The Library Card

Last weekend I got a library card. It was the first library card I’ve had in about 20 years. Now, I'm positively manic about reading. I am flying through books, reading an entire novel in 1 to 2 days. What is worse is that it wasn't satisfying enough to only read one book at a time, so I've got three going simultaneously! I'm reading stuff I never would have bought, but since it's free, why not. Audio, hardback, paperback. Fiction, non-fiction, young adult, mystery, romance. I read them all. This library card is a power I'm not sure I can control. It is starting to consume me. I have a thirst for knowledge that doesn't seem to get quenched. I can't get enough! I need help!

Didn't Learn a Single Thing

G.S. went to a get-out-of-debt seminar last weekend. The guru talked about the evils of having credit card debt and paying all those finance charges each month. When he was finished, the whole auditorium shuffled out to the front hall where there were several tables set up. Strewn about the tables were various pamphlets and books about the evils of debt and how to get away from them. G.S. decided to buy a book, promptly whipping out his credit card and handing it to the cashier to pay.

The Grease Stain Pattern

I reuse paper plates. I just wipe them off, put them back in the package, and use them the next time. I even use them when guests come over. I just hand them a plate, and they’re like, “What the heck is this…there’s a stain on it?”

I just reply, “That’s not a stain, it’s the pattern on the plate. It’s abstract. Art. I bought it that way. I think the actual name of the work of art depicted is called ‘Grease Stain.’”

“Well, why does this hamburger taste like lasagna?”

“Oh, that’s probably the spices we used on the burger. It’s that new Italian spice from McCormick’s.”