Pinching a Headache

I had a headache today, and C.D. said that I should pinch the skin between my thumb and index finger. She said that this was an old home remedy to make my headache go away. So, I did exactly what she said to do, and my head still hurts. But now the part between my thumb and index finger hurts too.

The weird part is that for some reason my third toe on my right foot hurts as well. I am not exactly sure why pinching my hand would cause that, but I suspect that there must be some wiring off in my system. I guess I need to go in for a rotation and balance.

So, I thought if it worked for one, it might work for the other. So, I pulled my shoe off and started pinching my toe. When I did that, my headache got worse. I give up!

Wussagna

Last weekend my grandparents were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. All the relatives were coming in from all over the country to participate in their party, and I made the trek down to see them too. My Mom and I decided to make lasagna to take to the party. However, my brother and I aren't fond of ricotta cheese, so I made a special batch that substituted double mozzarella for the ricotta.

It was absolutely wonderful, but my stepfather said that it wasn't real lasagna without the ricotta. Every time I would get me a plateful of it he would say, "Real men eat real lasagna...they don't go around eating any of that 'Wussagna' stuff." I laughed so hard at this affectionate new name that I decided it needed mention in my blog.

The Beer Shirt

So, I was talking to my brother tonight and we came up with this idea for a "beer shirt." The way it works is that the shirt will change color to indicate how much beer you've had. The color starts at the bottom and works its way up. The more you drink the brighter your shirt gets. When someone tries to tell you you've had enough, you can clearly show them that you could put down a few more.

We might even get beer companies involved to sponsor the idea and get their logo on the shirt. That way it lights up to tell everyone what kind of beer you've been drinking. Or if we get really scientific, we could have the shirt only work for certain types of beer. You know, a Budweiser shirt only responds to a Bud.

I suppose the shirt could have its drawbacks too. Suppose you get pulled over and the officer says, "I see you've been drinking tonight." "No ssir, ossifer...what gave you that idear?" "Well frankly, because your shirt is three fourths of a different color."

The Deodorant Quandary

Have you ever been putting your deodorant on, get one pit all lathered up, and then the deodorant runs out? Let's say for arguments sake that you have another stick of deodorant, but it's a different flavor.

Now you're in a quandary! You have a decision to make. Do you just go with one pit covered and hope it's a cool day today? Do you wash your one pit off, and start over again with the other stick of deodorant? Or do you just use the other stick on the second pit and intermingle the different fragrances?

I suppose there is always the fourth option of washing your one pit and just going without deodorant altogether, but I wouldn't recommend this.

Mooing at Cows

Tonight I was driving home from the store and passed a trailer full of cows. As I am known to do, I decided it would be a good idea to moo at them. So, I rolled the window down and gave them my best imitation "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The cows all looked at me as if I was stupid. So, I figure that I either sounded nothing like a cow and the real cows knew it, or I said something completely inappropriate in cow-ese.

Of course they could have just been wondering what a cow was doing driving a car.

Bone-A-Phobia

Did I ever tell you that I had a bone-a-phobia? Well, now I have. I suppose that really isn't an accurate description, since I'm not really scared of bones. I just hate them. Let's be more specific. I hate bones in my food.

I will actually go out of my way to avoid certain food because they have bones. Foods like ribs, chicken, pork chops, and even some steaks. My wife has found this to be particularly annoying because it limits the foods she can cook. But she is resourceful enough to find ways around it. She has found that she either can buy boneless meat, or she can cut the meat off the bone for me and I'll eat it.

I know this is strange, but I suppose that I just don't feel that any meat is THAT good that it is worth the effort it takes for me to rip it off the bone. Call me spoiled (everyone else does), but I have a bone-a-phobia and I'm sticking to it.

The Boss's Chair

Have you ever been tempted to sit in your boss's chair naked? Now don't you go shaking your heads like I'm nuts. I know I'm not the only one out there that has had this impulse. Now I wonder how many of you, that have secretly had this desire, have actually acted on it.

