying out in the back like a cape as I raced through the room. Tufts of brown hair sticking through the leg holes. Someone even commented once that I looked like a pharaoh. Of course, that was back in the day when my waist and my head were the same size. If I tried that now, my underwear would just droop down over my face.

Certain-Footed Socks

Are there right socks and left socks? Do socks have a specific foot like shoes do, or are they simply a uni-foot sock?

When I was in high school, I would actually complain if my socks were folded incorrectly in the laundry. I don't know why it suddenly became a big deal, but it bothered me. I was convinced that they belonged on a certain foot and left socks should always be folded with right socks. I think it was because my big toes had made an imprint in the socks and gave it the appearance of a certain-footed sock.

Now my socks have big toe prints on both sides. I intentionally wear them that way so that they stay uni-footed socks. Everything changed when I had to do my own laundry. Now I don't want to have to worry about which foot is which. I just grab two that look similar and roll with it!

The White Man's Overbite

I was recently introduced to a phenomenon known as "The White Man's Overbite." I personally thought C.K. was making this up when she first told me, but having done some research about it on the Internet and found a quite large response, I have since had to acknowledge that this is in fact a well-known phenomenon.

For those of you in the dark about it, as I was, it is basically...how should I say it...a dance "style." I put that in quotes, because it is not really a style so much as a butchered copy of an actual style of dance. As you can probably tell from the name, it was first seen or is at least most often done by white people. It is an attempt to capture the seemingly natural rhythm and movement that black people express when they are bumping and grinding on the dance floor. However, most white people's movements are stilted and choppy, and the attempt looks completely unnatural. To top it off they are concentrating so hard on getting it right that they often will bite their bottom lip with their top teeth, forming what looks like an overbite.

So, now that I have taken the time to actually mention this on my blog, maybe C.K. will be happy and start reading it again. And maybe the rest of you will be more apt to recognize this when you see it in the future.

Messed Up Sleep Cycle

You know I find it really irritating that I can go to bed exhausted, toss and turn all night, and then wake up exhausted the next day. How can you go to bed tired and not be able to sleep? Surely your body and mind are aware of the situation and should be working toward the common goal of getting enough rest.

What irritates me even more is when you toss and turn all night, and then suddenly fall into a deep and peaceful sleep about an hour before the alarm goes off. Then you actually wake up more tired than you were when you went to bed! You have to be thinking what was the point. What a waste of time. You could have stayed up all night and felt exactly the same way. Why did you waste 8 hours laying in the bed being unproductive?

Serving Cow

Why is it that if you say you are serving beef that it is no big deal, but if you say you are serving cow then it suddenly becomes personal? I mean other than people who don't eat meat, I'm sure it wouldn't bother anybody to agree to eat hamburgers or steaks. But who can honestly, with absolutely no emotions or reservations, agree to eat cow?! It is the same with another meat as well. We might have no problem with bacon or ham or pork, but pig?

I think the name of the animal somehow conjures a picture of a live animal. We can picture a cow standing in the field eating grass or a pig flopping around in the mud. Whereas, the products from the animal conjure...well, just products. We seem to simply ignore where the products came from and think that they just picked them off of a hamburger or bacon plant. Nobody was harmed...all is well in the world!

And yet there are meat products like chicken or fish or deer or buffalo that don't seem to have this same response on us. We can picture a chicken running around the yard or a fish dangling on a line, and think how good it would be in a cream of mushroom or lemon sauce.

Why is that?

Drive-Thru Confessions

Do you know what the Catholic church needs? Drive-thru confessions. In today’s fast-paced world they really need a drive-through window that you can drive up to and confess your sins without ever leaving your car. You drive up, the priest slides back the window, you do your thing, he does his thing, he asks if you want to Supersize your forgiveness, and you drive off.

I don’t want to pick on Catholics, so maybe other churches could pick up on this idea as well. Maybe they could institute drive-thru communion or something. Maybe instead of drive-thru windows you could have something like Sonic, where you drive up and push a button. Then some minister (or whatever your religion calls them) on roller skates comes skating out to give you some bread and some wine (or grape juice, etc., depending on your religion).

Just think of how much faster we could be churning them out. And people might be more apt to do it if it is easy and convenient. Just think about it…

The Mysterious Hair

This morning I found a mysterious hair on my bar of soap. Normally, I wouldn’t find this disturbing, but this morning was different. Basically, the hair wasn’t mine. Not only was it longer than mine, but it was a different color as well.

