Credit Fraud

D.R. got a call from his credit card company today. Apparently, someone in California was trying to use his Debit Card to pay for a colonic irrigation. D.R. told them it wasn’t him, but if he ever gets his hands on the guy, the guy will have more than just a tube shoved up his butt.

Like D.R.'s foot, perhaps? Is anyone else thinking Red Foreman?

What's the point?

A romantic comedy on Blu-Ray.

Because sometimes you just want to see a love story in high definition.

The Bag of Crisps

B.D. was telling us about this guy who used to come to the pub with his German Shepherd. Apparently, the guy could tell the dog to get him a bag of crisps, and the dog would go behind the bar and pull a bag of chips out of the basket and bring it back to the guy. Then, the guy could tell the dog to go get one for himself, and the dog would go get another bag of chips, bring it back to the table, lay down on the floor, tear it open, and eat it.

What was even more remarkable was that the dog could tell the difference between flavors. B.D. told the guy that he bet the dog would be confused if they switched the baskets of chips up, but it didn’t faze the dog one bit. Somehow he nailed it every time.

3 Seconds

- The time it takes to see your entire life flash before your eyes right before you get into an accident.

- The time it takes to either make my wife’s night or ruin my own based on what I say when I first walk in the door.

- The time it takes me to comb my hair after a shower.

- The time it takes to genuinely ask how someone is doing.

- The time it takes for a kid to go from clean to dirty.

- The time I can stay on the mechanical rocket outside the supermarket before I'm bucked off.

- The time your car stays new after you drive off the lot.

- The time of clear breathing that I have in between blowing my nose and it filling back up.

- The time it takes for B.D. to finish two double-cheeseburgers and a basket of fries at Dairy Queen.

- The time it takes my wife to be completely asleep when her head hits the pillow.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil

How can you have Extra Virgin Olive Oil? I mean “virgin” is an absolute term. It’s either virgin or not. It can’t be more virgin than another olive oil. I knew a girl once that used to wear a shirt that said, “98% Virgin.” I know it was supposed to be a joke, but it got me to wondering if people really try to justify screwing around by giving virginity a degree of how far you went.

I digress…we’re talking about olive oil, not people. So, okay, maybe I’m reading it wrong. Maybe it’s more like an advertisement for a special offer. Buy one virgin olive oil, get an extra olive oil free. Or maybe like those adds that say, “10% More Free.” You are getting extra virgin olive oil at no additional charge.

The Fanny Super Pack

Have you ever wondered what Superman did with his clothes when he changed into costume? I think he has a fanny pack behind his cape to put them in. We all know the cape is useless, so it must just be there to hide his pack.

I wonder what else he keeps in his fanny pack. Maybe some peanuts or crackers for a little in-flight snack? Wouldn't that suck if the bag of peanuts violently tore open and all of his peanuts went plummeting to earth? Then again, I guess he could just zip down and scoop them all up.

The "fanny super pack." That almost sounds like you're getting two for one on butts when you buy in the next 30 minutes. Maybe the "super fanny pack." Not to be confused with the "just okay fanny pack." Nah, that won't work either. How about the "hide-it-behind-your-useless-cape-so-nobody-sees-what-you-do-with-your-clothes after-you-changed-into-your-costume-in-a-phonebooth-so-that-you-could-go-fight-crime in-tight-spandex fanny pack"? Yep, I think I'm onto something here!

Coffee is Not Good for Plants

B.D. pours the leftover coffee in his cup onto his plant at the end of the day. Now, the poor thing is addicted to caffeine. Yesterday, he didn't have any coffee left to give it, and this morning he came in to find his plant leaning toward his cup and shaking.

Pantless in the Office Picture

I woke up this morning thinking that we were taking our office picture at work today. So, I made sure to put on a flattering shirt, clean pants, and my nicest underwear. Imagine my disappointment when I found out the picture is tomorrow! Imagine my disappointment growing deeper when I found out the picture was being moved to next week! Well, I'm not playing the game. I wore my good underwear today. They're not getting it again next week.

S.M. tentatively asked why wearing my best underwear should matter for the office picture. I told him that you never know when you might get "pantsed." It's best to be prepared.

I seem to be going with an underwear theme this week. Funny.

Wear Clean Underwear

Why do people always tell you to wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident? Why would people see your underwear if you got in an accident? Are they assuming that you'll hit so hard that you'll fly right out of your pants? There you'll be lying in the street in your skidmark underwear when the paramedics show up. But honestly, would that really look so odd, having skids after an accident? I mean, there's nothing wussy about having the crap scared out of you.

Or maybe it's because the paramedics check that sort of thing while you're unconscious. "You keep him alive, while I rifle through his pockets for change and check his underwear for skids." Then they roll you into the ER, and the attending physician asks for your status. "Well, we've stabilized his breathing, his heartrate's fine, and he's wearing Tweety Bird boxers with skids."

My wife seems to think it has to do with when they're changing you into your hospital gown. But that still doesn't tell me why some nurse is inspecting my underwear to such a close degree. I say that if you're going to look, then you deserve whatever you see.

You Talkin' to Me?

My friend Bruce was telling me that he screwed up naming his dog. Apparently, his dog, Zeus, can't tell the difference when Bruce's wife calls for Bruce from the other room. Zeus always gets up and lumbers in to see what she wants. Bruce said that he doesn't even bother getting off the couch. When his wife asked him why he didn't come when she called, he told her that he didn't think there was a need, because he sent Zeus to find out what she wanted.

Bruce said that Zeus is the smartest dog he's ever owned. The kind of dog a man can have a conversation with and just know the dog understands him. He said that lately when his wife calls for Bruce, Zeus will just look over at Bruce to see which one of them is supposed to go. He'll only check it out if Bruce tells him that she called the dog.