Pocket Hair
An in-depth, and let's face it scary, look at how I think and observe the world. I've often been called weird. But what is normal, really? Maybe I'm normal, and all of you are weird.
Sunday, September 15, 2024
Parent Drop-Off
To-Go Order
I was very tempted to reply, “Yeah, they did. I just wanted to drive up here and let you know that it had been picked up already.” But instead I said, “Not yet. That’s why I’m here.”
Saturday, September 14, 2024
The Intimate Encounter with the Sink: Day 3
Friday, September 13, 2024
The Intimate Encounter with the Sink: Day 2
Wednesday, September 11, 2024
The Intimate Encounter with the Sink: Day 1
And that’s how I awoke, crumpled in the corner of the bathroom, in the dark, with no recollection of any it happening, and wondering what I was doing on the floor. I managed to gingerly lift myself up and slide along the wall to the door, so I could call to my spousal unit for help. She came running into the bathroom, switched the light in, and exclaimed, “Oh my god!” That’s when I knew it was bad. And seconds later, I felt the blood start to drip from my eye to confirm it.
My head was spinning, and I was nauseous, so I kept my eyes closed. My spousal unit was freaking out, asking me what I needed. So, I directed her to get me something to stop the bleeding. After she got me a wet rag for my eye, I asked her to look at the back of my head, since a dull throb had started to emanate from there as well. Apparently, I had a laceration there too. I asked her to get me some ice, while I held pressure to both sides of my head. My spousal unit was adamant that we go to the emergency room, but I was just as adamant that I wasn’t going. I didn’t want to wake up my son and make him sit in the emergency room all night while the hospital staff deemed us not enough of an emergency to warrant immediate attention. Been there, done that.
After the flow of blood slowed down, she wanted to at least get me off the floor, but I told her that I needed to lay there a little longer. When the room had stopped spinning, and I felt like I could move without throwing up, I crawled to the bed on my hands and knees. My spousal unit managed to help me into the bed, and then she went to get me something to drink while I continued to hold the ice on my wounds. Since there wasn’t much else to be done, I told her to try to get some rest.
The pain came on gradually and made it virtually impossible for me to get any sleep. Not to mention that I’m a side sleeper, and I would have had to choose between the cut on one side or the cut on the other side of my head. So, I stayed up for the rest of the night with my eyes closed and half listening to the TV drone on in the background, wondering why these things always happen to me. I’m going to take a sick day today. I’m too exhausted to be able to focus on work.
Friday, September 6, 2024
Spooky Meetings
For some unknown reason, I decided to wear the mask during a meeting at work today. I don’t usually use the video during meetings, but this one meeting requires us to be on camera, so I figured it was the perfect opportunity to try it out. I didn’t want it to be too scary, so I also put my glasses on outside of the mask. The reaction was priceless.
It’s funny how many people will be doing other things while they’re waiting for a meeting to start. Some are looking down at their phones, while others are distracted by something in the background or on the other monitor. So, nobody noticed me at first. But then someone glanced up from their phone and caught sight of me and jumped, saying “whoa!” It was classic…almost as good as the time that I posed a skeleton at my desk before turning the camera on.
Saturday, August 24, 2024
The Talking Shoes
At first, I kept them because I was cheap, and I didn't want to replace perfectly good shoes just because they had a minor defect. Then, I became known for my talking shoes, so it became sort of a trademark. The problem was that they were getting worse and worse, so it was getting harder to actually walk around in them. I solved that problem, but putting duct tape around them and drawing a zipper on it in permanent marker. That way, it just looked like I was tired of hearing what they had to say all day.
I didn't really realize the impact that my talking shoes had on people around me until someone actually mentioned it when signing my yearbook. Oh well, I guess there are worse things to be remembered for in high school. The sad part is that is ALL I was remembered for in high school. My mark on the teenage world was talking shoes!
Saturday, July 20, 2024
Chicken Fingers
Saturday, July 13, 2024
Sorry Gay Driver
My second thought was that it’s interesting how the world has changed. She’s not just unashamed of being gay, but she’s proud of it. Like someone would be proud to be Black or a woman. So much so that she feels the need to advertise it on the window of her car. I don’t feel the need to advertise that I’m straight. I don’t feel proud of that either. It just is what it is. It’s disturbing that it’s become trendy to be gay.
Then again I don’t feel the need to advertise my race or gender either. And my feelings about my race or gender wouldn’t be characterized as pride either. I’d say they’re more contentment. I’m comfortable with who I am.