Well, I have. That's right...I sat in my boss's chair naked. (Come on, you knew that was coming. Why would I even bring it up, if I hadn't done it?) I was up at work late one night, working on a project that she claimed had to be done pronto. Needless to say I would have rather been doing a hundred other things. So, to show my disgust at the situation I decided I needed to do something to her. But what to do that would be relatively harmless, and yet would still make me laugh every time I saw it?

So I dropped my drawers and rubbed my bare, naked bottom all over her chair! I doubt she ever noticed, but it always made me smile. Almost as much as dropping the pen that she always chewed on in the toilet!

The Side of the Bed

Do you have a certain side of the bed that you always sleep on? Probably so, it seems everyone does. But the real question is, was there logic to picking that side of the bed? You know like, it is closer to the alarm clock and I always get up first. Or, that is the side that the fan is on.

Me personally, I didn’t get to pick my side of the bed…I was assigned it. I was assigned the side closest to the door. So, if we move and the layout of the bedroom dictates that the bed should be turned around, then my side of the bed changes. I have no say in the matter; that is just the way it is.

Why was I assigned that side, you might ask. Well, my wife told me that I had to be on that side so that if we are attacked in the middle of the night, then they will get me first, and my screams will wake her up and give her time to get to safety. Honestly. I am dead serious.

It’s okay, though, because I usually have to get up and pee about eight times during the night. And this affords me a shorter distance to the bathroom. Which is also fortuitous because it means less obstacles to try to navigate in the dark, when I am blind and apparently uncoordinated.

The Man, The Boy

Do you think of yourself as a man? Well, obviously if you are female, then the answer is hopefully “No.” But you can just substitute the appropriate ‘woman’ for ‘man’ throughout the blog.

So, do you think of yourself as a man? Well, I don’t. I am 28 years old, and I still think of myself as a boy, or even a young man, if you will. I know by societal and let’s say “nature” standards I am a man. I know by responsibility standards I am a man. But it still just sounds weird when someone calls me that.

I don’t know if it is my innate desire to always be a Toys ‘R Us kid, or if I just need something big in my life – like having a baby – to change my feelings. Maybe it is the fact that my wife says I constantly act like a 4-year old. Either way, don’t be surprised if you call me a man and I look around to see who you are talking about.

The Concussion

I hit my head on the desk today. Not the top of it, but the underside of it. C.D. wanted to know how I managed that. I told her it happened when I fell asleep and fell out of my chair. As I was getting up off the floor I hit my head.

The Brownie-Muffin

Tonight I made brownie muffins. I figured that one of two things happened when you read that sentence. You either giggled a little, or you said to yourself, "This guy is stranger than I thought." I personally giggled. I seem to always giggle when I say "brownie muffin." I don't know why, but I assume because it seems so absurd and yet so cute at the same time.

I don't know if anybody else has ever made brownie muffins...tee, hee, hee...but it just hit me that it would be cool to have a brownie in the shape of a muffin. They are still cooling, so I am not even sure that they will actually taste good. But just looking at them in their little paper cups makes me smile that I actually attempted to do it.

And if they turn out well, I might even make them again. They might become my trademark, like my mom's giant chocolate chip cookies. People will start to beg me to bring them to holiday functions. I'll start to get requests for them at birthday parties. They will become a cult icon! "Anybody who is anybody has heard of a brownie muffin! What planet are you from?" So, keep your eyes open in the stores for your box of brownie muffins...tee, hee, hee.

The Quarter

Have you ever given someone a quarter and then immediately turned around and asked if you could borrow a quarter?

I think that would be funny.

The Smelly Finger

Why is it when you get something smelly on your finger that you always feel the need to share it with someone else? “Oh man, that stinks! Hey, Chris, come over here and smell this.” And why is it that they always smell it?! And then they always seem amazed when it actually stinks. Did they think you were lying?

But what is even worse is that you will almost always smell it again. More than likely you will smell it several times. It becomes addictive. You know it stinks, but you just can’t seem to pull away. It is like seeing something repulsive, but you can’t avert your eyes.

Yeah, why is that?

A Single Lost Soul

WARNING: This blog post will not be funny at all.

