Underneath Your Clothes

I’m not fond of Shakira’s song, Underneath Your Clothes. I really think she used way too many lyrics. The concept is pretty plain and simple. “Underneath your clothes…you’re naked.”

What's the Point of Getting Up?

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother getting up in the morning. Then I realize it’s because the stupid alarm is going off.

A Southern Boy in the Cold - Part 2

It's official. I can’t drive in snow. I have had to drive in the snow twice now, and I’ve hit things both times. I hit some pretty deep patches of snow and went into a slide. The first time I hopped the curb and drove up into the yard right in front of my apartment. I had managed to drive all the way home down a vicious highway, avoiding morons intent on continuing to do 20 miles over the speed limit even in the treacherous conditions, without incident. Only to lose control as I’m pulling into a parking space by my building. Luckily, my wife was there to witness the disaster, which she is still laughing about to this day.

The second time I admit that I panicked when I lost control and did exactly what they always tell you NOT to do. I tried to correct the slide. It, of course, didn't work, and I ended up wiping out a series of reflectors set up along the side of the road. This wasn't a serious issue since the reflectors gave way pretty easily, having only been set up to warn you of the location of the curb. The curb on the other hand was more resistant. I hit the curb, and my car bounced backward, rolling a few feet before once more engaging in "Drive" and continuing forward. Luckily that curb was there or I might have looked stupid!

A Southern Boy in the Cold

It was so cold this morning; I thought we’d experienced another Ice Age! It was 4 degrees! I have never represented a temperature in a single digit. In fact the thermometer I brought with me to Missouri from Texas doesn’t even go that low. The Mercury kept sinking until it finally just disappeared. I don’t know where it went, but the thermometer is empty now. When I tried to start my car this morning, I swear it laughed at me. This, of course, is never encouraging when you are depending on this metal hyena for your source of warmth. I kid you not it was lunchtime before I could feel my ears again. I don’t care how much time passes, I will never get used to this!

The New Scale

I bought a new scale the other day because I was afraid my old one wasn’t accurate enough. It was pretty old, and it rounded everything to the nearest pound. I wanted something that gave me my weight in decimals, because one hundred and getting fat point five makes me feel so much better than just one hundred and already fat.

I have to say that technology is getting a bit too advanced though. The first time I stepped on my new scale it groaned. Yes, it actually groaned. Then a strained voice emanated from the square machine exclaiming, “What the heck…gasp…this scale is not rated for…gasp…this kind of abuse?!”

I took it back to the store the next day and told the lady it was defective.

People in Movies are Stupid - Part 2

Have you ever watched a movie where someone is stopped at a railroad track, waiting for the on-coming train, and someone drives up behind them and pushes them onto the tracks? Why is it that they always stomp on the brakes and throw the car into reverse? They, of course, never successfully manage to push the car behind them backwards before the train demolishes them into an unrecognizable heap. Did it ever occur to them to simply hit the gas and drive across the tracks?