Stew-Pid!

I love how my mother-in-law says the word ‘stupid.’ It comes out as ‘stewpid’ instead. Which honestly just seems more fitting anyway, especially since she adds more inflection to that word and sometimes even drags it out for a beat. “Nobody can drive today! Everyone is so STEW-PID!” It’s hard to argue with that!

Those Darn Squirrels!

My spousal unit forgot her glasses at the house today and texted me to ask if I’d bring them to her at work. I happened to have a gap in my schedule, so I grabbed them and headed her way. As I came to a stop on S Carroll Blvd in Denton, I heard a loud, sharp crack come from the roof of my car. A second later, it was followed by another and then another in short succession. I was under attack from some unknown enemy. I opened my window, stuck my head out, and peered upward…right into the black, beady eyes of two brown squirrels. They were sitting in an oak tree with its branches extended over the road, throwing acorns at cars as they drove by. I just happened to have been unlucky enough to stop here, so they took full advantage to bombard me with heavy artillery fire. Now, I’ve never heard a squirrel laugh, but I would imagine that it sounds exactly like the noise I heard coming out of these two imps. The light turned green, and I was off, while they turned their sights on the next unsuspecting victim.

Polyps

When I had my colonoscopy last week, the doctor had found several polyps in my colon. He removed them and sent them for testing. Thankfully, they were benign, but they were also precancerous, meaning that if they’d stayed in there much longer, then they could have turned cancerous. So, it’s a good thing that I went in and had the checkup. It also means that I’ll have to go in and get regular “tune-ups” for the rest of my life. But I guess the alternative is worse. Praise God that they found it in time!

Gecko Freak Out

Spousal Unit: “Uh…there’s a lizard on the freaking ceiling.”
Me [looking up]: “Yep, there sure is.”
Spousal Unit: “Well, aren’t you going to do something about it?”
Me: “That’s a twelve foot ceiling. What do you think I can do about it? Besides, he’s not hurting anything. He’s probably eating the spiders. Leave him alone.”
Spousal Unit: “What if he decides to fling himself off there in the middle of the night?! I’m not sleeping in here with a potential daredevil lizard hanging over me!”
Me: “Oh for crying out loud, I’ll get the fly swatter.”
Spousal Unit: “Don’t kill him!”
Me: “I’m not, but how else do you expect me to get him down? Come on, little guy. Don’t fall off of there. No, no, no! Don’t run over there! Crap, hang on, I’m going to get a chair.”
Spousal Unit: “Hurry before he gets away.”
Me: “Where did he go?”
Spousal Unit: “He ran down the wall over there.”
Me: “Why are you standing on the bed?”
Spousal Unit: “In case he comes after me.”
Me: “He’s capable of climbing up the wall and hanging upside down from the ceiling, but you don’t think he can climb up on the bed to get you if he wants to?”
Spousal Unit: “Okay, I didn’t think it through. Just get him.”
Me: “Come on, little guy. Sit still, so I can put this cup over you. I promise that I won’t hurt you. I’m trying to get you back outside. No!”
Spousal Unit: “What happened?”
Me: “He ran behind the changing table. Now, I have to move everything. Oh, come on!”
Spousal Unit: “Now what?”
Me: “He ran behind the dresser. Why couldn’t you have just left him alone?! Ugh, this thing weighs a ton. Okay, nice and easy. Stay…stay…stay. For crying out loud!”
Spousal Unit: “Did you get him?”
Me: “No, he ran behind the mirror. Okay, I’m about to go get the fly swatter you stupid lizard. Stop running away from me! Got him! He’s a little Mediterranean House Gecko. Oh my god, he was probably just trying to sell you insurance!”
Spousal Unit: “I’m not buying. Get him out of the house. And then, can you please put everything back? I’m really tired. I’m going to bed.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m sure all that standing on the bed and squealing really wore you out.”

Colonoscopy

Today, I had my first colonoscopy. It sucks to realize that I’m old now, and I have to worry about things like a colonoscopy. But since we have a history of colon cancer in the family, I bit the bullet and requested it. The procedure itself wasn’t so bad. I was unconscious for the entire thing after all. I did blackout while the nurse repeatedly poked me in the arm, painfully trying to find a vein for the IV, but that was the worst of it.

The really horrible part was the day before. And I don’t mean spending the entire day running to the bathroom after taking the “Drano for your stomach.” It was not being able to eat proper foods. Water and chicken broth are just not adequate substitutes, and I ended up having a migraine the entire day. Which didn’t go away today, since I wasn’t allowed to eat anything. And it’s not like you can take any drugs or anything for it, so I just had to suffer all day.

My mom was nice enough to come up and drive me around. As we left the clinic, she asked me what I wanted to do, and the only thing I could think of was eating food. So, she obliged by getting me a hamburger on the way home.