Many Christians read books like "The Da Vinci Code" and play them off as good works of fiction. It doesn’t matter that they attempt to undermine the whole foundation that our beliefs are based on, because they are just a work of fiction. These Christians say that their faith was not shaken by such things. They say that they were merely entertained by the outlandish claims and ridiculous untruths portrayed.

I have no problem believing this to be perfectly true. I am glad that they are so secure in their beliefs that they can remain unaffected by such things. I am glad that they can see these works for what they are and walk away being merely entertained.

But the spiritual battle for souls does not center around us alone. We are to follow the Lord’s last command and go into the world and spread the truth so that others may be saved as well. These “harmless” works of fiction are a tool for the enemy to undermine that effort. Someone who is firm in their beliefs may be able to roll their eyes and ignore what is being said, but what about someone who is unsure and teetering between a decision of which “truth” is the right truth? What about someone who has never explored any semblance of faith?

"The Da Vinci Code" was a masterfully written book, I will concede. It was so well written as to be believable. That is where the true danger lies. People will read it and think, “Huh, that makes sense. It all fits together so perfectly.” That is when the seed of doubt is planted. People are always more eager to believe in facts than in faith. They cling to that which they can touch and feel over what is unseen. They will take up the mantra, “How can the facts be denied?!”

They then start to measure our words against things like these “harmless” works of fiction. We are no longer competing against the “truth” of another religion, but against the “truth” of doubt. How can they trust us and what we are saying when they doubt the truth of our words? Suddenly all the tools that we have become useless. Suddenly the enemy starts to win souls.

I don’t fear that works like this will turn Christians, but I fear for those who aren’t Christians yet. This may just be fiction to many Christians, but for someone who is searching for answers this very well may be the “truth” they have been looking for. And what is even more damaging to the cause is Christians who don’t see this reality right in front of their eyes. They don’t think anything of these books, because after all they are just books. Who would believe a book? Well, just think about it. How many millions of copies of "The Da Vinci Code" were sold around the world? How many people went and saw the movie? How many more will buy it and share it with their friends? Are you telling me that you are so naïve as to believe that in all of those millions of people that there isn’t possibly at least one person that believes what they are reading or seeing?

Wake up people! Our society is deteriorating right before our eyes and we are being too tolerant and complacent to do anything about it. And the enemy is laughing at us the whole time as he wins soul after soul right in front of us. If you call yourself a Christian, then be bothered by these things. Don't just write them off, but look at them for how they will impact those you are trying to lead to Jesus.

Heaven rejoices over a single soul coming home…and it weeps over a single soul lost.

Kicking the Poo

Have you ever been walking a dog who covers up his or her poo by kicking grass over it? I always wondered what was the point of this expenditure of energy. They never get enough grass on the poo to actually cover it up. And sometimes they get so energetic that they actually end up kicking the poo instead and flinging it all over the place. So why waste your time?

But I digress. At various times throughout our association, my wife has acted like what can only be described as...a turd. Apparently this is not a new thing with her since her father's pet name for her when she was a little girl was "skatoulaki," which in Greek means literally "little turd." Whenever she is having one of those moments, I let her know by "kicking the poo" at her. This consists of turning my back to her and kicking my foot backwards. This is usually always followed by her springing off the couch and running after me. Which is then usually followed by me making a vain attempt to escape her, her catching me and tackling me to the floor, and me screaming like a little girl for her to let me go.

But she caught on to my antics, and since I am not one who likes to be known as predictable I had to come up with some variations. So, I came up with such classics as "Double Poo," which is when I kick with both feet one after the other. "Slow Poo," which is when I take my time kicking the poo. "Front Poo," which is when I kick the poo while I am facing her. (Note: this is always a risky one, since you are in less of a convenient position to run away.) And my personal favorite, "Delayed Poo," which is when I kick my leg out and hold it extended out for a second.

Now one might ask why I would continue to do this to her, since it is usually always followed by me being chased down and tackled to the floor. All I can say is that I could outrun her if I wanted to, but sometimes it is better to be caught!

