Holiday Decorations

I was sitting at work today, minding my own business, when a strange woman came to the wall near my cube and set up a ladder in front of it. For the next few minutes, she set about cleaning the wall. When that was done, she adhered a plastic hook to it. At which point, she promptly walked off with the ladder.

I sat there staring at that hook, wondering why anybody would just hang a plastic hook in the middle of a wall and then hang nothing on it. I turned it over and over in my head trying to determine what could possibly go on that hook. I was stumped.

About 20 minutes later an idea struck me. I immediately grabbed my coat off my desk, walked over to the hook, and hung my coat on it. With a satisfied nod, I went back to my desk and proceeded to work…the mystery having been solved.

Another 20 minutes passed when I heard someone behind me murmur, “Hmmm.” I turned around to see the same strange woman standing in front of the hook holding a large Christmas wreath and staring at my coat. She contemplated the situation for several minutes before setting the wreath on the floor and walking away. A strong urge compelled me to retrieve my coat, but a stronger urge compelled me to wonder what on earth she had gone to do.

A few minutes later, the strange woman returned with another woman, pointing at my coat in explanation. I watched both of them stand there in front of the hook staring at my coat. The second woman had an almost pained expression on her face as she stared hard at the coat, her brow scrunched in thought. She tapped her lips with the forefinger of her right hand.

Suddenly with a disgusted huff, she reached up and took my coat off the hook, threw it on the floor, and held out her hands in a “Ta-da” kind-of-way to express to the other woman that the problem was solved. She then stomped off down the hall, mumbling something under her breath.

The first woman stood there for a few minutes looking after the retreating woman. Then, she looked down at the coat on the floor and then back up to the hook. Then, back down to the coat and finally once again at the hook. Finally, she shrugged her shoulders, picked up the wreath, and hung it on the hook, turning and shifting to get it just right. Then with one more confused glance at my coat, she too retreated down the hall.

The Stupid Murder

There was a guy up here at work that was trying to kill his wife for insurance purposes. So, he invited her to lunch one day and then went up on the roof with a high-powered rifle.

When she got here to pick him up, she called him. He said, “Yeah, I see you. I’ll be down in a minute.” BANG! The bullet whizzed by her and embedded itself in the concrete. “Um, honey, can you move a little to the left. That’s it, right there where you see that hole in the concrete.” BANG!

As I've Gotten Older

I’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older, things that I never noticed before are now blatantly obvious. For instance, have you ever noticed how the “ball pit” at Chuck E. Cheese’s smells like feet?

Our Finances

I sat down last weekend to work out our finances to show my wife how much she was spending. I mapped out the increased spending versus the dwindling savings account balance, and I put it all in a pretty pie chart to emphasize my point.

I brought her in and explained what the fat and barely noticeable sections on the chart meant. With a smirk of triumph, because how could she argue with that, I looked over at her and asked her, “What do you have to say to that?”

She paused a moment and then pointed at the barely noticeable section that represented the bank account. She asked, “So, you’re saying that we have money left in the bank account to go shopping with?”

On Shaving...

One slip of the razor and suddenly you’re sporting a whole new facial do! That is why after several years of having a mustache, I suddenly find my lip naked and exposed. I nipped one side of it trying to shape it a little. I nipped the other side, trying to even it out. I took a little bit too much off, so I went back to the original side to once again even it out. Alas, the razor struck again!

When I finally got them even, I stood there looking in the mirror at a reflection of Adolph Hitler with a stylish goatee. I promptly shaved the rest off, and wisely decided that my goatee looked just fine. I mean who cares if half of it winds its way all the way up to your nostril while the other half doesn’t quite make it past the dimple in your chin?

Hooter's Embargo

I refuse to eat at Hooter’s anymore. Apparently, they have this un-written policy that if you are there with your parents or your wife that you aren’t worth getting the signature over-the-top service. I suppose that they feel awkward flirting with you for tips in front of your wife, but still! Why else would I go to Hooter’s? The food?

It got so bad that the last time I went with my wife, I actually got a male waiter! A man? Are you kidding me? What’s worse is that he was wearing the belly-showing shirt and bottom-of-your-butt-cheeks-hanging-out shorts!

