Alaskan T-Shirt

I used to work with a guy who would randomly wear an Alaskan t-shirt to work. It was just an ordinary blue t-shirt with a big picture of a mountain and the word “Alaska” on the front, but it was odd because he dressed so nicely ever other day. Thinking that he was just trying to loosen up a little, I made a comment one day that it was good to see him going more casual. To which he replied that it was laundry day and everything else he had was dirty. After that, I always laughed and teased him when I saw him wearing that t-shirt…must be laundry day.

The Alaskan t-shirt has now become my euphemism for laundry day. Whenever someone says they were doing laundry, I always ask if they were wearing their Alaskan t-shirt. It’s also my assumption when I see someone who normally dresses a certain way randomly wearing different clothes one day. So, I’ll ask them if it’s laundry day and they had nothing else to wear. Which is probably more relevant if someone randomly gets more casual in their dress, but I also do it if someone randomly gets dressier too!

The New Rug

I texted my spousal unit about a recent purchase I had made, and this is how the conversation went.

Me: I bought a new rug today.

Spousal Unit: Why would you buy a toupee, you’re not bald?

Me: No, it’s for upstairs.

Spousal Unit: That’s usually where you put a toupee, yes.

Me: Why are we talking about toupees?! You’re starting to make me feel self-conscious! I’m talking about a rug, as in a floor covering for my office upstairs.

Spousal Unit: Oh, well why didn’t you just say so.

Me: Sigh…

One-Armed Tan

It’s funny, but I remember back in the ‘80s and ‘90s that there was a phenomenon of the one-armed tan. It was always the left arm, because that’s the arm that the driver would hang out the open window. It was weird to see one arm darker than the other, but everyone accepted it too, probably because they had the same tan.

This phenomenon went away around the millennium when the self-tanning craze took hold. People became so obsessed with an “even” tan that no self-respecting person would be caught dead with a one-armed farmer. That and with global warming, people no longer drive around with their windows open. And even if they do, you rarely see an arm hanging out getting a little more sun than the other side.

My One Day as a Pirate

When I was in seventh grade, I was taking an elective art class. During one of the assignments, we were coloring with colored pencils. I guess I pressed too hard, and the tip of the pencil broke off…and flew right into my eye! The teacher tried to help me get it out by splashing water into my eye. She tried eye drops. She tried to see if she could get it with her finger. But nothing worked.

Finally, she called my mom to come get me, and I was rushed to the eye doctor. The optometrist used a giant cotton swab to gently fish this broken piece of leaf out of my eye. Unfortunately, because it had stayed in there so long and moved around a lot, I had severe scratches on my eyeball. So, he had to put some special drops in my eye to protect it and allow it to heal. The other unfortunate thing was that the drops wouldn’t stay in my eye on their own, so I had to wear an eye patch for the next 24 hours.

While it may sound cool at first, I mean who wouldn’t want to look like a pirate for a day, it was in fact the exact opposite of cool. This thing was white, not black, and didn’t come with a sweet skull and crossbones or even a giant ruby. And it was unceremoniously taped to my face instead of having a strap that went around my head. I looked stupid. And being that kids are cruel at any age, I talked my mom into letting me stay home until I could take it off.

So, my one day as a pirate was a disaster. Instead of riding free on the ocean waves, feeling a salty breeze against my face, and smelling the burnt odor of gunpowder as my ship took down a trading vessel…I spent it on land, cooped up at home, sleeping. Oh well, at least I still have use of my eye. 

Organic Alarm Clock

I have an internal alarm clock that is so precise that it wakes me up at exactly 6:00 am every morning, whether my wife sets her alarm or not. Of course, I should also note that it also wakes me up at precisely 11:56, 1:30, 3:20, and 4:44 every night to pee too. So, maybe not such a great internal clock after all.

House Arrest

Most days I feel like I’m on house arrest. I may go an entire day, or even an entire week, without ever leaving the house. I go upstairs to my office to work. I go downstairs to eat, play, and get away from work. But I never leave the house.

It’s not so much that I miss people, although sometimes I do. It’s not that I want to go back to the office. It’s that I want to go out and do something fun. I want to take a vacation. I want a change of scenery, but in a personal way, not in a work way.

This issue is that my wife goes to work. So, all she wants to do is come home. She’s tired of being out and about, and she wants to relax at home. So, we’re constantly at odds with what we want. Therefore I bend and give, so we stay home, and my imprisonment continues. All I’m missing is an ankle monitor!