The Rooster Walk

Today I am going to talk about the "Rooster Walk." The Rooster Walk is what a rooster does when he is strutting his stuff across the barnyard for all of the hens. He will puff out his chest, fluff up his tail feathers, stick his beak up in the air, elevate that little red glove-thing on his head, and slowly and meticulously take step after step, raising each leg up almost to his chest. He will "strut" like this from one side of the barnyard to the other, and then turn around and go back again. It is his way of showing who the "man" is.

Now that you hopefully have a vivid picture of what this looks like in your mind, I will get to the point. Whenever I win a competition with my wife or do something extraordinary that she is not expecting, I will do the "Rooster Walk" across the den. I puff my chest out, stick my butt out as far as I can manage, stick my nose up in the air, and take slow and deliberate steps, raising each knee up high in the air and fully extending my leg before I put it down. I strut like this back and forth across the den until she loses herself in uncontrollable laughter or throws something at me.

Some people lick their fingers and touch it to themselves, making sizzling noises in the process. Some people pat themselves on the back. Some people grunt. I do the "Rooster Walk."

The Obvious Order and Complexity of the Universe

Yesterday I attended a talk about the Hubble Space Telescope and God. I know this sounds like a strange combination, but it was very interesting. The talk was by a retired NASA engineer who headed the Hubble Project. The talk centered mainly around him showing us pictures taken from the Hubble Space Telescope and explaining about different space phenomena. But I am not going to go into that here. I want to talk about the two things that struck me when he tied the space phenomena back to God.

The first was about the Big Bang Theory. For those of you unfamiliar with the Big Bang Theory it goes something like this: The universe was created when a primeval atom exploded sending debris in every direction. This debris would later be the substance that would form the various galaxies, planets, stars, and other astral bodies in the universe. This NASA engineer theorized that it would be completely plausible to say that this "Big Bang" happened at the point in the Bible that coincides with Genesis 1:3. This verse states, "Then God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was light." In other words, the explosion and subsequent light given off by it was the light that God first created. God then goes on to form the Earth in verses 9-10. And later in this chapter (verses 14-19) it states that God creates "lights in the firmament of the heavens" and "two great lights: the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night." All of this could have been formed from the substances left over from the original explosion.

The second was about other life in space. I am by admission generally a non-believer about life on other planets. Most people consider it conceit to think that we are so important that we are the only life in the whole galaxy. I never thought about it as conceit so much as the Bible doesn't mention life on other planets. But seeing the pictures of other galaxies taken from Hubble got me to thinking. We may be the only life in this solar system, but even our puny solar system only comprises one arm of the Milky Way Galaxy. And beyond that there are at least thousands of galaxies in the universe. Who's to say there aren't habitable planets in those galaxies. Maybe those people have their own Bibles, containing their own histories. Maybe they are living existences similar to our own. Maybe at this very moment someone is writing a blog about life in other galaxies. Maybe the Bible doesn't say anything about them, because we don't need to know about them. Maybe it was concerned with showing us how to find salvation and become better Christians, rather than revealing all that God knows. Otherwise, why would God waste His time making all of those other galaxies and filling them with planets and stars?

That's right, you heard it here first! This self-proclaimed skeptic has changed his feathers. I am now pondering the possibilities. There is an obvious order and complexity to the universe that cannot be denied. So, maybe I was not being conceited...maybe I was living without the information that would open my eyes to the possibilities. Maybe I was just too busy to look beyond our solar system and see the big picture.

I would love to hear what you think about all of this. Especially those ideas that deal with the universe in relation to God.

A Mind of Their Own

Sometimes my fingers have a mind of their own. They don't seem to always type what I tell them to type. My mind is thinking something, and I am pretty sure I get the right message to my fingers. But then they go off and type something completely different.

Most times this is no big deal, as most people just look at it as a minor typo and move on. But occasionally my fingers write something really embarrassing or completely inappropriate. And sometimes they write things that completely change the meaning of what I was trying to say.

And you can't always rely on spell checker to catch these things, because my fingers are very sneaky about using actual words when they change things. It almost seems like they are trying to see if I am paying attention or maybe how much they can get away with. I end up triple reading everything I am writing to make sure they haven't slipped something in on me.

