The Recycling Bin

The waste management company for our neighborhood recently decided to change the trash and recycling bins. They had one crew grab the bins on your normal trash or recycling day, and another crew brought you a new one later.

The problem was that we were out of town when they grabbed the recycling bin, which was fine because they grabbed it the next week. However, something happened because they never brought us a new one.

Our neighborhood is fairly new so they're still building houses on our street. So while driving one night, we saw a newly-constructed house that was still unoccupied. And lo and behold there was a brand new trash and recycling bin sitting in the driveway. So my wife and I got the bright idea to do a night raid and procure the unclaimed recycling bin.

We thought it would be a quick snatch and grab. So we dressed in dark clothing, waited until it was late, and quietly drove down the street. Everything was fine until we started to try to stuff the bin in the trunk. We didn't plan on the largeness of the bin or the physical limitations of our trunk. I can fit three dead bodies in it, but not one recycling bin!

I tried to maneuver that bin every way possible to no avail. I even tried holding it to the back of the car and roping the trunk down to hold it. Didn't work. I was growing more and more frustrated, not to mention more and more concerned that we looked more and more suspicious.

At one point, a man went walking by with his dog. I hissed at my wife to freeze. So there we stood, not moving, holding a recycling bin half in the trunk, waiting for this guy to slowly meander by us. It took what seemed like an eternity, as his dog decided to stop every six inches and smell something. The guy, completely oblivious and absorbed in his phone, never looked in our direction once.

After that close call, we resumed our heist with renewed vigor. But realizing now what a compromising position we were in, I was all ready to tie the bin to the bumper and just let it roll behind the car, or hang my arm out the window and roll it alongside. I was desperate and running out of creative ways to procure this stupid recycling bin.

That is when my wife decided to give her first suggestion. To her credit, she had stayed out of it and let me work through failed plan after failed plan, laughing silently to herself as each one escalated into more ridiculousness. But enough was enough, so she finally said, "Why don't you just put it in the back seat?"

I sighed with frustration at her stupid idea. But I held in most of my feelings and talked to her in that "humor the dummy" voice that we all have and pull out from time to time. "It obviously won't fit through the door, which is smaller than the trunk opening," I replied. "Maybe it will, have you tried?" she asked. "No, because I can see it wont fit. It's a spacial awareness problem. I have always had better spacial awareness than you, so just trust me." 

Getting annoyed, she grabbed the bin from my hands, flung the back door open, and shoved it in in one smooth motion. She closed the door, looked at me and smiled, and said in that "humor the dummy" voice that we all have and pull out from time to time, "I guess you were right...spacial awareness."

In the end, I really don't care, because I had my stolen recycling bin, which proved harder to get out of the car than to get in it. But that's another story.