The Mooch

It’s interesting how a simple, random act can change the entire course of your life. Or was it really random at all? Was it God putting things in motion that He knew you’d need later? This is the story of how I met my best friend, my roommate, and my brother through one of these events.

I was in my first semester in my new major, having recently given up on Mechanical Engineering to pursue computer programming. As a Computer Science major, we had to take various programming language courses. Attached to the lectures were labs, where we received homework assignments to complete under the guidance and tutelage of a teaching assistant. It was during the very first lab that my lab partner TD and I got stuck. We had no idea how to even start on the assignment, much less complete it. After fruitlessly going around and around on it, TD decided to see if he could find someone to help us. So, he set off while I continued to puzzle through the question. He came back a few minutes later holding the answers to all of the questions. Apparently, he’d not only found a hint, but he had managed to mooch the entire assignment off an innocent, trusting guy in our class. Ironically, I would find out later, that the answers weren’t even correct, and that our benefactor had no idea how to do it either.

The next day, I saw the same guy in my art class. Normally, I would not approach a virtual stranger and engage him in conversation, I mean computer nerds are introverts by nature. But something was compelling me to speak up. So, completely out of my comfort zone, I walked up to him after class and said, “Hey. You’re in my programming class. You helped us in the lab yesterday.” And with those simple words, a lifelong friendship was set in motion.

JT would end up becoming my best friend. We were inseparable. We worked on projects together, went for walks, took a dance class, photographed the campus, and shared everything. When he found himself homeless a semester later, I convinced my roommate to take JT in. By the end of the year, he was my soul brother…like we were two parts to one soul that had been split apart and cast into the universe. He was one of my groomsmen, and I still talk to him to this day, some twenty years later.

But as amazing as all of that is, what is more amazing is the timing of when I met him. I had just broken up with my long-time girlfriend a month before. She was the love of a lifetime, and I adored her. So, the sudden loss of her in my life utterly destroyed me. My depression had grown so bad that a week before the school year started, I found myself laying on the floor in my room, staring at the ceiling fan, seriously contemplating ending my life. And just when I needed someone in my life to lift me back up and show me that life was still worth living, that’s when God sent me JT.

He was the answer to a prayer that I hadn’t even prayed. But God knew what I needed anyway. And I’m still amazed to this day at how God used that random act of mooching an assignment to change my life…in more ways than even I suspected. JT actually introduced me to my wife as well. So, not only did God send JT to lift me back up, but he sent him to facilitate my ex’s replacement. Although it’s more accurate to say upgrade, because they aren’t equals.

Covid-19 Hotspot

Since the release of the Covid-19 vaccine, I have heard a lot of reasons why people don’t want to get it.

It’s against my religion. (I suppose there are religions out there that teach against vaccines, medicine, and any healing not brought about by God.)

I’m afraid the government will inject me with a tracking device. (I hate to break it to you, but they can already track you if they want. Didn’t you ever see Enemy of the State. Besides, why would you think you’re so important to the government that you’re worth tracking?! But I digress.)

I’ve already had Covid, so now I’m immune to ever get it again. (Again, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your immunity only lasts for six months, and absolutely has no effect on variants and mutations of the virus.)

I’m afraid the government will inject me with a sterilization agent at the same time, like they did with the polio vaccine in Africa back in the 1960s. (Seriously? I don’t even know what to do with this.)

I’m afraid that it will change my genetic makeup. (You’ve been watching too many movies. It doesn’t work like that. And are we talking about giving you superpowers, because that wouldn’t be so bad? Or are you assuming that this is all part of the social injustice movement, and black people will turn everyone black as a way to equalize things?)

I can’t spread the virus, because I don’t breathe heavily. (Uh…)

Covid isn’t real, it’s just something cooked up by the Trump administration. We won’t even hear about it after the election. (I sure hope you didn’t put money on that prediction.)

So, I’ve heard all of these reasons NOT to get the vaccine, but I just heard the funniest reason for someone to want to get it. SM was hoping to get injected with some sort of software that would turn him into his own wireless hotspot. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, but it would have been cool. Much better than some of those other outlandish ideas. Although I guess a "Covid-19 Hotspot" could also be a place where there's a lot of reported cases. Hmmm...