Friday, July 12, 2024
The Memory Hoarders
My mother and I attach sentimental value and stories to everything. We remember, because it’s important to remember. If we forget and don’t pass it along, then it’s like it never happened. I heard someone in movie say, “If we forget someone after they die, then it’s like they died twice.”
Saturday, June 15, 2024
Notes from a Madman
Here are some of my favorites:
- My feet stank and then I ran off and had soup
- Coming to stop and then running red light brother was cool
- Told GPS to avoid tolls GPS immediately took me to the toll road has contract with toll authority
- Waving at blind horses
- Father hanging from the ceiling in a harness
- Banana pudding and milk
- Leek soup makes me toot
- Smokers peeing on my suitcase
- Cucumber scented resumes
- The bus is coming
Sunday, June 9, 2024
Just in Case
Wednesday, June 5, 2024
The Cardinal: Revenge
Friday, May 31, 2024
The Bus is Coming
I supposed there are worse ways to go…and possibly better. As far as strange deaths go, it is sort of pedestrian and middle of the road…pun intended. What I have often wondered in the days following is if it was indeed an actual bus or something more metaphorical. Like if I die of a heart attack, which feels like the pressure of a bus on my chest. Or if I die because my spousal unit or son drive me up a wall.
Friday, May 17, 2024
Day of Selfishness
Thursday, May 16, 2024
Fuel on the Fire
Later today, I heard her on the phone with her friend, discussing the same situation. Her friend was throwing fuel on my spousal unit’s already blazing fire, not only justifying her concerns, but adding to them. She was basically saying exactly what my spousal unit wanted to hear. Misery loves company, I guess. This is a huge concern of mine about my spousal unit. She has weak faith, and she surrounds herself with other people who are not believers, or who are not practicing believers. They focus on the limitations of the world rather than the power of God. So, instead of building her faith, her friend helped tear it down.
I believe my spousal unit revels in drama and anxiety. She doesn’t believe she deserves more. She doesn’t believe that God cares about her “petty” problems, and she refuses to let God take over. It doesn’t matter how many times that God surprises and amazes her when she feels no hope. The moment the next obstacle comes, she’s back to freaking out again and running through the doomsday list. I get frustrated at how easily she forgets what God literally did for her not two weeks ago. But it frustrates me more that she lashes out at me and latches onto what her unbelieving friends think. The same friends that gave up on every other situation as hopeless and were proven wrong when God did one of His patented miracles.
The saddest part is that my spousal unit has all the qualities to be a great leader and an influencer. People would follow her, and she could make a difference, if she’d just believe…if she’d just let God guide her life. Maybe she could encourage her friends to put their faith in God when their own storms arise instead of encouraging their paths of self-deprecation and destruction.
Monday, May 6, 2024
Meeting Art
Thursday, April 18, 2024
The Weeper
The weird thing is that I can’t really remember the last time I cried. It’s been a while, so this feels like I’m catching up for lost time. But I know it’s more than that. Maybe it’s chemical or hormonal. Maybe I’m out of balance so to speak. Nothing else about me has really changed. I’m tired, but not really sad. I’m actually more at peace than I’ve been in a long time. As I’ve drawn closer to God, I’m learning to let more things go.
Honestly, I don’t always feel sad when I’m crying either. Sometimes, it’s completely unexplainable. I suppose crying is a better response than flying off the handle and yelling like my father does. So far, it’s personal and private. But I don’t really think anyone around here would notice or care if it wasn’t. I guess that’s the saddest part. Nobody would care that I’m sad.
Tuesday, March 12, 2024
Free Shot
Later on, we were discussing that sometimes bad things have to happen in your life to fulfill a purpose. The example given was that Jesus still picked Judas to be one of his disciples despite knowing that he would later betray him. I said that was the Jesus equivalent of letting the other team shoot him to complete the exercise, and the former officer started cracking up laughing. They wouldn’t have “won” unless He allowed it.
Friday, February 23, 2024
The Cardinal: Slow
Tuesday, February 20, 2024
Dishwasher Art
My wife on the other hand has a completely different philosophy when it comes to dishes. Her philosophy is more of “shove that crap in there.” She loads it as she goes, so things are randomly placed in whatever hole she sees first. This includes stacking things on top of things and possibly stacking things on top of those. She believes in using vertical space as well as horizontal space. So, if the rack slides back in, then it’s okay! I know it’s not wrong, per se, it’s just different. But it still feels like a chaotic mess to me. Almost like a tornado went through the dishwasher.
