Martinez the Rookie

When I was in Missouri, BD and I used to get together every Saturday, have lunch, and play video games.  I loved spending time with him, and I looked forward to it every week.  At one point, we were playing Madden's NFL Football, and we ended up drafting this quarterback out of college with the last name of Martinez.  BD loved playing with the guy and went on and on about how "Ace" he was.

A month or so later, we had Game Day at work, and someone suggested that we have a Wii Bowling tournament.  We played in teams, and BD and I decided to team up together.  When it came to choosing a name, it seemed like a no-brainer what it would be.  We ended up calling ourselves, "Martinez the Rookie."  We went on to win the tournament too!

Pillow Thief

While I was at my conference back in October, my wife decided to steal my pillows.  I came home to find them missing from their usual spot and located them nestled up on her side of the bed.  When I inquired about the alleged thievery that had taken place, she batted her eyelashes at me and simply said, “Baaabbbyyy, I was having trouble getting comfortable, and your pillow combination was perfect.  I have never slept so well.” 

Realizing that there was no way I could ask my pregnant wife for them back now, I asked, “Okay, and what am I supposed to do now?  I have no pillows.” 

She simply said, “There are some used ones in the closet, maybe you can get one of those.”

By “used” pillows, she means the broken-down-stuffing-has-been-equally-distributed-to-each-corner-of-the-pillow-no-longer-provides-any-support-whatsoever-probably-stinks-not-sure-why-we-even-kept-them pillows that have been banished to the top of the closet in cases of extreme emergencies.  And that is exactly where I now find myself…in a case of extreme emergency, constantly having to re-fluff and redistribute my used pillow into something that vaguely resembles a usable head and neck support, while failing miserably and waking up each day with a crick.

My pillow is so flat that I feel like I’m just sleeping on a pillow case.  My neck is situated at such a weird angle that I look like I’m trying to listen to my shoulder.  Which if it could talk would probably be asking, “What happened to the other perfectly-fluffed pillow that you had that supported us all perfectly and kept your ear the exact right distance away from me?!”  Touche, talking shoulder…touche.

Suggested Destination

My wife and I drove in to work a little later this morning, because she wasn’t feeling well and hadn’t gotten much sleep last night.  After dropping her off, I headed on to my office and decided to stop for gas before making my way inside the building.  I pumped my fuel and got back into the car and started it up.

When I start the car, my phone automatically connects to the Bluetooth.  Typically, the first thing it will do is anticipate where I want to go based on my current location and time of day and give me suggested directions to my next destination.  So, if I’m at home, then it will give me a little message from Maps, something like “38 min to get to work taking Long Prairie Rd, traffic is heavy.”  If I’m at work, then it usually gives me a message to UT Southwestern to pick up my wife.

However, today, it completely bypassed all of that and immediately said, “28 min to get home taking Long Prairie Rd, traffic is light.”  It was only 10:15 in the morning, and my phone already wanted me to go home!  I looked down at it and said, “I like where your head is at.”

The Getaway Driver

During my morning commute today, as I bobbed and weaved my way expertly through traffic, I let my mind wander to the possibility of becoming a getaway driver.  Who knows where these ideas come from, but I entertained it for an hour to see where it went.  Obviously, I can drive, and contrary to popular belief, I’m actually a good driver; or at least I’m good in the ways that relate to being a getaway driver.  But what skills make a good getaway driver?  What sets that person off from other normal drivers?  What other things do you need to consider as a getaway driver?

I had some ideas, of course, but I started to do some research to see what the experts say.  This led me to an article by James Peters called aptly enough, “How to Become the Most Perfect Getaway Driver.”  In the article Mr. Peters gives some rules and tips for being a getaway driver, which ultimately leads to him saying that you’re probably going to get caught no matter what you do, despite what the movies show.

So, besides being a good driver, I think a good getaway driver needs the following characteristics:

·        Thinks Quickly – They quickly evaluate all of the available options, running through pros and cons of each.

·        Decisive – And going along with the first one…they act quickly and stand by their decisions.  They don’t second-guess themselves or ponder other choices that they could have made.  They accept the consequences and move on to the next decision.

·        Good Reactions – They need catlike reflexes, because you never know what might spring out in front of you at the last second.

·        Stays Calm – Understandably, being in a high-speed chase is exciting, but it’s also nerve-racking.  So, being able to stay calm in the face of stressful situations will assist in making better decisions.

·        Internal GPS – They need to have an internal GPS of the area, so they have at least a rough idea of the roads and alternate roads that are available to them.

                                                                                                                           

And the additional items that Mr. Peters adds to the list:

·        Never use a getaway car that can be registered back to you or anyone you know.  Always use a stolen car that has been stolen that day and preferably right before the heist.

·        Never use a getaway car that draws attention to itself.  Avoid cars that are black, red, or yellow.  Look for a simple, dependable, domestic-looking family car.  Something with a “soccer mom” or “proud parent” sticker on the back window.

·        Drive seriously and safe.  Drive with purpose, but do not speed.  Stop completely at stop signs and stoplights.  Never drive through yellow lights.

·        Be sober.

·        Never get involved with some idiot who has “road rage,” because they will draw attention to themselves and you by association.

·        Sit upright and proper in the vehicle and wear your seatbelt.  Adjust your mirrors appropriately and make sure all of the lights and signals work.  Never use your car as a battering ram, if possible, because you risk doing damage that will draw unwanted attention to your car.

·        Make sure you have a full tank of gas.

·        When driving away from the heist, never squeal your tires or speed, which will draw attention to yourself.  Drive with a destination and purpose, but take lots of turns to get there.

·        People in the backseat should lay low, as it’s highly likely that the number of robbers has been given to the authorities.  Have someone sit in the passenger seat, though, so it doesn’t make it look too obvious.

·        Park the car at a park or public pool, some place with no video cameras, and then look natural and walk away.  Notice your surroundings and stay alert.

·        Never wear a hat or sunglasses.

·        Never look nervous, agitated, or scared.  Drive with one hand on the wheel and the other resting on the console or stretched over the passenger seat.  Try to look casual.

·        Try to look happy and unthreatening.  Maybe smile, but don’t overdo it.

·        If you do get in a chase with the authorities, just remember that the odds are not in your favor.  They tend to have cars that are faster and more agile than yours, and they take classes on driving in a high-speed chase (despite what you see in the movies).  They also have the gang mentality and will use their radios to work together against you.

·        Eluding the authorities is next to impossible.  The longer you stay on the road, the higher the risk of getting arrested or killed.  Taking high speed turns can increase your chances of success, but they are also highly dangerous.  There is an art to them, and they should be practiced before the move is actually needed.

·        Your best option in a chase is to go down a side street or narrow alley, park the getaway car in the middle of the street, and run away on foot.  Making the authorities have to get out and chase you increases your chances, but not by much.

In hindsight, perhaps the life of a getaway driver isn’t for me.  If I want the thrill of it without the risk of it, I could always fly to the UK and participate in the annual Racewars Getaway Driver experience at the Curborough Sprint Track.  At least with that, I know I’ll be walking away at the end of the day.