Nudity and the Dream

I had a weird dream last night. Actually, it was just one in a series of bad dreams over the last several nights. In my dream, I was naked. I know that on the surface that doesn’t sound so bad, especially to my wife who knows my penchant for going “a la in the buff” pretty much every chance I get. But what made it bad was the fact that everyone else in the dream was clothed. Let’s take it a step further to say that not only were they clothed, but they were consciously aware of the fact that I was naked. Trust me, that situation is even awkward in a dream.

I tried all sorts of things to be more modest…the convenient placement of a hand or a crossed leg…but it’s hard to stay focused on the “story” of the dream when you’re constantly having to worry about the fact that people know you’re naked and are uncomfortable by it. I finally resorted to trying to “dream” myself some clothes, but as is usually the case with dreams, things did not turn out as planned.

My next appearance in my dream found me standing there with a fig leaf over the appropriate area like some early Renaissance statue. Technically, that should have sufficed to allow me to go on with the story, but then I became obsessed with figuring out how the leaf was staying on since there was no obvious attachment device. Not to mention the constant questions from the other members of my “dream cast” about why I was wearing a fig leaf instead of clothes, like everyone else.

Having one of these dreams would be bad enough, but to find the same problem night after night, as I dream my way through various adventures is just disconcerting. It’s also not easy to feel powerful and confident when people are constantly laughing at my underdeveloped arms and legs and my oversized belly. Aren’t you supposed to be anything you want to be in your dreams…a powerful superhero, a ladies man, rich and confident? Well, either something’s wrong or this is a sign from a higher power that I’m supposed to save the world single-handedly with nothing more than a fig leaf!

The Sadness of Light

A light went out in my cube. No, I don’t mean that metaphorically as an attempt to say that I lost my desire to do my job or anything. I mean that the actual light bulb over my cube went out. Well, to be more exact one of the three bulbs went out.

So, now I have this band of shadow, if you will, sandwiched in-between two bands of light. Every time I cross into that band of shadow now, I feel a momentary sadness cross over me. It’s as if the shadow sucks out my joy. Or maybe it’s the other way around, and it’s just the light that gives the joy.

It’s strange how light and colors can have so much affect on your emotions.

Memoirs of the Prom

I was sick right before my high school prom. I had the sinus crud the week before, and even though I was over that by my prom, I still managed to lose my voice because of it. This stunk for several reasons, such as my date barely being able to hear me over the music, since all I could do was whisper raspily into her ear. But I think what I regret most is that I was supposed to sing a duet with my best friend, C.W., and couldn’t.

The prom committee had rented a karaoke machine, and C.W. and I were going to try our luck (and make our public debut) singing “More Than Words” by Extreme. But the ill-timed voice loss destroyed any hopes I had of doing my part. C.W. was not to be deterred, though. She decided to sing a solo of the song, and dedicated it to her partner who had lost his voice and couldn’t join her.

I think that was the most beautiful rendition of that song that I have ever heard. The power and beauty of her voice was enough to move me to tears. Well, that and the fact that she looked at me the whole time. She was singing that song just for me. I felt all the love and sadness that she conveyed to me through the song. I will never forget that as long as I live.

The Pee

I hadda pee today. I sort of got stuck with it. I tried to trade it in for another letter, like a queue or an ex, but everyone was being stingy today. I got offered an eee from a guy that had five of them, but I declined. Everyone knows that a pee is worth more than an eee. Another guy offered me a number two for my pee, but I adamantly refused him. A pee is bad enough, a number two is just inconvenient. So, with no good offers on the table, I decided to just get rid of my pee and call it a wash.

Mysterious Texts

B.D.’s wife, M., texted him yesterday. The message simply said, “Having an emergency.” Forty minutes later, he received another message saying, “At the dealership.” Twenty minutes later, a third message followed asking, “Spend whatever it takes?”

When he finally called her back, he found out that the radiator on his car had essentially exploded. The mechanic at the dealership performed some other tests on the car, only to find out that the rear brake lights weren’t working either. When B.D. asked his wife about this, she said that it probably happened when she backed into that little old lady.

“Backed into a little old lady?!” he exclaimed.
“Yeah, when I busted up the bumper,” she said.
“You busted up the bumper?!” he exclaimed again.
“Well, I was trying to figure out why the front tire was shaking, and I wasn’t paying complete attention,” she replied.
“What’s wrong with the front tire?” he asked.
“The mechanic said the rotors are messed up or something.”
“What the #$%@ is actually working on the car then?” he asked, losing his patience completely.
“The radio’s fine.”
“Well, that’s something,” he replied, sarcastically.

Neuticles

I know I'm probably the last one on the face of the planet that has heard of these things, but I couldn't know about them and not comment in my blog. If by some strange chance you haven't heard of Neuticles, then let me inform you. Simply put, Neuticles are testicular implants for pets. They are supposed to allow your pet to retain his natural look, to aid in the trauma associated with neutering, and to bolster your pet's self esteem.

His self esteem? Is this really a problem that needs fixing? Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in dogs that have lost their "boys?"

After searching the Internet for some time on this topic, more in complete amazement than anything, I found dozens and dozens of articles from people who are greatly concerned with the fact that their pet will look less manly without his testicles. Should we be concerned with how much time people are spending looking at animal testicles?

If that wasn't enough, the website for Neuticles advertises implants that feel just like the real thing. Neither you nor your pet will notice the difference. I'm thinking we should definitely be concerned that people are feeling animal testicles. So much so that they would know what a "natural" one feels like. And how is it possible that a pet wouldn't notice the difference? One swipe of the tongue without the appropriate feedback from the lick site should clear that right up!

Okay, and now the icing on the cake. A direct quote from the Neuticles website:
"While canines and felines have been most popular, other pets have been Neuticled including prairie dogs, water buffalo, monkey's and even rats!"
http://www.neuticles.com/

Prairie dogs? Water buffalo? Are there a lot of these as pets?

I give the guy credit for being unique, but I have to shake my head at anyone who would actually waste money on this. As one blogger said, there are starving children all over the world, and people are wasting money on fake testicles for their pets. That is a sad commentary on our world.

Frogger Red Rover

In an effort to encourage team unity and teamwork, our company decided to institute a game day at work. The first game chosen for the event was "Frogger Red Rover." You might be familiar with Frogger and Red Rover, but you are probably wondering to yourself what on earth "Frogger Red Rover" could be. Simply put, it is an ingenious combination of both popular games.

At lunch one day, associates were divided up into two teams, one each on either side of Hwy 50 (the busiest highway in the city). The first team then chanted across the highway, "Red Rover, Red Rover, let J.L. come over!" J.L. then had to take off running across Hwy 50, attempting to dodge the constant stream of cars passing by. She was almost successful, making it to the very last lane before an unexpected car turned the corner and took her out three feet from the curb.

The director of our site was the first to her still body. He patted her hand, "J.L., J.L., are you okay?" J.L.just moaned, as blood bubbled from her lips. "Well," the director continued. "You need to get up out of the street. There's still four more hours left in the day."

Needless to say, I don't believe we will be continuing the tradition of "Frogger Red Rover." Nor will we be attempting any team unity games for a while. You will all be happy to know that as soon as J.L.was released from the emergency room, she was back at work. In an effort to congratulate J.L. on her extreme commitment to the job, our director had his assistant print off a generic certificate that was presented to J.L. in her cube quietly one afternoon. Her name was spelled wrong on the certificate.