Sunday, February 18, 2024
The Cardinal: Mate
So, the reason I hadn’t seen the stupid bird for a while was that he had somehow managed to find a girl. Based on what I know of the male, either he was the last available option or the other choices seemed less desirable…which is somehow hard to imagine. Maybe she likes males who brain themselves senseless, because then she can take advantage of them to get what she wants. Either way, he was back and fighting his imaginary enemy to impress her. I can’t imagine she’d be too impressed by this display of stupidity. Perhaps, she was already starting to regret her choices. I mean, are you sure THESE are the genes you want to be passing on to your offspring?! When you realize that cardinals mate for life, it makes it even more perplexing.
The mirrors in the tree obviously are having zero effect on this stupid bird. When I brought this up to my son, he said that it’s because they are spinning…which is probably true. At one point, I saw the cardinal sitting on the ground, watching the lights dance around him. He seemed less scared of them and more just intrigued. I’m so glad I could give him another reason to enjoy coming to my yard…sarcasm implied.
Friday, February 16, 2024
Dead Air
As I pondered this question, I realized that I have the gift of gab. For all of my claims and even penchant for introversion, I am still able to talk with the best of them. And I’m really good at filling the silence. I don’t have to have something specific to talk about, but I can usually come up with something to say if nobody else is speaking. I have lots of great stories, and I have a wickedly strange view of things around me. I mean I will often call my mom on my 40-minute drive to my son’s daycare, and I’ll probably talk for 35 minutes of the drive. I’d like to think that my mom is enjoying the conversation and being wildly entertained, but maybe she just puts the phone down and walks away!
Really my biggest issue with public speaking is standing up in front of people and seeing their reactions or getting their feedback. But that’s not a problem with radio, because you’re just talking to “dead air.” You’re sending your words off into the ether without any clue who is listening or if they’re listening. You’re talking to fill the silence.
And then it hit me. Being a DJ is a lot like talking to my mom on the phone. Your audience is unusually quiet, so you just have to fill the dead air on your own. In fact, you’re not even sure if they’re still tuned in. But you speak with the hope that they’re enjoying your words and being wildly entertained.
Thursday, February 15, 2024
Homeless Cell Phone
If you have no money, how can you afford to buy a phone that costs several hundred dollars? How is it that you have a newer model than I have? How do you pay the monthly bill? And if you’re homeless, where do they even send the monthly bill? If you have no power, how do you charge it? And maybe the most important question is…who are you calling?!
Wednesday, February 14, 2024
Bum Bubbles
Monday, February 5, 2024
The Cardinal: Kamikaze
UPDATE: My spousal unit informed me that the cardinal did attack the window this afternoon. Apparently, he flew into it at full speed and knocked himself unconscious. He laid on the ground for several minutes before getting up and flying away. Maybe this was his last-ditch, Kamikaze flight before he acceded defeat.
Thursday, February 1, 2024
The Cardinal: Mirrors
Thursday, January 25, 2024
The Cardinal: Fighting Hour
A lot of posts online said that you can cover the window, but apparently cardinals are so aggressive, that they’ll just go pick a fight with another window! And they’ll come back every day around the same time. I’m imagining him checking the watch on his wing.
Cardinal: “It’s 1:42 pm. Time to go give that other bird a beating!”
…flies to to the window…
Cardinal: “I see you didn’t learn your lesson from yesterday. You came back for another round of thunder and lightning,” showing the reflection his wings one by one.
Reflection [mirroring the cardinal]: “…”
Cardinal: “Are you mocking me?! Put your wing down! Put it down! Stop copying me, or I’m going to give you a beating your future offspring will feel. That’s it! Reap the whirlwind!”
…Cardinal pecks at the winds several times…
Cardinal: “Take that, you swine! There’s plenty more where that came from. I suggest you don’t show up again tomorrow.”
Some of the posts suggested hanging mirrors out in the yard, so the bird would fight out there instead of attacking your windows. I liked that idea, but I’m afraid he’s so stupid that he’d leave the mirrors alone and still come to the window. Or worse yet, he’d form a gang with the “other birds” to take down his rival by the house. The next thing you know, there’s a whole flock of cardinals wearing matching leather jackets with “C-Birds” on the back, holding tiny pistols sideways at the window all thug style.
