The second factor that she had going for her was being in
cahoots with my brother. He could do
things in the background, like coordinating guests and ordering party supplies,
so my spousal unit didn’t get caught doing that. But even still, the whole affair was quite a
well-planned operation, worthy of a military offensive. My spousal unit pulled out all of the
stops. As I previously-stated, I am a
trusting person, so I generally leave my phone sitting on the counter when I’m
at home. I don’t obsessively carry it around
with me, so it’s easily-accessible at all hours of the day. I also don’t lock it; because one, I have
nothing to hide, and two, I get annoyed after the first effort to unlock
it. This gave my spousal unit the
perfect opportunity.
The third factor that she had going for her is the fact
that she’s pregnant, which gave her some cover excuse. I didn’t think anything of it when she would
get up at 2 o’clock in the morning and head into the den. I thought she was just uncomfortable and
needed to sit up on the couch, which was actually true on some nights, but she
also used the same excuse to grab my phone off the counter and raid my contact
list. I would find out later that in
addition to some of my sister-in-law’s family, my spousal unit had invited some
of my friends from work, my friends from different states, my friends that
lived on the other side of Texas, and even my old roommates from college that
just happened to be visiting family for the holidays. Unfortunately, not everyone could make it,
but it’s the thought that counts, and my spousal unit pulled out all of the
thoughts…er…stops.
So, the key to any good surprise birthday party is
getting the naturally, home-bodied birthday boy out of the house for some extended
period of time. This allows the collaborators
to set up decorations and get food, and allows the guests to sneak into the
house unnoticed. To truly pull this off
well, the excuse has to be simple enough that you don’t have to make up a lot
of details and elaborate enough that it involves extended period of time
outside of the house. Too many details are
what makes people ask questions and be suspicious, which is bad. You want people to have their guard down and
not delve too deeply into the motivation behind suddenly needing to do…fill in
the blank.
In this instance, my brother asked me to take him and my
nieces to the mall to go shopping. My
spousal unit and sister-in-law decided to stay behind. This was not suspicious, because my spousal
unit is pregnant and often doesn’t feel well, and my sister-in-law is the type
of person that would rather sit on her phone than participate in a physical
activity. It was my brother that almost
let the cat out of the bag with his reason for why he wanted to go to the mall. But it was still a simple enough request not
to have my alarms going off, and any questions I might have had were squashed by
my unconditional love for my nieces and my desire to make them happy.
So, we went to the mall.
I won’t bore you with those details, but needless to say, they stalled
for hours by going into every…single…store.
Again, nothing unusual when shopping with young ladies. When we finally left and headed home, it had
grown dark outside. The large volume of
cars parked up and down the street is quite common in my neighborhood, so that
didn’t even raise my suspicions. By this
point I was so oblivious, that even when I saw some strange kid walking up my
driveway to my front door, I didn’t think anything of it. I thought I recognized him as my friend’s son,
but just assumed that maybe they were in town visiting family and had decided to
make an unannounced stop at our house.
And that’s why the first words out of my mouth when I walked in the door,
arms full of shopping bags, was, “Are we expecting someone…?”
A mob of people then jumped out from around the corner
and yelled, “Surprise!!!” Now, I must
pause a moment and digress a little. If
you know me at all, then you know that I absolutely hate to be startled like
this. They say that when you’re properly
motivated, you will either fight or take flight. I am a fighter. I will instinctively lash out at the
perceived threat to my well-being. So,
it is a good thing for everyone involved that at that moment, I am not a carrier
of a concealed handgun. Because it could
easily have turned into the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre up in that house. I imagine the duplicit difficulty with either
trying to explain to the police how a surprise birthday party turned into a
mass murder or with trying to find a way to hide twenty-three bodies in a backyard
the size of small closet.
But I did not go Al Capone on my party guests, and nobody
was harmed in the making of my surprise party.
The house was decorated with “Vintage 1978” signs and banners, which was
much better than that “Over the Hill” crap that most people get. BBQ from Hard Eight was piled en masse on the
stove top. And a cake shaped like a
tombstone, etched with the words “Here Lies His Youth” lay invitingly on the counter.
The night was spent eating and visiting with friends and
family, some I had seen a month earlier and some I hadn’t seen in years. I did my part; wearing a giant, black Mad
Hatter hat with the number 40 on the side and bouncing from group to group to
chat and express how grateful I was that they had come. It was a great mix of people, not too many,
but enough. We had a variety of ages and
personalities, and we even had a band of kids running around destroying things
upstairs. I was happy that each and every
one of them was there. But the grand
surprise was when my old friend SM from Missouri walked into the door. Apparently, he had hopped a flight at the last
minute, armed with nothing but a backpack of supplies, to be here to celebrate
with me. I have not seen him for almost
six years, so I was overwhelmed with joy at being able to pull him into a warm
embrace.
All in all, not a bad surprise birthday party. The only downside (if you can even call it
that) is that I’ll be eating BBQ every meal for the next week! I can’t thank my spousal unit and brother
enough for putting it altogether for me.
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