Big Cock Ranch

Earlier this year, my wife came to me carrying a credit card statement and said, “Is there something you want to tell me?”  I started to panic wondering about all of the things I might have done wrong and trying to think about which one she might be referring to.  I decided to go with the safe answer, “Not particularly, why?”  She handed me the statement, which had one entry highlighted in yellow.  It simply said, “Big Cock Ranch…$68.00.”  I stood there for several minutes, trying to puzzle out what I might have bought that had that description, but my mind was a blank.  I handed the statement back to her and said that I guess my credit card was compromised.

The next few minutes were awkward as she stood there staring at me with slivered eyes, like she was trying to read into my soul and uncover a truth that I had buried under layers and layers of lies, so thick that even I had started to believe them, that the lies had become reality and that I could no longer tell the difference, but that if she stared at me long enough she could peel back those lies like the layers of an onion and reveal the truth…and apparently that truth in her eyes was that I had purchased some sort of Big Cock for $68.00.  I began to sweat under her scrutiny, even though I was 87% sure that I hadn’t made this purchase, and I began to doubt myself.  She finally pursed her lips, gave me a “hmphf,” and walked away. 

But the seed of doubt had been planted.  I couldn’t get that line of the credit card statement off my mind.  Everything else on there was legitimate.  Why would someone who had stolen my credit card buy a single item?  And why would that item have been a Big Cock of all things?!  I ran through every purchase we had made for Christmas…every gift…and finally it hit me. 

I Googled “Big Cock Ranch” and found out that it was a company that sold grilling spices.  The logo was a giant crowing rooster…a big cock.  As a gag, we had bought a box of spices from them for my brother called the “Box o’ Shit,” which was a sampler pack of four different spices, but I didn’t realize that’s how it would come across on the credit card statement.  I find it funny that both of our minds immediately ran to the dirtiest explanation possible.