Saturday, January 6, 2024
My Christmas Love
For some reason, Hallmark believes that the epitome of sexiness for every woman is a man with beard scruff. Even for guys that really can’t grow it, or where it looks really bad. They still force the issue. I assume this is why Hallmark has never come calling me. I can’t grow beard scruff. I can either do clean-shaven or a semblance of a full beard. There is no in between. Well, the beard thing and the fact that I’m not over six feet tall. That’s really all that’s keeping me from being a Hallmark leading man.
Saturday, December 9, 2023
Phytoplankton Dragons
Friday, December 8, 2023
Flying Chickens
Thursday, December 7, 2023
Ride or Die Jesus
Everyone called in with different answers that were relatable in their own right. But one woman’s answer was “that Jesus is my ride or die homie.” He’s loyal to a fault. He’s got your back no matter what. Even though He might not agree with your decisions, He’s still there with you. He’s like, “Yo, I don’t think this is a good idea, but let’s go.” He’s the truest of friends. He’ll call you out on your stuff, but He loves you in spite of it. And I thought, “that’s how I want to think of Jesus…as my ride or die Homie.”
Sunday, December 3, 2023
Soccer Geese
Killing in a Tree
“Two little snipers sitting in a tree
K-I-L-L-I-N-G
First comes aiming
Then comes shooting
Then comes a corpse and a whole lot of looting.”
My brother stopped pulling the trigger long enough to look over at me with a bewildered look in his eyes. Then, a smile spread slowly across his face, and he turned and started shooting again in rhythm to my song.
Saturday, December 2, 2023
Herb's Herbs
UPDATE: Someone beat me to it. Apparently, there is an organic juice bar with this name already. Sigh…dreams thwarted…nooooooooo, damn you, Marty McFly!
I am death...destroyer of puzzles!
Friday, December 1, 2023
Offensive Bleeps
But still the radio refuses to play that word, because it could offend some people. I find this sad and ludicrous. First of all, it’s actually part of the cuss word, not a reference to the Almighty. And second of all, that profanity isn’t offensive, but a reference to God is?! What a lost and broken world we live in.
Thursday, November 30, 2023
Sweet Emotion
As she read back my text message to me today, I was reminded of that Aerosmith video for Sweet Emotion, where the guy is talking to this girl on the phone, and he’s picturing her being sexy and hot. When in reality, she’s an old woman with curlers, smoking a cigarette and ironing. I started to wonder if Siri’s sexiness was all an illusion in my head.
Wednesday, November 29, 2023
Happiness for Beginners
At church, we’ve been doing a message series on gratefulness. As it’s evolved, it’s taken us on a journey from changing our mindset to being grateful and realize all the things we have to be grateful for to expressing that gratitude to God and others. I realized that even though I am very grateful to God and others, I tend to focus on the things they do wrong instead of what they do well…and for me. I wanted to take a page out of Windy’s book and spend time each day focusing on things I’m thankful for, because I think changing that mindset will fill up too much time to complain.
So, tonight at dinner, after we prayed, I asked my wife and son to indulge me. I shared three things about each of them that I’m grateful for. Then, I invited them to do the same about someone else. It was a little slow and awkward, as it has been with me, but they did it. It’s not an immediate switch, but it’s a start. I’ve asked that we do this every night together, so we’ll see what God does with this from here. I’m hoping, like with anything, that we’ll all get better with practice.
Friday, November 24, 2023
Smokers
His name was Smokey, Smokers to his friends, which I learned immediately didn’t apply to me. He took an instant dislike to me, which I can only guess was because he was jealous. He was used to having his master all to himself when JT would come home from college, but this time he had to share him…with me. So, I became the object of his hatred and wrath.
He growled and barked at me. And when that didn’t scare me off, he started running at me and biting my leg. Now it should be noted that I am a dog person by nature. And generally, I get along well with them. So, it was strange to me to have this dog go out of his way to make me feel unwelcome. It should also be noted that Smokey was bipolar. Whenever he and I found ourselves in a room alone together, he was perfectly content to lay down next to me and let me pet him. But as soon as someone came into the room, he’d jump up and start growling at me again. It was almost as if he felt like he needed to keep up the ruse for everyone.
JT’s mom was an absolute sweetheart, and she was nice enough to give up her bedroom for me. So, when we go there, JT and I took our suitcases into her room. JT threw his on the bed, and I set mine in the corner. When we came back later on to get them, we found out the true extent of Smokey’s ire. Having mistaken JT’s suitcase for mine, Smokey had peed on every inch of it, soaking every article of clothing. Mad that his dog was being so unfriendly, he gave Smokey a thorough tongue-lashing before heading out to wash everything he owned.
