The Real Santa Clause

I’m not sure how I figured out there was no Santa Clause, but I suspect it was my brother that ruined that joy for me. He has had a habit of dispelling life’s mysteries for me; Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, sex.

Even though he claimed it was our parents putting presents around the tree under the pseudonym of Santa Clause, he could never stay awake to catch it happening. Year after year, he would attempt to stay up, and then mysteriously wake up tucked snuggly in his bed the next morning. I was determined to succeed where he had failed.

One Christmas Eve I found myself huddled on the couch in the den, flashlight in hand, waiting in the dark. I almost didn’t make it, but I managed to stay up long enough to see a shadowy figure come into the den...not from the chimney, but from the kitchen. I waited until the figure was halfway across the den before I switched on my flashlight. The figure immediately dropped to the floor in a limp pile behind the coffee table. I calmly stood up and shined my light at it, only to find my stepmother crouching on the floor.

“What are you doing down there?” I asked.
“Looking for my earring,” she replied.
“In the dark?”
“What’re you doing out of bed?” (Just like a parent to try to change the subject to something you are doing wrong to cover up something they aren’t supposed to be doing.)

As I drifted off to sleep, I could vaguely hear my stepmother telling my father, “Well, we have to change all the labels on the gifts now.” Santa Clause has never come to visit our house again since that fateful night.

Driving in Missouri

This morning I got flipped off for driving one mile over the speed limit. Welcome to the state of Missouri, where it is not merely enough to break the law…you must break it with gusto! The state were it is unacceptable to drive less than ten miles over the speed limit and where you are revered as a god of the roadways if you drive faster than that.

I suppose getting the finger really shouldn’t have surprised me, since I really wasn’t making any attempt to hurry past the guy I was passing so the guy behind me could speed down the road. But I figured a guy who was driving so close to my back bumper that his radiator was heating my car needed to learn a little lesson in patience.

You're Actually Smart? Huh!

S.M. told me that his friend, J.M., is actually quite smart. He said that this fact greatly surprised him.

I don’t think I ever want someone to describe me that way, that I’m smart and that surprised them.

Vaderphobia

I realized today that my fear of heights is ridiculous. Even my modified version that it isn’t so much the heights as the fall to earth that scares me. I realized that what I really have is a fear of the sudden stop at the other end.

This is actually justified by Physics. The Law of Inertia states that an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. It is that outside force that I am actually afraid of. Or in Star Wars terms I have a Vaderphobia…fear of the force.