I’m sorry, but that’s the last straw!

New Rule

I have a new rule. Never piss off someone who can look at the top of your head while standing next to you. You might be able to take them in a fight, but the odds are not in your favor.

The New Mattress

We bought a new mattress last week. We finally broke down and ventured into the world of memory foam. The salesman assured us that due to the nature of the bed that not only would we not feel movement transfer through the bed, but that since we would be so perfectly supported that we probably wouldn’t move at all during the night. He told us that the bed actually has cooling vents that transfer heat out the sides of the bed while you sleep. And that since the mattress conforms to your body that it doesn’t matter if you and your partner like varying levels of firmness.

Now, a few things the salesman forgot to mention that could NOT be solved by this wonder of technology! This bed will NOT keep your partner from continuing to hog more than her side of the bed. (The use of the word “her” here is for example purposes only and in no way reflects this particular problem as a shortcoming of my wife. Now that she has left the room, I will continue.)

This bed will NOT keep your partner from stealing the covers off of you and rolling herself up in them like a burrito, leaving you cold and shivering, your exposed skin pelted by the frigid air as your stiff and convulsing body hangs precariously off the side of the bed. (See above for why convulsing body is hanging off the side of the bed.) However, it WILL suck the few remaining drops of heat from your body and transfer them out the cooling vents on the sides of the bed. (My wife adamantly is opposed to my insinuation that she rolls up in the covers like a burrito. She was not pacified by my analogies to an enchilada or an egg roll either. I then had to assure her that the use of the female here was once again for example purposes only and in no way reflects this particular problem as a shortcoming of my wife.)

This bed will NOT keep your partner from snoring loudly and unrhythmically in your ear. But it WILL keep her from flipping over to snore the other way, since she is so perfectly supported that she won’t move at all during the night. It WILL also keep you from being able to wake her up by bouncing a few times on the bed, since the nature of the bed won’t transfer motion across it. (Again the indication of the female personage is for example purposes only and in no way reflects this particular problem as a shortcoming of my wife. Geez! I wish she’d stop coming in here. She acts as if I’d spin this situation in my favor or something, instead of telling the facts exactly like they are.)

In short, no matter how wonderful your mattress is, it can’t solve all the problems you are likely to encounter throughout the night.

Barbeque by Octopus

Last night we had some friends over for a barbeque. Since it is later in the year, the days have been growing darker now at earlier hours. So, I end up cooking in the dark, which can make it quite difficult to tell when the meat is actually ready. To compensate, my wife invented a new style of cooking called “barbequing by octopus.”

I should explain further about the octopus. We have this lamp that has these long, bendable tubes protruding from the main base. At the end of each tube is a light bulb. Since you can bend the tubes around at any angle you want, the lamp sort of resembles an octopus. Although it only has five arms, so technically it’s a pentapus. But that’s just semantics.

So, now when I barbeque, she plugs the octopus up outside so I can see. Wha-la! Barbequing by octopus has been invented!

Tie Your Recyclables

Tonight I was taking the trash and recyclables out, since tomorrow is pick-up day. As I was tying the bright blue recycling bag, I noticed some writing on the side of it. It reads, “Please double knot bag to protect recyclables.”

Protect recyclables? From what exactly? The big, bad nasty non-recyclables that will try to sneak in?

Evasive Maneuvers

The neighbors behind us just got a new puppy. She is a playful, active little ball of white fluff. Lexi, that’s her name, has made a new friend in the slightly older puppy next door. When I say older, I also mean much, much bigger.

As is typical with little puppies, they tend to pick on larger dogs in an attempt to get them to play with them. Coby, the much, much bigger puppy, happily complies and begins to chase Lexi across the yard. Coby has longer legs and within an instant can easily catch Lexi before she gets too far. However, Lexi has learned a move to avoid Coby, which I have termed an “evasive maneuver.” Just at the last minute before Coby is upon her, she does a rolling move that not only moves her to the side of the impending attack, but also somehow causes her to flip completely around and end up back on her feet. While Coby is still trying to process what happened, Lexi is already speeding back across the yard in the opposite direction.

It is a thing of beauty to watch, and confounds Coby every time. It gives new meaning to evasive maneuvers while “dog fighting.”