Phone Support Parody

Our company puts out these regular training shorts that put emphasis on specific places where we could struggle to deliver top-notch customer service.  The one this week was by far the best.  I’m not sure who took the time to put this together, but it couldn’t be more spot-on!

Automated Message:  Thank you for calling the honesty corporation, where we’re honest about everything.  Even though you won’t feel like it, your call is important to us. 

Most customers don’t believe me when I say this, but please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed.  You can use your touchtone phone or simply say the name of the selection you would like to make.  Either way, it will take you multiple tries to get what you’re looking for.

For technical support, press 1.  For billing, press 2.  For customer service, press 3.  For a listing of other employees you won’t be able to reach, press 9.  To repeat these options, press *.

Caller:  Customer service.

Automated Message:  Even though I understood you, I’m going to say I did not recognize this entry.  It’s best if we don’t start this experience off too smoothly.  Please try your selection again.

Caller:  Presses 3.

Automated Message:  You selected customer service.  In order to connect you with the representative that can best help you, I’m going to ask for more information that I don’t really need.  You can say something like, “I forgot my password,” or “My billing address has changed.”  To be honest, it doesn’t actually matter what you say, the agent I connect you with will ask you to repeat this information again anyway.

Caller:  I need to make an exchange.

Automated Message:  You need to make a change?  I see.  Do you need to change your order, or is it something else?

Caller:  Associate.  Presses 0.

Automated Message:  You have only pressed zero once.  You will need to press it a few more times before I think you are frustrated enough to connect you with an operator.  You may even want to hold down the button for emphasis.

Caller:  Presses 0.  Presses 0 again.  Presses 0 and holds it for a few seconds.

Automated Message:  Okay, I think you want to speak with an operator?  Even though I know this is correct, I’m going to ask you to press 1 for “Yes” or 2 for “No.”

Caller:  Presses 1.

Automated Message:  Instead of connecting you, I’m going to take up more of your time by saying things like, “Your call may be monitored for quality assurance.”  At this time, we are experiencing a higher than usual call volume.  I’m just kidding, we are experiencing our normal call volume, but our office is understaffed.  Here is annoying elevator music while you wait.

[Elevator music plays.]

Automated Message:  Did you know you can get product information and answers to frequently-asked questions on our website.  Of course you do.  That’s probably how you got the number to call us.  That’s okay.  I’m still going to give you a website that you already know or could have easily Googled.

[Elevator music continues to play.]

Automated Message:  This interruption is not an indication that your call is about to be answered.  It’s simply the recorded message restarting.

[Elevator music continues to play.]

Automated Message:  Your call has now timed out and will end for no apparent reason.  Feel free to call back or just give up.  Goodbye.