But that only made the situation worse. Smokey decided that I was the reason that his best friend had turned on him, and a few minutes later, I caught him sneaking back into the bedroom to finish what he had started. I chased him out and threw my suitcase into the closet. But every time I needed something out of it, I had to watch my back, because Smokey would have his head poked around the corner waiting for his opportunity to run in and do a drive by. I took to going inside the closet and shutting the door before I’d open my bag. I also slept with one eye open, because any time I’d start to nod off, I’d hear the sound of uncut nails on the hardwood floor outside in the hall. I was miserable and on edge by the time I finally left, so I guess in the end, Smokey had won. And needless to say, I never stayed with JT again.
Friday, November 17, 2023
Pantless Haircut
My first thought was to stop some place and just buy a pair of pants, so I didn’t have to go all the way home. But then I realized that if I didn’t have pants, then I didn’t have a wallet to buy pants (It didn’t seem to bother me that I’d have to walk into a clothing store to buy pants while not wearing pants, but I didn’t want to walk into the barbershop without pants).
My second thought was to just go into the barbershop without pants and hope nobody noticed. But then I realized that if I didn’t have pants, then I didn’t have a wallet to pay for a haircut (It’s funny how I had to come to this same conclusion twice). So, I had no choice but to call my wife for help. Luckily, she had been following me to the barbershop for no particular reason (It’s funny to me that I forgot my pants, but still remembered my cell phone). My hope was that she could buy me some pants and front me for the haircut, so I didn’t have to go home. But she didn’t answer my call.
While I sat in the parking lot waiting for her to call me back, outside my car, a woman with a dog walked up to her car. When the woman opened her trunk to put her items inside, the dog started sneezing. We both told the dog bless you at the same time, and then laughed at the fact that we blessed a dog’s sneeze. It didn’t seem to bother her that I wasn’t wearing pants.
Monday, October 30, 2023
Hay Pillows
I was driving past the longhorn ranch near my house today, and one of the cows was resting her head on the top of the hay pile. I’m not sure if she was eating and then got tired, or if she went to the hay pile with the sole intention of resting her head on it. I’m sure those horns get heavy after a while, so it’s hard to blame her for wanting to give her neck muscles a rest. But it was still funny to see her neck stretched out, her head using the hay pile as a pillow.
Sunday, October 29, 2023
Lara Lor-Van
I started to think back about other Superman movies I had seen in the past, and I realized that none of them feature Clark's mother other than in flashbacks. Only ever Jor El. I find that incredibly odd. Didn't Clark ever wonder?
Sunday, October 22, 2023
Co-Sleeping...ish
I read an article that said not to stay with your kid at night until he falls asleep. But it didn't said anything about the scenario where the parent falls asleep, only to wake up and have the kid be staring at you.
Sunday, October 15, 2023
Mutton Chops
I was tired of all of the silver hair in my beard, so I decided to trim it out with the scissors this morning. By the time I was done, I was left with only a soul patch and mutton chops. I think I should have dyed it instead.
Tuesday, October 10, 2023
Mirrored Tears
Today, I splashed a little water on the mirror when I was drying my hands. I stood there and watched as the little trickle of water snaked its way down the smooth reflective surface. I suddenly had a feeling that the mirror was crying, and I reached out to wipe her tears away.
Friday, October 6, 2023
Wednesday, October 4, 2023
Family Toots
Ever since my spousal unit rolled out her new leek soup recipe, the flatulence level in our house has increased exponentially. It’s so bad, I'm thinking of having t-shirts made for all of us that say, "The Family That Toots Together Stays Together."
Tuesday, October 3, 2023
Old Mail
On my way to pick up my son from school today, I drove past this house set on a large piece of land. The house was set back to the rear of the property, leaving an expanse of a front yard that’s most likely bigger than my entire property. Being set so far back meant that there was a long winding driveway from the house to the mailbox by the street.
Coming down that driveway at a literal crawl was a small SUV. It stopped next to the mailbox, and an old woman got out of the passenger side. She was tiny bent with age with stringy white hair and a cane. She hobbled to the mailbox, looked inside to retrieve the contents, and then hobbled back to the car. In the driver’s seat, I saw a little old man skinny and frail, gripping the steering wheel and waiting for her. After his wife got back in the car, the little old man backed the SUV back up the winding driveway to the house.
It was adorable to see the old man driving his wife to the mailbox, so she didn’t have to walk all that way. And it was adorable to see this couple still doing things together after all these years. That’s what I want for myself.