Lost Cat

There's a sign posted in my neighborhood that says, "Lost Cat - Black with White Paws." At first I thought these people felt like I would have felt in that situation...jubilation and exhilaration. Then I read further and saw it say, "Reward Offered." I was confused by this, because it seemed that they actually wanted the thing back...instead if enjoying the freedom of a house without a worthless animal that messes with all my crap and only shows me attention when it wants something.

That must have been a mistake.

New Year...New Workout

Being as it’s a new year, I decided to start working out again. Me and the other one hundred enthusiasts who stupidly believe that this year they'll actually stick with their workout routine for more than 4-6 weeks.

Based on a doctor's advice, I decided to give the elliptical machine a try.  High reward and low impact sounded exactly like what I needed. I picked one of the preset programs, and off I went. 

The first three minutes or so were ok as my body got used to exercise again. Then the machine made a strange noise and suddenly walking (or ellipticalling?) was not coming so smoothly anymore. I realized that the strange noise was the machine going from level 1 to level 3. Determined to give this a fair go, I grunted it out and struggled along for another three minutes. At which point the machine made that horrible noise again and jumped to level 6.

That's when my body started protesting the torture I was inflicting on it. My thighs were burning...I could literally see smoke coming off my pants. My knees suddenly decided that bending side to side was easier than front to back.  My legs felt like burning jelly, knees going side to side, the motion of the machine going forward and back. At one point I lost my balance and was almost thrown violently from the death-inducing device.  I managed to grab the handle just in time.

That's when I saw the little buttons on the handle to adjust the level up or down. I frantically started pushing the down button, only to have the machine override my attempts and keep it at level 6...all the while the stupid display is screaming "Peddle Faster!"

I finally managed to push the Stop button and was violently thrown off the machine in a heap. It was at this point the machine started beeping again. As if to add insult to injury, the screen flashed, "Workout Summary...Below Average." I have no idea why people don't stick with a workout routine.

Headstone

I've often wondered what I'd like to put on my headstone. Loving Husband, Playful Father, Grouchy Grandfather. But none of those things seems to incorporate all that is me. There's something lacking, something missing.

Well today I believe I have finally managed to condense all that I am into three words. 

Pants Are Optional

Brilliant!

Homeless Greek Chickens

Devastation in Greece, as thousands of chickens suddenly find themselves homeless. The Greek government announced that it will start to consider chicken coups as a residential domicile, and will tax the square footage on the coups at the same rate as homes. In an effort to reduce taxes in a time when everything is being taxed to the limit to pay off national debt, many families in Greece are demolishing their chicken coups...leaving thousands of chickens wondering where they'll find a warm bed in the coming nights.

Complimentary Donuts

"Your complimentary coffee and donuts suck, but I'm eating them anyway because they're free. But it tastes like I'm consuming tar and stones."

- BD's feedback to Volkswagen while waiting for the service on his car.

The Flying V

I'm sure you've been outside at one time and seen (or heard) a skein of geese flying overhead.  Geese are cool, because they fly in a "V" pattern, which helps them conserve energy by reducing air resistance for the goose behind them. Each goose takes a turn at the front, falling to the end when they get too tired. In this way, they can actually fly for longer distances before needing a rest.

But their are speculations that the formation also aids in coordination and communication among the geese. What this means is that it's possible that each goose has a specific responsibility while in a particular place in the formation. Kind of like a rugby team. 

So, if you were a goose, then where would you be in the goose formation? 

Me, I'd want to be second. That way, I could encourage and motivate the leader. Of course, it's only fair to mention that I'd probably also be leading a coup to take the flock away while the leader wasn't looking.