Mexican Gollum

I wonder how different The Lord of the Rings would have been if Gollum had been Mexican.  I can picture him with his little pencil moustache and wifebeater shirt, walking up to Frodo and Sam in a body-slanted, rocking motion.

Gollum: “Yo, Frodo, what’s up, ese?  Where you takin’ my precious?”

Sam: “You murdering, filthy good-for-nothing.” [lunging for Gollum]

Gollum: “Whoa, homes, ease up, we’re just talking here, puta!”

Frodo: “Let him go, Sam, he can help us.”

Gollum: “Exactly, pendejo, get up off me.”

Sam: “You can’t seriously be thinking of trusting this slimy piece of crap, can you?”

Frodo: “You know the way to Mexico, don’t you?  You’ve been there before?”

Gollum: “No, not there…you can’t go there…I won’t go back…I won’t let you take the precious there, ese!”

Frodo: “We have to go there, and you’re going to lead us.”

Gollum: “There’s maybe a way.  I know a guy that can sneak you across the border in his truck.  It’ll cost you…a dozen of those lembas thingies.  But truly, ese, it’s not so much the getting into Mexico as the getting back.”

Frodo: “I’m not so sure we’re coming back.”