I just stood there, staring at the hair and thinking to myself that now the soap was completely tainted. Even if I managed to get the hair off, how could I possibly use the soap now, knowing that some strange hair had been on it? Knowing that some strange hair had corrupted the very essence of the soap?!

I had to think quickly before I lost the soap for good. So, I grabbed the shampoo and poured some on the soap. After I got a good lather going, I scrubbed the soap vigorously and then rinsed it off…satisfied that the soap was now clean again. Then I started to think. Could soap really get dirty? I mean it’s soap…couldn’t it just clean itself? Would it really be possible for a single hair, no matter how dirty it is, to corrupt a whole bar of soap? And does cleaning soap with soap really make the soap more soap-like?

These are definitely questions to ponder…

Conversation Subtitles

You know sometimes it would be nice to have subtitles in life. Sometimes they could be subtitles to tell you what someone really means when they say something, like when they say one thing and mean another. And sometimes they could just be subtitles to tell you exactly what someone is saying, like in hard-to-hear environments. I suppose we would need some sort of control to adjust which one is active at different times.

Of course, knowing my luck I would probably end up with subtitles in another language. The setting would get stuck in Chinese or selective-listener-ese, and they would end up being completely useless to me. I would be right back to not understanding at all or only hearing half of everything that was said.

Yeah, that would be my luck.

Cleaning for the Maid

Why is it that some people feel the need to make the bed when they are staying at a hotel? Every morning they get up and straighten out the sheets and then cover them up with the bedspread. And every morning a maid comes into the room, rips the sheets off the bed and puts new ones on it. And even if she doesn’t put new sheets on the bed, she at least makes it for you. So, why do people feel the need to make the room look presentable for the maid?

It is like those people that have a cleaning lady come to the house, and they feel the need to straighten up and clean before she gets there. Why is that? I mean why bother hiring a cleaning lady if you are going to just do her job for her?

The Coconut Shoe

C.D. went to the store yesterday and stepped in some shampoo on one of the aisles. She said she managed to only get it on her right shoe, which made it kind of awkward to walk around the store. When she got home, she cleaned the shoe and noticed that it smelled like coconuts.

I am not overly fond of coconuts, so I think at this point I probably would have just thrown the right shoe out. But then what do you do with just one shoe? I suppose you could use it as a cup holder when you go out on a picnic. Maybe you could use it to plant a flower in. It would probably make a good paperweight or fly-swatter. Or maybe you could just start a new fashion trend and wear it with some other solo shoe.

Whatever you do with it has to be better than smelling like coconut!

Life as a Shrunken Head

I wonder what life would be like as a shrunken head. I mean of course you would still be alive, because otherwise this post would just be pointless. I figure that I’d end up as some mirror ornament in someone’s car. Swinging from a string, twirling around in circles. Completely lost because I can’t stay still long enough to figure out where we are.

I think it would be cool to talk to the driver too. Point out the obvious, like he missed his turn or he’s lost again. Maybe make fun of him or the music he listens to. I mean what could he possibly do to me…I’m already a shrunken head?

Of course there’s drawbacks. Like being bored for long periods of time. Or even the occasional sunburn on only one side of your head. And of course the obvious of banging your head repeatedly on the windshield every day. I suppose people really wouldn’t take you seriously as a shrunken head either. This could lead to awkward situations of having to endure gross or agonizing moments when you are alone with someone in the car.

But seriously…what would you do if you were a shrunken head?

The Feather

You know there are some bad choices of things to throw when you’re angry. Like packing foam, tape that keeps sticking to your fingers, or cooked spaghetti. But what has to be the most frustrating thing is a feather.

You can throw it as hard as you want and not only does it not go anywhere, but it just slowly, gently takes its time gliding to the ground. This can be awkward when you’re trying to make a point. I mean it’s hard to show you mean business when this carefree feather is messing up your big, dramatic moment.

Of course the flip side to it is it really doesn’t hurt much if you happen to get erratic with your throw and end up hitting yourself in the foot with it. SIDE NOTE: From personal experience with this particular situation happening, I would also not recommend you try to throw heavy objects either…like, say, I don’t know…a brick!

Lunchtime Person

Why is it that people always describe themselves as morning people or night people? Are there really only two kinds of people? What about the rest of us who are neither of those...where do we fall?

I think there should be another category. From now on I shall be known as a lunchtime person, because that is when I am fully alert. It takes me a while to get going in the mornings and I get tired early in the evenings. So, since I peak at lunchtime I think that should be the time of day I am associated with.

Of course, if you just throw in a few naps during the day, then I bet I could easily pass for either a baby or a geriatric! I guess every category has its drawbacks.