The Bus is Coming

Shortly after I got married, I had this recurring dream four nights in a row. It was always the same, so I took it as an omen of my future. In the dream, I was walking across the street when a city bus came out of nowhere and ran me over. I don’t know how far into the future it might be, but I have always assumed since that day that I was destined to meet my end at the front of a bus.

I supposed there are worse ways to go…and possibly better. As far as strange deaths go, it is sort of pedestrian and middle of the road…pun intended. What I have often wondered in the days following is if it was indeed an actual bus or something more metaphorical. Like if I die of a heart attack, which feels like the pressure of a bus on my chest. Or if I die because my spousal unit or son drive me up a wall.

Day of Selfishness

Based on a recommendation from a total stranger at the Disney Store today, I decided to declare today a Day of Selfishness.  The man said that he takes one day a month to do something selfishly for himself, and I loved the concept.  So, I decided to start today.  In the spirit of the day, I decided to buy myself a gift to thank myself for being awesome.  So, I bought a Darth Maul mug.  When I showed it to my spousal unit, she sneered at it and said, "Why would you buy THAT?!"  I sneered right back and replied, "Because it's awesome just like me.  And I don't care if you don't like it, because it was for me.  So, now, you're forbidden to use it!"  This obviously didn't have quite the effect that I had intended, because she said, "I wouldn't be caught dead using that mug, so that's fine with me."

Fuel on the Fire

This morning, my spousal unit told me that she was worried about the grant she left behind at her previous job. Her new employer told her that she’d need to reach out to her old university and obtain permission to bring the grant with her. As per usual, my spousal unit immediately started hashing through all the things that could go wrong, like her old boss blocking the transfer. I told her to stop focusing on negativity and think positively. No matter how many things she could think of that could make this fail, God could overcome them all. When you have Him on your side, none of that other stuff matters. She immediately lashed out at me that I was “chewing her out.”

Later today, I heard her on the phone with her friend, discussing the same situation. Her friend was throwing fuel on my spousal unit’s already blazing fire, not only justifying her concerns, but adding to them. She was basically saying exactly what my spousal unit wanted to hear. Misery loves company, I guess. This is a huge concern of mine about my spousal unit. She has weak faith, and she surrounds herself with other people who are not believers, or who are not practicing believers. They focus on the limitations of the world rather than the power of God. So, instead of building her faith, her friend helped tear it down.

I believe my spousal unit revels in drama and anxiety. She doesn’t believe she deserves more. She doesn’t believe that God cares about her “petty” problems, and she refuses to let God take over. It doesn’t matter how many times that God surprises and amazes her when she feels no hope. The moment the next obstacle comes, she’s back to freaking out again and running through the doomsday list. I get frustrated at how easily she forgets what God literally did for her not two weeks ago. But it frustrates me more that she lashes out at me and latches onto what her unbelieving friends think. The same friends that gave up on every other situation as hopeless and were proven wrong when God did one of His patented miracles.

The saddest part is that my spousal unit has all the qualities to be a great leader and an influencer. People would follow her, and she could make a difference, if she’d just believe…if she’d just let God guide her life. Maybe she could encourage her friends to put their faith in God when their own storms arise instead of encouraging their paths of self-deprecation and destruction.

Meeting Art

I had an unusual amount of meetings today, which I find boring and generally unproductive, especially since most of them only require my presence, but not my actual voice.  It's very easy for me to zone out if I'm not speaking or doing something active, so I entertained myself by arranging my throat lozenges into Picasso-like faces.  Even my art seemed to be questioning the usefulness of these meetings.