Backwards Toilet Paper

Can someone please explain to me why anyone would intentionally put the toilet paper roll on the dispenser backwards!? By backwards, I mean so that the paper rolls off the back instead of the front. I have pondered this mystery for long periods of time, trying to see it from a different perspective, and have yet to come up with any reason at all much less a good one.

Unrolling the paper from the dispenser only serves to cause the toilet paper to run along the wall. Static electricity almost always causes the paper to stick to the wall. Thus making it almost impossible to peel it off with your fingers. No matter how much you unroll it just simply slides down the wall.

Some may argue that you can alway unroll it the opposite direction, so that the end flips over the top first. But even this is not fullproof. If you should miss catching the end as it flips by, then just like that it heads straight for the wall again. It only compounds the frustration if you should have to endure this more than once, like say in-between "tears." (Which is even worse, since more than likely at that point you are not exactly in the most convenient position to be jacking with trying to catch the end as it flips by.)

All of this can be solved by simply turning the toilet paper roll around, so that unrolling it causes the paper to simply dangle in open space. There are no obstructions for the paper to stick on. And it is equally convenient no matter what position you find yourself in.

So, other than a complete lack of caring, can anyone tell me why anyone would put the toilet paper roll on backwards!?

The Official Royal Decree of Marriage, Part 2

Since my post on The Official Royal Decree of Marriage was so popular, esp. among the ladies, I thought I would follow up with a part two. The "Bill of Rights," if you will, to the Official Decree basically boils down to the following few parts. (Legal Disclaimer: Now keep in mind that this is a working document and things can be changed and added at a later time as the king sees fit.)

1.) The marriage will be full of double standards. Those things that the queen shall be held accountable for do not necessarily apply to the king as well. This is especially true if those things will cause the king more work or get him into trouble in any way. This rule will also apply to kids as the need arises.

2.) The rules are subject to change at any time. This will be enforced during those times when changing the rules will be advantageous to the king. Only the king is allowed to change the rules.

3.) No royal edicts are allowed to be questioned or changed after they have been sealed with the phrase, "So it shall be written, so it shall be done!" The exception to this comes, of course, in the case of #2 above.

Now while I have not been very successful in convincing my wife that this is the best way to rule a kingdom, I have every confidence that she will continue to be stubborn and hold out against the Official Royal Decree. I have even laid my foot down that this is not a discussion, but just the way it is going to be. She responded by laughing hysterically as she attempted to roll over my foot with the car. I think she is weakening, though, because every once in a while she actually lets me win an argument!

Behold the king!

Good Morning

I hate when people walk up to me first thing in the morning and just start talking business. How hard is it to say "good morning" before you start asking me to do things or asking me for something? Give me just a bit of common courtesy and maybe I will be more inclined to help you out. Otherwise, I feel like I am just a slave to do your bidding. I am not a human being. I don't have to be acknowledged. Well, who wants to be treated like that?!

It doesn't have to be a long conversation. Just two little words to pave the way to uglier things. They say that you should always start your day off on the right foot. Get your mind right and it will help the day go smoother. I think showing someone that you care just a little bit about them will go a long way to having a better day with them. We work enough throughout the day that I think we can spare a few seconds of kindness and decency.

The Flying Shoe

I have several strange and playful things that I say when I am faking being upset. Things like, “Do you want to take this inside!” Or, “Don’t make me come over there and slap myself!” Or, “Let’s go then! I can take you with both your arms tied behind your back!”

But the one I am probably most famous for is when I say, “Do I need to take off my shoe?!” My wife thinks this is really funny. She says that I only threaten with the shoe when it is something big. So, if I tell her that I almost took my shoe off, then she knows somebody must have really irritated me.

I think I started this after I heard an Eddie Murphy stand-up routine where he talked about his mama taking off her shoe and throwing it at her kids when they were acting up. He said that the shoe was kid-seeking. If they ran, then it flew after them. It could even fly around corners and get them. He said most times you didn't really get any warning. You might hear this whispering, swishing sound, but by then it was too late. And BAM! it would hit you.

So, if we are ever in a fight together, don't be surprised to see me leaning slightly to one side and holding a shoe!